SKIT COMP 27.6-7.7.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... COOL MIKADO for winnin' again! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 5 - Pedros
1 - 1 - Shpadoinkle, Nil Putters, Nigel Kelly, Otterfox

Your new subject: GANGSTERS (chosen by Cool Mikado).
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7 July

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
96 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
82 - Cool Mikado
74 - Otterfox
66 - Jude
63 - Nigel Kelly
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
31 - Fred Sunshine
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Nil Putters
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. TV STUDIO

PRESENTER
Good afternoon. On this edition of Arts About we are lucky enough to have with us the 2009 winner of Loaded magazine's Top Bloke To Have A Pint With award, Pat "The Pliers" Driscoll. Pat...

PAT LOOKS AT HIM

PRESENTER (CONT.)
er...Mr. Pliers, there has been a lot of discussion recently about whether the media glorifies criminal violence. You were sentenced to life in prison, for, (CHECKS NOTES) good grief - disembowelling a business associate with a pickle-fork.

PAT
Regrettable, but in the line of business I was in, what you can't have is people finking that your soft.

PRESENTER
And what line of business was that?

PAT
Hurting people.

PRESENTER
Um...But do you think it right that someone so vi... someone so brut... someone so... (GIVES UP) that you should be held up as role model for today's young men?

PAT
Depends don't it.

PRESENTER
Depends on what?

PAT
On whether they're hard enough.

PRESENTER
(HURRIEDLY CONSULTING NOTES) Perhaps we can move on to discussing your film career, particularly your role as Mr Bennett in Guy Ritchie's controversial new adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. I understand that the scene where Mr. Bennet rips off Mr. Collins head and pisses into the hole was not in the original script?

PAT
Naa, there was all this poncey dialogue, about me not talking to me gel if she marries the <BEEP>. Guy says to me, "You don't want to do that, do you?" So I kicked some ideas about with the lad what done the screenplay, and when I'd done kicking him, Guy asked me what I'd've done if it'd been me.

PRESENTER
Critics have suggested that Mr. Bennet's reaction is perhaps a little extreme.

PAT
It's all about context innit? The bastard had been knocking off Mrs. Bennett.

PRESENTER
Yes, as far as I can recall that wasn't in Miss Austen's novel...

PAT
No? What about where he ties up Eliza and rapes her up the arse with a...

PRESENTER
(HURRIEDLY) No, that wasn't in the book either.

PAT
Best bit of it. 'Part from the all the lesbian sex of course. (LEANS OVER AND NUDGES PRESENTER WITH HIS ELBOW) Five sisters? At the same time! That Darcy bloke couldn't half put it about!

PRESENTER
Pat "The Pliers" Driscoll, it has been a pleasure.

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THAT THE PRESENTER HAS WET HIMSELF. STUDIO LIGHTS OUT.

PRESENTER (CONT.)
Please don't hurt me.

END.

INT.GLOOMY CELLAR.

THREE TOUGH LOOKING CRIMINALS, TERRY, VICTOR AND MARTIN ARE BUSY ELECTROCUTING STEVE WHO IS TIED TO A CHAIR

TERRY
Where's the money?

STEVE
I don't know

TERRY
I'm going to ask you one last time. Where's the money?

STEVE
Terry I swear to you on my kid's life, I don't know…

TERRY NODS AND MARTIN PULLS A LEVER AND STEVE CRIES OUT IN PAIN. TERRY'S MOBILE PHONE STARTS RINGING. TERRY TAKES IT OUT AND CHECKS THE CALLER ID

TERRY
Shush everyone, it's Mum

THE CURRENT GETS TURNED OFF AND THEY ALL ACT QUIET INCLUDING STEVE WHO BITES HIS LIP WITH A 'WHOOPS SORRY' EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

TERRY
Hello Mum… we're round the club …me, Victor, Martin and Steve Parker... Mum says hello Steve

STEVE (calling out)
Hello Mrs. M

TERRY
Steve says hello

TERRY LISTENS FOR A FEW MOMENTS

TERRY (to the room)
Mum's making tea and wants to know what time we'll be home

MARTIN
I don't know…

MARTIN (to Steve)
…how long do you think we're going to be?

STEVE (after thinking for a moment)
About half an hour?

TERRY (into the phone)
About half an hour?

VICTOR
Ask Mum are we having fish fingers?

