"Hey, Ked. Look at this email. Some twat of a lawyer fom Nigeria's offering ME
three million dollars if I help him rescue the six mil that his uncle stashed in
a bank account before he snuffed it. Shall we go for it?"
"Yeah, Soff. Why not. Sounds like a live one to me."
SOFF
"Me or you?"
KED
Nigeria's all yours, Soff.
SOFF verbalises as he types:
"Dear Mr Ubiwonga, Thank you for choosing me to help you with your problem.
Prior to taking up your most generous offer I would like to know if you've been
referred by one of my many satisfied customers, or did you select me at random?
I very much look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
P. Soff.
(International Fund Conveying Specialist)
KED
"Nice one, Soff."
Five minutes later.
SOFF
"F**k me, Ked. This is a record. He's replied already. I never thought anyone'd
beat Mrs Nubila Shangrila's 8 minutes 33 seconds.
KED laughs like a drain - his breath stinks.
SOFF
"Here goes: Dear Ubi. I already feel we have a psychic connection.
Our destiny is conjoined. In latin Ubi means where. And Ubi combined with wonga
means where the money is. Most appropriate and a huge sign that I am the
one intended to show you where to go and how to get there. I AM your chosen
guide.
It's a shame that you found me randomly. If you'd been referred I wouldn't have
needed to explain the following. Never mind, three mils will make it a most
joyful chore.
If you don't know how to beat the international money controls don't worry. I
do. This is how it works:
1) You open an account in the branch where your uncle's money is, under the name
of Ubi Awanka.
2) To stay under the radar I send daily amounts of $4,999.00 from 10 different
banks ($49,990.00) to this account. After 120 days the account will have
accrued a $6,000,000 balance.
3) I come to Nigeria using a passport that identifies me as Roland la Verminne
and with legal docs authorising me to administer the Ubi Awanka account.
4) You write me a back-dated cheque for six mil from your uncle's acct. (I
imagine a man of your superior intelligence won't have a problem forging his
signature, will you?). And I write a cheque payable to your uncle, also for
six mil, and we both pay the cheques into the corresponding account.
5) To allow the cheques to clear we can only repeat this every three days.
After 21 days or seven transactions the bank'll be accustomed to all this
money whizzing between our accounts.
6) On the 24th day you write a cheque for six mil BUT this time I don't write a
cheque. Three days later we start to send the twelve mil in lots of $4,999.00
to 20 numbered accounts I have in Switzerland.
7) 123 days later we both fly to Zurich and split the money. 3 mil for you and
9 mil for me.
When you've opened the Ubi Awanka account, send me the details and I'll
immediately start sending funds.
Your sincere and true friend.
P. Soff.
(International Fund Conveying Specialist)"
KED
"Ask him to send a pic of his dead uncle. See what happens"
SOFF
OK. "P.S. Please send photo of your dear, dead uncle.
SKIP TO NIGERIAN BANK
Five queues OF VERY mixed ages, gender and types form lines thirty people deep.
The PX cackles, pings and then a voice requests:
"Mr Ubi Awanka, please to go upstairs to the manager's office."
All 150 people + two of the tellers race for the lifts.
END