Newsjack week 3 -- sketch reject no. 2
Ta
Dan
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Network Rail Performance Review
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MILES:
The Chief Executive of Network Rail, Ian Coucher will get more than £150,000 in incentive payments for the performance of the company over the last three years. Can you imagine how that performance review went?
F/X
FFICE DOOR CLOSES
BOARD MEMBER:
Ah, Ian! Do sit down. Now let's see how you've measured up against your targets. Number one: improve consistency.
IAN:
I've managed to get the trains to be either consistently late or consistently cancelled, rather than the erratic lateness of the past.
BOARD MEMBER:
Excellent. I think we'll tick 'Exceeded Expectations' on that one.
F/X
EN TICKING PAPER
BOARD MEMBER:
Now, reduce fares?
IAN:
The problem with fares was the way they were named. Customers are expecting
them to be 'fair'. I've replaced them with 'ticket prices', so there's no ambiguity.
BOARD MEMBER:
So have ticket prices increased?
IAN:
Yes, but fares have been reduced to zero.
BOARD:
Oh, superb! I'll tick 'Very Much Exceeded Expectations' on the sheet for that.
F/XEN TICKING PAPER
BOARD:
And finally, target three: give yourself a big, fat bonus.
IAN:
A hundred and fifty grand?
BOARD:
Amazing! I don't know how you manage it, I really don't!
IAN:
Well, I picked a number randomly out of the air for that.
BOARD:
I'll tick 'Hit out of the park' on the sheet, shall I?
F/XEN TICKING PAPER
IAN:
Thanks. (PAUSE) What are next year's targets?
BOARD:
Just one. Redesign the performance review form.
END