TERYY PUTS HIS HAND UP AS IF TO SAY 'HANG ON I'M CONCENTRATING BUT DON'T WORRY I WILL ASK'

TERRY
Mum wants to know if you want to have tea at ours Steve?

STEVE (calling)
Yes please Mrs. M, thank you!

TERRY
He says yes please. What are we having?

TERRY (he nods at Victor)
…fish fingers! Great!

EVERYONE LOOKS PLEASED AND EXCHANGE HAPPY LOOKS

TERRY
Okey-dokey, see you later Mum. Bye

TERRY PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY

TERRY (sounding upbeat)
Sorted! Right then Victor break one of his legs will you

LOOKING DELIGHTED, STEVE PRESENTS HIS LEFT LEG TO VICTOR FOR BREAKING

STEVE
Nice one!

GANGSTERS: RAZOR (RAZE) (hard man) ANDREW & DANIEL (rather posh protégés)

INT. Empty Lock-up garage

RAZE
So, You two up for it, then?

DANIEL
Our bona fides speak for themselves.

What? Bone fidos? You a coupla' dog shaggers, are ya?

ANDREW
Very funny, Raze. To anwer your question, we most certainly
are 'ready for it.' We are fully informed and fully prepared.

RAZE
Can tough it can ya?

DANIEL
Yes. We are veritably durable, of that you can rest assured, Raze.

RAZE
You well 'ard. OR talkin' 'ard, eh?

ANDREW
We are hard and we are also mean. We can be nasty to the extreme?

RAYZ
What? Dja' mean you're like..., 'ard, well mean, and nasty with it.

DANIEL
What Andrew means, Raze, is that we are very mean, very hard, and we
also have very nasty tendencies. We can really be most unpleasant.

RAZE
Right. Got it, Danny, my boy. But the thing is will you have the aris.
Whatcha gonna do if things get dicky.

ANDEW
Harris? Who's he?

DANIEL
Yes. Who is this Harris, Raze?

RAYZ
What? Who's who?

ANDREW
This Harris? Where did he come from, Raze? You distinctly told us that this
was a three-man job, did you not?

RAZE
Thick git. I meant like in Aristotle. Like in bottle. Like in balls.

ANDREW
You really lost us there, Raze. Are we to understand that we not only have a
new man on the team but he also likes to drink?

DANIEL
That's rediculous. I don't care how big his balls are. We can't have some
half-Greek, bottle guzzling, goon tagging along. Anyway, there is not enough
in this project for a four-way split, Raze. Aristotle Harris will have to be
dropped from the team. If not, you may consider me out.

RAZE
I'm the geezer, here, son. You ain't out til I say you're out.

ANDREW
I'm with Daniel, Raze, If he perambulates then I, too, must perambulate.

RAYZ
Prambulate - what the ferkin 'ell you two goin' on about?

DANIEL
This is non-negotiable, Raze. Either this Harris goes, or we will go. The
only way we can enjoy an ongoing relationship will be if you capitulate,
Raze.

RAZE
Capitulate, me? Decapitate's what I've got in mind for you two, plum
sucking, long-worded wankers.

SEVERAL BEATS

ANDREW to Daniel
I think that we have reached a hiatus here, don't you, Daniel?

DANIEL to Andrew
Yes, it would seem that a stategic withdrawl is being somewhat thrust
upon us. Raze seems most reticent at dumping Harris and this forces us
to fulfill our ultimatum. We must therefore abandon the project forthwith.

RAZE
What a pair of twats. You blow this and I'll have the pair of yer
for breakfast.

ANDREW
It's a little late for breakfast, Raze. It's tiffin time now.

RAZE
I'll give you a stiffin time right up yer Jack Straw's, you streaky
piece of shit.

DANIEL
Let's cut to the core of the problem, Raze. Is Harris in or is he out?

RAZE
The fu**k you talkin' to? I'll cut you to the core of yer bollocks, you
smarmy, turd-burgling, la-di-fu**king-dah, ponce.

DANIEL - calmly
We are grown men, Raze. This is purely a matter of economics. It's a business
decision. There is no need for you to be irate. Please calm down.

RAZE - raging and spluttering - pulls out a knife:
Fudbcikinjhef, scraadlleeeeeeeeeee cuun...

BANG - FX gun shot: RAZE "gets the bullet".

ANDREW'S HOLDING A SMOKING GUN.
I do believe you spoke to soon, Raze.

