Location: Taxidermists
Setting: Exotic and unusual stuffed fauna are artistically arrayed around a small,dimly lighted premises. Strobe lights attempt to give animation to the inanimate inmates. Including the young, male shop assistant who slouches lifelessly over a stuffed ostrich, waiting for custom. A sign on the wall behind his head boasts the legend - We'll stuff anything except your Christmas turkey.
A man (meek customer) enters with a large, opaque Tuppeware box clutched to his chest. He turns his head looking for assistance and is hit with a full blast of mutli-coloured strobing. Loses vision and trips over the shop's live, pet cat.
The assistant leaps from the back of the bird and pounces. Drags the blinded customer over to a squatting ape, and jams him onto the ape's lap.
"Gosh, I bet that was a nasty surpise, wasn't it, sir?" he says, with smarmite oozing from his pores.
The MEEK CUSTOMER
rubs his eyes, peers around and just about manages to stand up.
"I want you to stuff this" - he says, blindly shoving the tupperware box into
the assistant's chest.
The ASSISTANT
looks down at the box studiously then looks back at the customer.
"I can do it in a couple of jiffs if you would like to wait, sir. Do you
have any filling preference? Sawdust, paper, expanded polistyrene injection or any other material?"
CUSTOMER
"What's best?" asks the customer. Arms still extended, pressing the box
against the assistant's chest.
The ASSISTANT responds
"Well, to be honest, sir, I think the air it already contains will be cheapest. It's free."
CUSTOMER
"It's what's IN the box that I want you stuff. I tried to do it myself
but I couldn't even make the first incision" he says, with a pathetic
cringe.
The ASSISTANT
takes the box and opens it. It's full of mottled, grey slimy stuff. "What the
hell is this" he exclaims. Drops the box on floor and sees the contents
bounce out and land on the head of the skulking cat.
The MEEK CUSTOMER
rubs eyes, trying to regain full vision.
"It's an octopus. How much will it cost?" Said with a tearful whince.
The ASSISTANT
grabs the floppy octopus from the cat's head and nonchalantly twirls it around by one of its tentacles.
"Depends how you want it. Legs flat out like a star and mounted on a bed of authentic looking seaweed; Whacked onto a barnacle covered rock; floating in a mocked-up fish tank; embeded in a block of watery coloured perspex..."
The ASSISTANT notices the customer looking more and more concerened with each
suggestion.
"Well, how about this for a great idea, and it would definitely come within your budget. You could just have it stuffed - with no effects., just plain and simple. Like me, eh. Ha, ha...
The customer starts backing away from the counter, definitely not amused and
definitely having trouble with his eyesight.
The ASSISTANT blusters.
"Just picture this, sir. Your magnificent mollusc lounging on its back on the centre of your dining table. Lovely, relaxed, content and cuddling armfulls of lucious fruit. A beautiful, constant reminder of all the happy times you've shared. It will be incredibly practical, AND also an amazingly original conversation piece, eh?"
The CUSTOMER
regains full vision and looks aghast.
"I'm sorry, give it back. I made a mistake."
The ASSISTANT
gets indignant
"What? You haven't chosen a stuffing or a mounting. Where's the mistake?"
The CUSTOMER
pitifully pleads
"I came to the wong place, please let me have my octopus. If I don't get it stuffed and back home by half five my wife's going to kill me."
The ASSISTANT
looks at his watch, puffs out his chest with pride and says
"WE are the best and fastest stuffers in London, sir. And I can tell you
that you'll not get anyone to stuff this lump of multi-limbed slime today.
If you make a quick decision, though, I gaurantee to have it stuffed and ready
for collection this time tomorrow." Big grin fades as the...
CUSTOMER
Leaps foward, snatches the whirling octopus from the assistant, rams it back in the Tupperware and sprints out of the shop.
NEXT SCENE: The CUSTOMER enters a fishmongers.
The FISHMONGER
looks up from filleting a flounder.
"Get it stuffed OK, sir?"
CUSTOMER
"No. The smart-arse assistant just took the piss and he said they couldn't do
it until tomorrow afternoon. God, I promised the Mrs that I'd get it done for
tonight. She's got some friends coming especially. What am I going to do?" plight and desperation battle for control of his face.
The FISHMONGER
says with a resigned sigh "Bloody Hell. All right I'll sort it out for you, sir but it's going to set you back fifty quid, at least. Come back at five."
NEXT scene: The octopus, now lumpy and deformed, lies with its tentacles splayed out on a highly polished wooden board, on a Dining room table.
The MRS enters the house, goes to the dining room and stares at the octopus.
Then bellows "What the hell happened to the stuffing?"
A familiar FEEBLE voice replies
"It's mostly in the tentacles, dear."
The Mrs
picks up a slimy limb and a shrimp, two gherkins and a pickled onion fall out.
Another bellow
"Very nice, dear. But just ONE minor criticism. Octopus is sooo much better when it's COOKED.