A handful of my Letterbocks/Top Tips that Viz knocked back a few months back. Maybe some will provoke a giggle or two here.
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Letterbocks
* They say: "Once bitten, twice shy". Too true. My three-year-old granddaughter was already quite shy before she was mauled by the family rottweiler, and I haven't heard a peep out of her since either.
* Whatever happened to the lovely Lily Savage? I haven't seen her on daytime telly in years, and she used to be on every day.
* People say that "beauty is only skin-deep", but do any readers know if that's true? I only ask because my girlfriend has just been diagnosed with leprosy.
* Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls were allowed to carry on releasing albums and films for many years after their deaths. But when Harold Pinter dies, nothing! It's political correctness gone mad, I tell you.
* I know you're supposed to strike while the iron is hot, but, in my experience, a cold iron has never left that big of a mark on her face.
* As an American evangelical Christian, I believe that love conquers all. Oh, wait, did I say love? I meant the United States Marine Corps.
* They say: "Dead men tell no tales." Oh really? Tell that to somebody who, like me, has just watched an old VHS of Denholm Elliott on Jackanory.
* They say: "Beggars can't be choosers". Rubbish. Outside the off license tonight I gave a pound to a Big Issue seller, then watched him spend five minutes trying to decide whether to spend it on Special Brew or Tennants Super.
* I hear they're going to remake 'Predator'. What's wrong with Hollywood nowadays, always trying to remake classic movies? Why can't they just endlessly piss out unwanted and inferior sequels, like they did in the good old days?
* They say: "No man can serve two masters." But I'm working at a pilchard-packing factory in the day and driving a minicab at night, and I'm still drawing disability. Technically, that's three masters.
* I keep hearing that "rats desert a sinking ship." If anything, I think this proves conclusively that rats aren't as stupid as we thought they were.
* It's so very nice to see hunky 80s heartthrob Mickey Rourke back in the cinemas, and extra nice to see that all those years in the wilderness haven't hurt his looks.
* I'm very surprised that no bishops have come out saying that the Australian wildfires were God's punishment for Aussies throwing so many shrimp on the barbie, despite the Bible very specifically telling them not to. (Deuteronomy 14, 9-10)
* Isn't Twitter fantastic! How did I ever survive before I discovered I could receive an email every time Jonathan Ross takes a shit?
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Top Tips
* MEXICAN restaurants. Save money on lard when cooking re-fried beans by simply frying the beans once, but for twice as long.
* FELLOW vicars. Do not always practice what you preach. For twenty years I preached that Lot out of off of the Bible got drunk and had sex with his daughters, and now I'm in prison on a ten-stretch.
* BUSTING-for-a-piss alcoholic boyfriends. Not enough time to make it to my kitchen sink? No problem. Simply slash in my bin, instead.
* CELEBRITY Twitter users. Get your office-bound followers to really warm to you by announcing you've just got out of bed at 11.30am and have to rush off to a three-hour champagne lunch meeting, every day.
Good stuff Kevin.
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