DANIEL
Precisely, Andrew. That's exactly what happens when you speak to soon.
Your mouth simply can't anticipate the words.

END

VINNY IS SITTING IN A VAN AS HIS FRIEND GLEN APPROACHES WITH TWO MEN IN BLACK SUITS WEARING TRILBY HATS & CARRYING VIOLIN CASES.

GLEN: Vincent, allow me to introduce Davey "The Waxman" Wax, If you need any one taken out of the picture then just leave it to this guy, no question asked.

DAVE NODS HIS HEAD.

GLEN: And this here is Tommy Two hands

TOMMY HOLDS UP BOTH OF HIS HANDS

GLEN: If you just want to put the frighteners on someone then here's your man, no questions answered.

TOMMY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS

VINNY: Glen mate can I have a quick word in private please.
(HE BECKONS GLEN OVER WHO THEN APPROACHES THE VAN WINDOW)

VINNY: (WHISPERING) Glen you stupid Muppet! I asked you to go & get us a couple of Ginsters.

==============
FAIRY TALE (for radio)
==============
F/X:WASHING UP

CINDERELLA:
Oh, how I hate my stepmother and ugly sisters! I do wish I could go to the Prince's ball this evening!

F/X:*POOOF!!* A MAFIOSO APPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE. THERE IS THE SUCKING AND INHALING OF A CIGAR. CINDERELLA COUGHS ASTHMATICALLY

MAFIOSO:
(MENACING) You lookin' at me?

CINDERELLA:
Who are you?

MAFIOSO:
(EXHALES) I'm your Fairy Godfather…

CINDERELLA:
Fairy Godfather! I guess I *will* get to go the ball after all!

MAFIOSO:
Guess again, Chuckles.

F/X:MONEY CLIP BEING OPENED AND CASH BEING HANDED OVER

MAFIOSO:
(CIGAR IN MOUTH) Here's 500 notes. Buy yourself some crotchless knickers and a big tub of lube. (REMOVES CIGAR) A lot of men are going to make you offers you can't refuse…

END

Silent sketch was all I could come up with:

INT. NIGHT. CLUB.

A NUMBER OF CIGAR SMOKING, DRIPPING IN GOLD JEWELLERY TALIBAN-TYPE MEN SIT AT A BAR AND THEIR GUNS LEAN AGAINST THE BAR STOOLS.

THEY ARE KNOCKING BACK SHOTS OF MINT TEA.

CAMERA TILTS UP TO BURQA-CLAD WOMEN GYRATING AROUND METAL POLES.

A TALIBAN MAN BECKONS ONE OF THE WOMEN OVER AND HE PLACES A FOLDED BANKNOTE THROUGH HER EYE SLOT.

WRITTEN ON NEON ON CLUB WALL "HALAL CAPONE'S."

ENDS.

*This is my first time, so don't expect much*

INT.POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM.

INTERROGATOR: so, what part did you play in this little circle of crime then? Done any armed robbery, hostage taking - MURDER!?...

CAPTURED GANGSTER: No.

INTERROGATOR: ... any drive-by shootings, drug-dealing - FLASHING!?

CAPTURED GANGSTER: NO!!!

INTERROGATOR: WELL WHAT THEN? <slams fists on table>

CAPTURED GANGSTER: Torture!

INTERROGATOR: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?!

CAPTURED GANGSTER: well my boss was a little bit anti-semitic, so he used to make me cut off jewish peoples' noses to torture them! OKAY!!!

INTERROGATOR: and did you get any money for this?

CAPTURED GANGSTER: well yeah. .... the pay was crap but the tips were MASSIVE!

GANGSTERS by Frankie

Scene 1

INT. THREE GANGSTERS MULL ABOUT A WAREHOUSE; JUST IN FRONT OF A SMALL SHED-LIKE OFFICE. A MAN SHOUTS FROM INSIDE THE OFFICE OFF CAMERA.

BOSS:
Hey you, Rico…

BOSS WALKS OUT OF OFFICE AND ON CAMERA.

RICO: (HURT)
No, I don't…

BOSS:
No, dat's your name (BEAT) Rico. But you DO stink. Now, come into my office…

BOSS TURNS AND WALKS BACK INTO THE OFFICE. RICO FOLLOWS MAKING MASTURBATORY MOVEMENTS WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

Scene 2

INT. SMALL SHABBY OFFICE. BLOODY HAND PRINTS ON THE WALLS.

