FRANK IS IN A PUB HAVING A CHAT WITH HIS MATE GARRY.
GARRY
Frank mate! You're a life saver mate.
FRANK
Look I've only ever done one open mike night and I got booed and no one spoke to me after my best man's speech.
GARRY
Nah mate you're funster Frank, you're freaking hilarious. We just needed one more person for the comedy night.
FRANK
Ok but they're a friendly crowd aren't they?
GARRY
Yeh mate handful of good natured types, they'd laugh at a fart in a bottle.
C'mon mate let's go.
THEY GO THROUGH A DOOR DOWN A CORRIDOR DOWN A STAIR CASE AND ALONG A TUNNEL.
FRANK
Crikey this is along way.
GARRY
Almost there mate.
IT'S A VERY LONG TUNNEL THEY NOW CLIMB A STAIR CASE, THERE IS A DOOR THEY GO THROUGH INTO BLAZING LIGHT.
GARRY LEADS FRANK ONTO THE STAGE HE BLINKS AND GLANCES INTO THE CROWD.
THERE MUST EASILY BE 50,001 PEOPLE THERE STANDING IN A RAINY FIELD IN PERFECT SILENCE STARING AT THE STAGE.
THE MC TAKES THE MIKE.
MC
Right before the Rolling Wheetles can play we've got a standup. Now give him a hand!
FRANK STAGGERS TO THE FRONT AND CAN SEE THE BAND BEHIND HIM IS INDEED MADE UP OF THE WHO, THE BEATLES, THE ROLLING STONES AND WHAT VERY MUCH LOOKS LIKE ELVIS AND CURT COBAIN.
THE CROWD GOES BERZERK APPLAUDING SCREAMING THERE IS A WALL OF SOUND.
FRANK TAKES THE MIKE THE AUDIENCE GO COMPLETELY SILENT AND STARE INTENTLY.
FRANK
Hello erm hi, hello I'm Frank. My girlfriend is so fat she, she is lasagnae. I mean her blood type is...
AUDIENCE AS ONE VOICE SCREAM BACK.
Ragu that's so old.
PERSON AT THE BACK
My girlfriend has Type 2 diabetese you bastard!
OTHER PERSON AT THE BACK
My mum was eaten by an Italian cannibal he made her into a ragu!
OTHER PERSON AT THE BACK.
I'm Italian and a lesbian you racist sexist!
THE AUDIENCE BOO HIM LOUDLY AND HURL BOTTLES OF PISS AT FRANK HE FALLS TO THE FALL AS HE CRAWL OFF COVERED IN BLOOD AND PISS AND LOOKING LIKE HE MIGHT HAVE SEPTESEMEA. THE AUDIENCE BREAK INTO A PARTICULARLY HUMILIATING SLOW HAND CLAP THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE THUNDER OF HUMILIATION.
EVENTUALLY HE IS DRAGGED AWAY BY PARAMEDICS.
GARRY WALKS TO THE MICROPHONE
GARRY
I told you Funster Frank was a scream!
THE AUDIENCE BREAK INTO WARM APPRECIATIVE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Enjoyed.
