INT. OFFICE.
A NOTICEBOARD AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM IS COVERED WITH PHOTOS. A MAN (SARGE) IS STANDING AT IT AND SEVERAL COPS SITTING AROUND ARE WATCHING HIM.
SARGE:
Ok, as you all know, there's been a spate of armed robbers targeting jewellers. Here's what we got on them thus far. (POINTS AT FIRST PHOTO) Jimmy 'Fingers' Magee, the brains behind the operation.
VOICE:
Was he a pickpocket sarge?
SARGE:
Nah, he has a penchant for long, slender chocolate biscuits. Next up, the gang's muscle. (POINTS AT ANOTHER PHOTO) Bobby 'Goldschlager' Frazer, he's their shooter.
VOICE:
That third photo sarge, the swarthy bloke clad from head to toe in hessian and who appears to be playing the pan pipes. That's a disguise surely?
SARGE:
How'd that get there, that's one of my holiday snaps? Moving on swiftly. The third and final member of their crew. (POINTS AT PICTURE)
VOICE:
Sarge, that's a cow.
SARGE:
Well done son, meet Ermentrude. Ermentrude bursts into the jewellers and in the ensuing small scale stampede the gang go about their criminal business unhindered… masterful.(PAUSE) We did get a snap of their getaway vehicle though. (POINTS AT PICTURE)
VOICE:
A hot air balloon?
SARGE:
Correct clever clogs and why do you think they use a hot air balloon?
VOICE:
They're experienced balloonists, they enjoy revelling in the pandemonium they've caused from afar whilst enjoying spectacular panoramic views sarge.
SARGE:
That's a great answer, wrong though, none of the gang drive. Now, intelligence has suggested that this could be their safe house. (POINTS AT PICTURE)
VOICE:
That's incredibly safe, that's a photo of the moon. Are you feeling ok sarge?
SARGE:
Of course I'm ok. It's no ordinary moon lad it's one that's been constructed entirely from the proceeds of their heinous crimes. What we need is to use the strong magnetic arm of the law to rein in these bastards. (SHOUTING) I WANT CONVICTIONS! CONVICTIONS! CONVICTIONS!
FADE.
CUT TO EXTREME CLOSE UP OF SARGE WHOSE EYES ARE SHUT BUT THEN OPEN.
SARGE:
Convictions, convictions. F**king hell.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL SARGE IS LYING IN THE BOTTOM BUNK OF A BED IN A JAIL CELL.
SARGE:
I've just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was in the Filth.
A LARGE, BLACK, GRINNING FACE PEERS UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE TOP BUNK. YOU CAN MAKE OUT THE WORD 'BUBBA' TATTOOED ON HIS FOREHEAD.
BUBBA:
Did you just say filth? I love it when you talk dirty, he, he, he.