BOSS: (SILENT FOR A MOMENT THEN ACCUSING)
You been looking at my wife again, Rico?

RICO:
But dad she's my mother.. her being naked under her clothes.. it ain't my fault, dad!

BOSS: (HORRIFIED)
You know she's naked under there???

BOSS REACHES OVER TO A MACHINE GUN ON HIS DESK, HAND SHAKING, AND THEN PULLS BACK.

BOSS: (SHAKING HEAD)
You my first born Rico, but get outta here… I never wanna see you face again…

RICO PAUSES THEN TURNS TO GO.

Scene 3

INT. WAREHOUSE. TWO GANGSTERS TALKING JUST OUTSIDE THE BOSS'S OFFICE.

GANGSTER 3:
Hey, so where's Costello?

GANGSTER 4:
There ain't no Costello!

GANGSTER 3: (REASONS)
There HAS to be! There's ALWAYS a Costello..

RICO WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE.

RICO:
OK, so I'll be Costello..

BOSS SHOUTS FROM INSIDE THE OFFICE OFF CAMERA.

BOSS:
Rico, get back in here!

RICO (COSTELLO) IGNORES BOSS. BOSS COMES OUT OF OFFICE.

BOSS:
You deaf now Rico?

RICO/ COSTELLO:
I ain't Rico, I'm Costello.

BOSS: (ANGRY, GRABS RICO/COSTELLO)
Costello! You bastard, what'd ya do with Rico...

GANGSTER 4:
Boss, dat IS Rico!

BOSS: (MYSTIFIED)
So where's Costello?

GANGSTER 4:
There ain't no Costello, boss!

BOSS:
So who shot 'Ding Dang Dong' Dino?

GANGSTER 4:
Dunno boss, doesn't ring any bells…

BOSS: (MORE MYSTIFIED)
You guys gone crazy? Where's my son Angelo?

GANGSTER 3:
He's dead, boss.

BOSS: (MORE HORRIFIED)
How'd he die?

ALL THREE GANGSTERS IN UNISON:
His harp fell on him!

THE THREE GANGSTERS BURST OUT LAUGHING.

GANGSTER 4:
Oh, dat's a good one! Yeah, boss? Yeah?

THE BOSS STORMS INTO HIS OFFICE, RETURNING IMMEDIATELY WITH A MACHINE GUN BLAZING.

THREE 27 YEAR OLD BLOKES, DAVE, STEVE AND MIKE, ARE GATHERED IN A LIVING ROOM, SAT DOWN ON SOFAS WITH BEER AND SNACKS AT THE READY. THEY EACH HAVE A PILE OF DVDS

DAVE
Right then, lads. I officially declare 'Gangster Night' open.

THEY SING THE 'PEARL AND DEAN' MUSIC, AS IS CUSTOM AT THESE NIGHTS

DAVE
Aaah...classic. Right, gentlemen, reveal your weapons – Steve?

STEVE
OK – Scarface...

MIKE
Original or remake?

STEVE
Original.

MIKE
Controversial.

STEVE
Erm...The Krays...

MIKE SNIGGERS. STEVE IGNORES HIM

STEVE
...and Sexy Beast.

DAVE
Hmm, a mixed bunch there from Mr Reynolds. Mike?

MIKE
I've got Get Carter, followed by Bonnie and Clyde, followed by The Godfather Part...

STEVE AND DAVE LOOK AT HIM, NERVOUSLY AWAITING THE END OF THE SENTENCE

MIKE
...2.

STEVE
Ooooh, nearly shat meself there. What you got Dave?

DAVE
Right – have some of THIS...

MIKE
Come on then.

DAVE
Lock, Stock...

STEVE
Oh God, not again...

DAVE
Snatch...

STEVE
Dave...

DAVE
...and RocknRolla. How do you like THEM apples, mofos?

MIKE
Dave. That's three weeks in a row you've proposed those films. 'British Night', 'Directors Night' and now 'Gangster Night'. We are NOT watching three Guy Ritchie films on the bounce.

DAVE
Please, guys?

STEVE
Not happening, mate.

DAVE GETS UP TO LEAVE

DAVE
Fine. Have your bloody Kemp brothers or whatever. I'm off.

MIKE
Come on, Dave, don't be like that – there's always next week.

DAVE
What is next week's theme anyway?

