Funster Frank 3

FRANK AND GARRY ARE TALKING FRANK IS DRESSED AS A CLOWN.

FRANK
Look Garry I'm just not that funny, I was in a coma for 6 months after the last gig.

GARRY
Nah mate that was standup. This is kids they'll luagh at anything, squeak your nose and blow a raspberry they'll love that.

FRANK
Ok kids do like farty noises. I even brought a bottle.

GARRY
Fart it in that mate and they'll think you're freaking Harry Hill.

FRANK
Ok.

GARRY PUSHES GARRY THROUGH SOME DOUBLE DOORS.
FRANK STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND THIS IS A VAST WARD FOR VERY SICK CHILDREN.
THEY LIE IN BED LOOKING BRAVE AND VERY ILL AS THEIR FAMILY GATHER ROUND THEM.
NURSES AND DRS WANDER ROUND LOOKING HAGGARD AND UNWELL.
A PRIEST IN STREAMS OF TEARS IS BEING LEAD OUT.
A FUNERAL DIRECTOR IS LINING COFFINS UP AGAINST THE WALL THEY GET INCREASINGLY SMALL.
THE ONLY SOUND IS THE OCCAISONAL BEEP OF A LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE.

FRANK
Er hey...erm hey hey I'm Funster Frank.

SICKCHILD1
Will the funny clown make the pain go away daddy?

SICKCHILD2
I'm to weak to laugh if he's funny will you laugh for me mummy?

MUM
Yes sweety you deserve one more laugh.

FRANK
Er yes Funster Frank, er what's yellow and lives in the jungle.

SICK CHILD1
Tarzipan that's ancient, you're a rubbish clown.

FRANK
I'll squeak my nose.

HE SQUEAKS HIS NOSE.
THE KIDS CLAP, IT TURNS INTO A SLOW HAND CLAP PUNCTUATED BOO.

FRANK
Don't boo me!

SICK CHILD2
Why not you're rubbish?

MUM
You're worse than Hitler!

FRANK
I just want to make people happy? Is that so wrong, I'm a human being!

FRANK LEAVES IN STREAMS OF TEARS.
GARRY WALKS IN

GARRY
Well that was Funster Frank, did you like him kids?

KIDS BURST OUT INTO HEALTHY LAUGHTER
THE BEEP OF LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES SUDDENLY SOUND A LOT HEALTHIER AND BEEPIER.

I missed this one entirely Sooty, sorry.

Brilliant, Soot.

Right up my street; irrespective of the guy having the same name as me..

Although, I guess I'm more 'Dumpster Frank', being a binman.

Fx

Or even Grumpster?

Thanks the earlier 2 are probably better.

It's quite funny, Sootyj, but the law of diminishing returns certainly seems to be in effect. That said, you could actually film this one. Maybe you'd be better off mixing this with the first one - so keep the hospital stuff but go with the heart attack/fart in a bottle ending of your stadium one. No one coming to help Frank whilst he struggles for life in a hospital would be pretty funny.

Quote: Ponderer @ June 28 2009, 9:37 AM BST

I missed this one entirely Sooty, sorry.

View original

Ah. It appears I made the schoolboy error of reading 3 without reading the earlier pieces. I can see it's merit as a runner, and several lines and indeed the whole set-up now make much more sense.

Bussell I took your advice.

Quote: sootyj @ June 28 2009, 8:45 AM BST

FRANK AND GARRY ARE TALKING FRANK IS DRESSED AS A CLOWN.

FRANK
Look Garry I'm just not that funny, I was in a coma for 6 months after the last gig.

GARRY
Nah mate that was standup. This is kids they'll luagh at anything, squeak your nose and blow a raspberry they'll love that.

FRANK
Ok kids do like farty noises. I even brought a bottle.

GARRY
Fart it in that mate and they'll think you're freaking Harry Hill.

FRANK
Ok.

GARRY PUSHES GARRY THROUGH SOME DOUBLE DOORS.
FRANK STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND THIS IS A VAST WARD FOR VERY SICK CHILDREN.
THEY LIE IN BED LOOKING BRAVE AND VERY ILL AS THEIR FAMILY GATHER ROUND THEM.
NURSES AND DRS WANDER ROUND LOOKING HAGGARD AND UNWELL.
A PRIEST IN STREAMS OF TEARS IS BEING LEAD OUT.
A FUNERAL DIRECTOR IS LINING COFFINS UP AGAINST THE WALL THEY GET INCREASINGLY SMALL.
THE ONLY SOUND IS THE OCCAISONAL BEEP OF A LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE.

