My stand-up

Surprised to find myself doing this to be honest, but you're such lovely people...

Right - I'm harbouring a long-held ambition to do a 10 minute slot of open-mic stand-up. I've jotted down an introduction type bit - feel free to tear it to shreds (I can handle it - I've got books and everything)

Also, try to imagine it performed too please! Ta!

Hi. Hi. Right, well, I'll be honest with you. I'm nervous. That means you're probably nervous too. That's a bit of a crap start, isn't it? I can't help it, sorry. You should see me with a woman! It's all pretty guilt based. I try to dangle them over a canyon of potential and probable remorse– 'agree to see me again, or choose the manner of my passing'. That sort of thing.

No, I'm not saying that f you don't enjoy this then let my death forever rest on your conscience. But think about it. Ok, nerves then.

Thirteen years old, right? Left at home, alone. It's a Friday. I know this because Avenger Penguins has just finished. The thirteen year old me hates Fridays. And I'll tell you why. A knock at the door. It's the paperboy.

I'd handle things differently now, of course. No money in the house, the paperboy wants paying, I'll go to the door - 'sorry mate, can I sort it out with you next week?' No problems, the world is at peace. Easy?

But nope – not at thirteen. A knock at the door. BANG! I slam up against the wall, making myself as unnoticeable as possible – their vision is based on movement, you see? I think about it – there's no money anywhere I can think of. My chest rises and falls in rhythm and I breathe silently. Please don't look through the side window, please don't look through the side window. Bollocks.

There he is, looking in. He can see me. I can see him. There's nothing to be done. But I'm trapped now. How can I explain my way out of that situation? So I hold the moment – I stay pressed against the wall but I avert my eyes. If I can't see him, he can't see me.

I'm not that bad now, of course. But the nerves flare up at weird places. Shaking hands with women for example, how the bloody hell do you do that? Too hard, she screams. Too soft and all her friends will think you're gay. Crocodile Dundee's choice. Better than kissing cheeks though. I always seem to get my Nan's ear. She's got lobes like a Masai.

I can't order certain dishes for fear of mispronunciation and, if it's unavoidable, always back up my choices with a finger thrusting at its place on the menu. 'Can I have the mer…mer…mer…(pause) mer…yes, that's it, thank you very much.' I've only got a girlfriend because I couldn't face buying porn.

I was in the 99p shop the other day. They sell porn in there! How f**king repulsive must you be to find yourself in pound shop porn?

It is pretty original, and I suppose the humour will be more obvious when your performing. I liked it. I thought you had some good tid bits there.. and it was real easy to imagine you performing because of the way you've written it!!

Don't start your gig by telling people you're nervous, you'll only succeed in making them nervous too. Besides, no one's interested that you're doing this for the first time - they're just there laugh.

I thought the last gag had potential as a springboard for a longer piece. Work on extending it.

Cheers Norm.

Fair point David - I tried to remedy that by pointing that out - but I know it doesn't work. I was trying to jump to the paperboy story and others of that ilk, building a persona. Maybe a nervous one isn't the one to go for!

Some good lines in there. Echo David on the porn shop bit - more potential in there. Loads of comedians have a nervous persona but it's usually a faked nervousness, it's mainly about how well you can carry it off.

Very few people will give a shit if you are nervous - except to start looking at their watches and think "what the hell have I let myself in for". The few people who do give a shit will be saying "aw, bless" which isn't the best mood for them to start laughing. So it's a no win situation. Ditch the references to nerves and dive in with funny stuff.

Quote: Badge @ June 22 2009, 3:47 PM BST

Very few people will give a shit if you are nervous - except to start looking at their watches and think "what the hell have I let myself in for". The few people who do give a shit will be saying "aw, bless" which isn't the best mood for them to start laughing. So it's a no win situation. Ditch the references to nerves and dive in with funny stuff.

View original

Yep - I agree. I might return to the nerves a little while into it - I'm quite limited in parts I play when I act - one is nervous, and I might be able to fit that into stage persona - but you're right - definitely not to start.

It is definitely original and certainly has alot of potential. You need more laugh out loud moments or keep the story constantly amusing. I think starting off about being nervous could be horrible to watch if you are genuinely nervous Rick. On the other hand it kick starts your material nicely and if you can continue with reasonable confidence, you should be fine. I would suggest spending more time developing parts rather than jumping from one subject to the next. I would delve more into the meeting/dating women. (bring the part about shaking hands with women back to the start)

"No, I'm not saying that f you don't enjoy this then let my death forever rest on your conscience. But think about it. Ok, nerves then."

I would lose that completely. No matter how you say that, it will just be awkward I think?

"I'd handle things differently now, of course. No money in the house, the paperboy wants paying, I'll go to the door - 'sorry mate, can I sort it out with you next week?' No problems, the world is at peace. Easy?"

This sounds okay, but there is no real laugh here. How about being a little more offensive/OTT.

Other than that, I think acting will be essential to the success of this material and if you nail it, it could well be brilliant.

Oh and the part about your grandmother having lobes like a Masai. I have actually used that before. All be it slightly different.

Best of luck anyway, Rick.

I'll have my stand-up material up for ridicule soon.

Cheers Craig, ta for taking the time - useful stuff.

Rick, instead of the "nervous" theme, you could open with;

"I don't know about you but I'm absolutely useless at engaging with people on a one-to-one basis...."

Most of your material is suited to that scenario and you can elicit an amount of empathy from the audience using that theme.

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ June 23 2009, 6:19 PM BST

Rick, instead of the "nervous" theme, you could open with;

"I don't know about you but I'm absolutely useless at engaging with people on a one-to-one basis...."

Most of your material is suited to that scenario and you can elicit an amount of empathy from the audience using that theme.

View original

I don't know.. I feel you should me more self-depreciative while at the same time trying to radiate confidence...