Newsjack Reject: Miles Undercover--Expense Junkies

Here's something JaneP and I collaborated on that wasn't deemed good enough to appear. (She got something on anyway, whilst I fell into the pit of despair with all my rejections-via-silence)

Dan

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MILES UNDERCOVER: EXPENSE JUNKIES
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MILES:
With MP's expense claims no longer being signed off with the gay abandonment of (BEAT) well, gay abandonists – desperate expenses junkies have been forced out of Westminster to get their next fix. I went undercover to a South London alleyway to find out more…

F/XRIPPING WATER. ECHOEY, LOW VOICES

MILES:
Hey, I hear this is where I can get some (WHISPERS) expense claims signed off.

TED:
Who are you?

JESS:
I've never seen you here before…

MILES:
I'm Giles Mupp. MP. For…erm… (HEARS DRIP) Water!

TED:
Who?

MILES:
Look I really need to sign off some Post-It notes and those envelopes with little windows in them.

JESS:
You sure you're in the right place? You sound like a bit of a novice.

TED:
We used to be like you, once. Fine at first…

JESS:
Just claiming the usual bits of stationery here and there—

TED:
—Boots Meal Deals—

JESS:
—charity contributions and the Gift Aid—

TED:
But they never said no!

JESS:
We got hooked!

TED:
Claimed for everything we saw!

JESS:
The sky was the limit! Literally. I claimed for a cloud once! They paid extra for the silver lining!

TED:
I moved into our shed so we could claim it as a second home. (PAUSE) And I'm not even an MP!

JESS:
(EXCITED) The dealer's here!

F/X:CROWD HUSTLE BUSTLE. PAPER WAVING. PEN SCRIBBLING CONSTANTLY.

MILES:
(WAVES PAPER) I hear you're the man to sign this off.

DEALER:
Don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout, mate.

MILES:
Please. I can't be expected to pay for it out of my 'three times the national average' salary!

DEALER:
You sure you're not Freedom of Information?

MILES:
No! I absolutely never reveal the truth. That's why they made me a Minister in the first place.

DEALER:
Wait there! (TO JESS) What's this for, love?

JESS:
A Soda-Stream, a Siberian tiger and four years' worth of government advice from a fortune teller.

MILES:
If I could just—

TED:
—Out of the way Giles! I can't wait any longer! Sign this one next, (BEGS) please!

DEALER:
What's it for?

TED:
5000 pre-signed expenses forms.

DEALER:
(MENACING) Oi! Wanna know what happens to people pushing in on my patch? 'Arry! Release this bloke's council tax claims to the press!

TED:
No! No! (CRIES) I need help!

DEALER:
Then you need The Priory, mate. ON YOUR OWN DIME!

F/X:TED STARTS TO WAILS. THE CROWD CLAMOURING FOR MORE ATTENTION

MILES:
(SUMMING UP) Well I guess that's what happens when you force these things underground – like brothels and private education.

END

I thought it was good, not brilliant. The general idea of expenses signed off by a drug dealer type was fine and you had some decent gags in it.

I would assume that it's easier to get one-liners on Newsjack rather than sketches, although Kevin would probably disagree. Next week, vox pops: 'Where were you when Michael Jackson died?', possibly.

I am inclined to agree with Nigel's assessment of the sketch, but I am not convinced that many people will be attempting these regular features, so I should think the chances of getting one of them in is higher than for voxpops, which we are all having a stab at.

I suspect that all these regular features are going to be a bugger though to get right. It is not easy picking up someone's else's concept and running with it. Hopefully as we get used to the format, and to Miles, it will become easier to pitch the material right. It is a shame the run is only six weeks, as it is going to take all of that to hit its stride.

Cheers guys for reading.

I agree Timbo. Ten weeks should have been the minimum. I only hope they continue it as a regular series a couple of times a year.

Dan

I thought this was a really good idea, and you've got the style of the show just right. I'd carry on writing similar stuff and I could see you getting one like this on.

Cheers John.

Dan