FRANK
Er hey...erm hey hey I'm Funster Frank.

SICKCHILD1
Will the funny clown make the pain go away daddy?

SICKCHILD2
I'm to weak to laugh if he's funny will you laugh for me mummy?

MUM
Yes sweety you deserve one more laugh.

FRANK
Er yes Funster Frank, er what's yellow and lives in the jungle.

SICK CHILD1
Tarzipan that's ancient, you're a rubbish clown.

FRANK
I'll squeak my nose.

HE SQUEAKS HIS NOSE.
THE KIDS CLAP, IT TURNS INTO A SLOW HAND CLAP PUNCTUATED BOO.

FRANK
Don't boo me!

SICK CHILD2
Why not you're rubbish?

MUM
You're worse than Hitler!

FRANK
I just want to make people happy? Is that so wrong, I'm a human being!

HE COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS CHEST.

FRANK
My heart!

HE FARTS EXTREME NOISILY

FRANK
I mean my anus.

FRANK DIES
GARRY WALKS IN AND STICKS A BOTTLE UP FRANK'S BACKSIDE TO CATCH THE FART.

GARRY
Well that was Funster Frank, did you like him kids? And who wants a fart in a bottle?

KIDS BURST OUT INTO HEALTHY LAUGHTER
THE BEEP OF LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES SUDDENLY SOUND A LOT HEALTHIER AND BEEPIER.

FRANK
I need a doctor...

GARRY
Shut it you twunt you're ruining it for the kids you selfish bastard.

View original

One of the things I liked about this was the relationship between Garry and Frank. I like the encouragement Garry gives him - as though he's a real friend who genuinely believes Frank is the second coming of comedy. Of course that all goes out the window when you have Garry call him a "twunt".

I'd simplify slightly too, like so:

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

FRANK AND GARRY ARE TALKING. FRANK IS DRESSED AS A CLOWN.

FRANK
Look Garry I'm just not that funny, I was in a coma for six months after the last gig.

GARRY
That was different! These are kids - they'll laugh at anything. Do a fart noise and they'll think you're Harry freaking Hill!

FRANK
(SIGHING) Okay then, I'll give it a go...

GARRY PUSHES FRANK THROUGH SOME DOUBLE DOORS. FRANK STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND. THIS IS THE TERMINALLY SICK WARD. THEY LIE IN BED LOOKING BRAVE AND VERY ILL AS THEIR FAMILY GATHER ROUND THEM.

NURSES AND DOCTORS WANDER ROUND LOOKING HAGGARD AND UNWELL. A PRIEST IN STREAMS OF TEARS IS BEING LEAD OUT. A FUNERAL DIRECTOR IS LINING COFFINS UP AGAINST THE WALL - THEY GET INCREASINGLY SMALL. THE ONLY SOUND IS THE OCCASSONAL BEEP OF A LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE.

FRANK
Er hey...erm hey hey I'm Funster Frank.

SICK CHILD 1
Will the funny clown make the pain go away daddy?

SICK CHILD 2
I'm too weak to laugh. If he's funny will you laugh for me, mummy?

MUM
Yes sweetie, you deserve one more laugh.

FRANK
Er yes Funster Frank. Erm, what's yellow and lives in the jungle?

SICK CHILD 1
Tarzipan. That's ancient! You're a rubbish clown.

FRANK
I can blow a raspberry!

HE DOES SO. THE KIDS BOO.

FRANK
Don't boo me!

SICK CHILD 2
You're rubbish!

MUM
You're worse than Hitler!

FRANK
I just want to make people happy! Is that so wrong?

HE CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.

FRANK
I'm a human being!

HE COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND. SILENCE IN THE ROOM. GARRY ENTERS.

GARRY
Well, kids, that was Funster Frank.

UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR, FRANK FARTS EXTREME NOISILY. THE KIDS CHEER.

END SKETCH

I must confess I read this without reading the 'other two' (still haven't yet) and laughed at the original post, mostly cos it's a brilliant satire of the comedy writer's unconscious self-loathing.

Excellent!

I'll find the others and come back and see what I thought of the trilogy.

Dan