Newsjack reject: Michael Owen Sketch

Be gentle with it:

Michael Owen's Agent
Michael. There you are. How are you today?

Michael Owen
Terrible, David. I haven't got a club to play for. I'm injured all the time. I just don't know where my career is going.

Agent
Don't worry, Michael. We've sent the brochure to every major club in the world.

Owen
Look what good it's done me. The only clubs interested in me are Stoke and Hull. Blimey! I'm one of the top forwards in football. I should be playing for Man United or Barcelona. Not somewhere that stinks of fish.

Agent
But Michael, you have had a lot of injuries over the last few seasons. Clubs are bound to be a little circumspect about whether you're the player you once were.

Owen
I'm still as good a player as I've ever been.

Agent
Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you did play your last few games for Newcastle using a mobility scooter.

Owen
Well, you're my agent. Sort it out.

Agent
I've got a new idea, Michael. Now the brochure doesn't look like it's done the job.

Owen
You can say that again.

Agent
So, what I think you should do is try this out and see if that works.

Owen
What's this?

Agent
It's a sandwich board. You put it over your neck, go outside and walk the streets.

Owen
For Sale. Top professional footballer. A bit and wear and tear but still able to pop in the goals. Wages: £100,000 or ONO.

Agent
Now, I know what you're thinking, Michael. Why do I have to resort to this?

Owen
Too bloody right. I'm Michael bleeding Owen. I scored one of the great World Cup goals when I was eighteen. I'm the fourth highest England goal scorer ever. I even bought a whole street my family could live on.

Agent
Listen. We have to cut our cloth accordingly. There is a recession on. Anyway, you're on eBay as well.

FXMOBILE RINGS

Agent
Hang on, Mike. Let me get this. Hello? Yes, I am Michael Owen's agent. Yes. He is available this weekend. What's your offer? Yes. Yes. Well, that does sound tempting. I'm sure he'd be interested. I'll put it to him and be right back to you. Great news, Michael. It's work already. We've had an offer from Real Doner.

Owen
Who are they? Some foreign side?

Agent
Not quite. They're a pub team. They play in the Halifax Sunday morning league. Their manager says you don't have to pay a match fee, can have all the half-time oranges you want and you'll get a lift to the game and back from Big Barry. What'd you think?

There are some nice lines here, e.g. stinks of fish, mobility scooter, but the sketch could be a lot tighter.

You're right. It's a bit long.

Hi Y586

Yeah, it's too long, and a lot of the lines could be cut. First two need to go as you can set the scene easily with 'Hi Michael, I've sent the brochure out to all the major clubs interested' (in fact, you could do some 'underhand' wording to show that the agent knows he's past his prime and that he's not going to get much interest).

I think this is the sort of thing that might be covered in a Vox Pop at best though, so maybe you're making it difficult for yourself by not 'picking the right story' (don't worry, I'm doing exactly the same!) If that's the case, this would have to have been utterly brilliant to get on.

Not technically critique, but anyone reading this might be interested in the actual (rather cringey) brochure here: Michael Owen Brochure
and the best spin on it I've seen: Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Dan

I'm afraid I'm with the consensus here, sub. Probably a one-liner or two to be harvested, but I'd leave it at that. Dan's point about picking the right subject is very valid but difficult to pull off except with the really big stories.

Quote: swerytd @ June 28 2009, 10:17 AM BST

Hi Y586

Not technically critique, but anyone reading this might be interested in the actual (rather cringey) brochure here: Michael Owen Brochure
and the best spin on it I've seen: Hull To Buy Owen For Spares

Dan

View original

The mash did this pretty well. I can't believe you linked out to the Daily Mail site though Dan.

Quote: Ponderer @ June 28 2009, 10:46 AM BST

The mash did this pretty well. I can't believe you linked out to the Daily Mail site though Dan.

View original

Reactionary papers -- the stuff is already funny, not a big jump to writing good sketches! The Sun's ace! AND there's tits on page 3

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ June 28 2009, 10:59 AM BST

Reactionary papers -- the stuff is already funny, not a big jump to writing good sketches! The Sun's ace! AND there's tits on page 3

Dan

View original

Page 3 you say? Damn! I never get that far.

I think there is a sketch there. Just a better written one maybe. Maybe along the lines of a potential buyer inspecting Owen - bit like buying a secondhand car - and saying doubtfully 'and you say he's played for England?'

"I dunno, he's got over twenty million quid on the clock."

"All the way to Spain and back, you say?"
"Yeah"
"And no problems on the way?"
"Anyway, have you seen his hair? It's brilliant!"

Dan

I'm afraid it's a bit cliched having a pub team after him. How about Subbuteo or something?

Not if that pub team is made up of immigrant transexual Albanians. I was going to use a line about some team in Uzbekistan being interested in him then Phil Scolari decides to go there.