British Comedy Guide

NEWSJACK Submissions

Vox Pops - Rejected

What do you think of the new speaker of the house?

1) What does the speaker do anyway except shout people down... it's out of order. Right out of order!

2) They're saying Bercow's the first Jewish speaker, but what about Moses? He spoke Jewish.

3) If MPs were serious about reform, they wouldn't have picked one of their own to be speaker. They should have picked someone with experience of the real world, like a newspaper columnist or a TV personality.

4) Shoutin 'Order! Order!' all the time don't seem like much of a job to me. Do they want a speaker or a bouncer?

5) How do they know he won if it was a secret ballot? And how come they all knew when to turn up for the vote? Sounds like a fix to me, like 9/11 or Strictly Come Dancing.

6) GABBLING EAST END CABBIE: That Bercow's alright. Couldn't 'appen to a nicer fella. His dad was a taxi driver -- my old man knew 'im. I had that Michael Martin in the back of the cab once. Speaker of the 'ouse? Shouter of the 'ouse more like. Talk about a palaver! I couldn't get a word in edgeways. Left a nice tip, mind. Course it was on his expenses but it's more than you can say for some. It's not like the old days...(FADE)

7)I never even knew Ricky Martin was Speaker of the House until I heard he'd resigned.

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Apologies - Rejected

(1)
Newsjack would like to apologise for stating that Mel Gibson's girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva might be a gold digger. The couple have emphatically denied the allegation, though they do acknowledge that commuting back and forth from the Klondike might place a strain on the relationship.
(2)
A recent paper in the scientific journal Nature has shown that massive bodies might disrupt the solar system causing the earth to collide with mars. Newsjack would like to apologise for the malicious suggestion that John Prescott was the focus of the investigation.
(3)
Newsjack would like to apologise for reporting that Gordon Brown endured a hissy fit from the Queen following the departure of public relations representative Mr Simon Lewis from Buckingham Palace to the Prime Minister's office. The report should have stated that Mr Brown enjoyed tea and biscuits with the Queen. A mix-up during editing has been blamed for the error.

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Sketch - Rejected
The bit in the middle about the drone was deadweight here -- I reckoned they'd edit it out if they didn't like it but I probably should have cut it prior to submission.

MILES:The annual gathering of pagans and new age followers to mark the summer solstice took place over the weekend. With us on the line from Wiltshire is Newsjack's religious affairs correspondent Tony Jackson. Tony?

TONY:(D) Sun-worshippers from all corners thronged here to Stonehenge in their tens of thousands for the solstice, Miles. It was like ancient Egypt, Torremolinos and your local tanning salon all rolled into one. We've had everyone from the kids of the Birkenhead Satanist Youth Group to the pensioners of the New Age Old Age Society here.

MILES:Can you tell us a little about the purpose of the gathering?

TONY:(D) Druids assemble here to perform religious rituals during the solstice. Of course the pagan druids seek to revive the ancient Celtic culture of Britain although suggestions of a dissident republican terrorist connection (BEAT) have not been confirmed by Police at this stage.

MILES:So the police have dismissed any suggestion of terrorism?

TONY:(D) They haven't confirmed it at this stage, Miles. That's different.

MILES:I understand the police employed an unmanned aerial drone during the operation. What's the purpose of this?

TONY:(D) Security sources have indicated this kind of drone is normally employed when a surface-to-air missile threat is expected, though police have not confirmed the use of surface-to-air missiles at this stage.

MILES:Police dogs, mounted police, surveillance drones... Haven't the police gone a little over the top with their security for this event?

TONY:(D) Wiltshire police have their resources stretched to the limit during the solstice and need to make use of every asset they posses, Miles. Valuable manpower had to be diverted to other urgent policing needs. For example, a heavy police presence was required to keep order at a bouncy castle in Chippenham, and a garden fete at Lopcombe Corner threatened to turn violent.

MILES:Isn't there a risk sensationalist reporting and heavy-handed policing might prove counter-productive?

TONY:(D) There have been over thirty drug-related arrests here and if you'd seen what I've seen you'd agree that's not nearly enough. Incidents of violence, folk dancing and even cannibalism have been reported.

MILES:Have the police confirmed these reports?

TONY:(D) Um...

MILES:Not at this stage?

TONY:(D) Not at this stage, Miles, no.

Quote: dduff442 @ June 25 2009, 8:06 PM BST

Vox Pops -

2) They're saying Bercow's the first Jewish speaker, but what about Moses? He spoke Jewish.

I laughed hard at this one. You should send it to Letterbocks.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ June 25 2009, 8:20 PM BST

I laughed hard at this one.

Yes, that's the pick of the bunch.

Quote: Timbo @ June 25 2009, 9:58 PM BST

Yes, that's the pick of the bunch.

Ditto :D

First three vox pops were funny. The others seemed a bit tenuous. The corrections were alright, but not brilliant (I think that these could get very stale very quickly in the show tbh).

I didn't think the sketch was very funny. There's not enough jokes for the length and it's a bit 'talking heads'-y. ie no twist or big punchline. Kind of peters out a bit. Sorry.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ June 26 2009, 9:50 AM BST

First three vox pops were funny. The others seemed a bit tenuous. The corrections were alright, but not brilliant (I think that these could get very stale very quickly in the show tbh).

I didn't think the sketch was very funny. There's not enough jokes for the length and it's a bit 'talking heads'-y. ie no twist or big punchline. Kind of peters out a bit. Sorry.

Dan

I pretty much agree with you. The idea with the vox pops is that they'd could pick the ones they liked rather than thinking they'd run them all. I was working on the assumption that they'd run a few on the same theme. This would usually be a good idea as consistent themes help the material but in the end they had no interest in the speaker's election, so they were non starters.

I had a better wording for the Mel Gibson joke but changed it for some reason. The sketch was a bit of a rush job.

Out of interest, how did you find out they were rejected?
I sent some stuff in for the first time and don't know what the form is.

Quote: Lazzard @ June 26 2009, 12:40 PM BST

Out of interest, how did you find out they were rejected?
I sent some stuff in for the first time and don't know what the form is.

The only clue I got was a deafening silence emanating from the BBC...

They occasionally give feedback, but I got none.

Ah!
Silence.
The worst sort of rejection.

You hear via email sometime on Thursday before the recording. And the writers' names were on the episode synopsis website before the recording.

The rest of us (me included) get the insufferable silence...

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ June 26 2009, 12:49 PM BST

You hear via email sometime on Thursday before the recording. And the writers' names were on the episode synopsis website before the recording.

The rest of us (me included) get the insufferable silence...

Dan

'episode synopsis website' - where's that then?

For last night's episode:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lcl3t

There are links for the previous/next episodes towards the upper-right.

Quote: swerytd @ June 26 2009, 9:50 AM BST

First three vox pops were funny. The others seemed a bit tenuous. The corrections were alright, but not brilliant (I think that these could get very stale very quickly in the show tbh).

I didn't think the sketch was very funny. There's not enough jokes for the length and it's a bit 'talking heads'-y. ie no twist or big punchline. Kind of peters out a bit. Sorry.

Dan

I agree with Dan. But I really did like those first vox pops, especially Moses (as everyone seems to say).

Quote: Lazzard @ June 26 2009, 12:45 PM BST

Ah!
Silence.
The worst sort of rejection.

Not necessarily Lazzard. I once got a phone call from the DG at the BBC and he screamed at the top of his voice "Stop sending us stuff you talentless shit". Now that felt bad.

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