MIKE CHECKS A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE TABLE

MIKE
Ah.

STEVE
What is it?

MIKE
'Films starring former Wimbeldon footballers, members of The Police or Thandie Newton'.

DAVE
Get thinking, you slayyyygs!

INT. NIGHT.

FOUR MOBSTERS SITTING ROUND OBLONG TABLE.

#1: Well, I say we're wasting our time.

#2: No, this numbers racket is a surefire get rich quick...

#3: I ain't so sure. What have we made in the last week? Peanuts!

#1: Yeah, he's right.

#4: Maybe we're doing something wrong?

#2: Look. The Boss expects results. We'll give him results.

#3: Yeah, we don't wanna upset the Boss.

V/O BINGO CALLER: Eyes down, look in. Your first number for a full house is, 3 and 1, thirty-one.

#4: Got that one, only 14 to go!

GANGSTERS : THE SENSITIVE & THE NAÏVE

MANNY
Jimmy, there's no easy way to tell you this.

JIMMY
Tell me what?

MANNY
You know what Joeys like man, you know, with wacking and all.

JIMMY
Oh yea. It's do or die shit with him.

MANNY
Yea well, you know your father.

JIMMY
What about him?

MANNY
Well, we kind of had to, you know.

JIMMY
You guys went wacking with my father? He don't half mash people up. I ain't wacked with my father in a while. He's got some nice moves on him eh?

MANNY
Yea. Umm. We weren't so much wacking with him as, you know?

JIMMY
No? you just watching huh? Haaa…I tell you man, watching my father do his thing is a sight to behold. So, tell me the -

AL
(INTERUPTING) WHAT MANNY IS TRYING TO SAY IS, YOUR FATHER WENT SWIMMING LAST NIGHT.

AL BREAKS INTO TEARS.

JIMMY
What? He went swimming?

MANNY
(BUBBLING) Last night, about nine thirty. Me and Manny, we, we took him out.

JIMMY
(STARTING TO CRY) You saved him!. But, how did you know he couldn't swim?

MANNY & AL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

INT DAY, A DARK ROOM. A BIG TIME ITALIAN AMERICAN MAFIA STYLE MOBSTER IS INTRODUCTING A YOUNG MAN TO HIS NEW GANG.

BIG TOMMY
Wanna introduce you to ma little friends:

A FEW OF THEM SHOUT AT THE SAME TIME:
So what's your name buddy?

BIG TOMMY:
He's called….Nigel.

LAUGHTER ALL ROUND.

THE CAMERA PANS ALONG EACH GANGSTER.

BIG TOMMY
Nigel, This is Johnny Fingers

JOHNNY FINGERS HOLDS OUT THE ONE REMAINING FINGER ON HIS RIGHT HAND AND POKES NIGEL IN THE EYE.

BIG TOMMY
And this is Pit Bull Freddy

PIT BULL FREDDY PROMPTLY SAVAGES NIGEL.

BIG TOMMY:
Eh, go easy, he's just a kid. And finally, this is Frankie Puke.

FRANKIE PUKE VOMITS IN NIGEL'S EYES.

FRANKIE PUKE
Hey Nigel, I gotta job for ya

NIGEL WIPES THE VOMIT AWAY AND GAGS. HE HANDS NIGEL A MOP AND PULLS OUT A GUN

FRANKIE PUKE
Now go mop up your brains off the floor, ya f**k!

ZOOM IN ON NIGEL'S FACE, WHICH BECOMES VERY ANGRY. HE SCREAMS AND WIELDS THE MOP.

FADE TO BIG TOMMY INTRODUCING A NEW VICTIM

BIG TOMMY
I wanna introduce you to ma little friend – the only friend I have left. Crazy Mop Nigel, meet…..Crispin.

NIGEL STARTS SMIRKING, THEN SLOWLY GRABS HIS MOP. POV SHOT OF NIGEL PUTTING THE MOP IN CRISPIN'S FACE

FADE TO BLACK. SOUND OF LAUGHTER AND CRISPIN'S VERY CAMP VOICE SAYING, 'I've only just had a St Tropez, ya bastard!'.

I'll go for Dan. (And isn't it about time this thread was pinned?)

Quote: Timbo @ July 10 2009, 11:15 AM BST

I'll go for Dan. (And isn't it about time this thread was pinned?)

View original

Yes that confused me as well.