Further Drawn Apart.

JILL IS GAZING AT A PICTURE OF FABIO DRAWN ON HER WINDOW.

JILL
Oh Fabio now my useless husband has gone we can be together forever. Now won't you please come up from the garden?

2 SOCIAL WORKERS LIN AND JEN WALK INTO HER BEDROOM

JEN
Mrs Nolastname we're with social services.

LIN
Jill we need to talk to you about your children

JILL
Why? I'm a good mother, I love my children.

JEN
Jill your children are now between 8 and 14 have never been to school, never been registered with a GP.

JILL
But they're healthy outdoorsy kids always playing in the back of the garden.

LIN
Jill we've been keeping an eye on your garden and we've never seen them.

JILL
Oh that's because they're drawn on my bedroom window, they're imaginary.

JEN
I see Jill so because they're imaginary they have less rights that real kids?

LIN
And we can see from your window they're with your partner Fabio. Jill how much time does Fabio spend with you children?

JILL
When ever I look out the window they're together.

JEN
I'm sorry Jill you can see how this looks. Your kids aren't in school, they spend all their time with a stepfather with whom there seems to be no closeness with you.

JILL
But he's always in the garden!

LIN
With your kids, who we are taking into care.

JILL
No leave them be! No you can't do this to me!

LIN CLEANS THE PICTURES OFF OF THE WINDOW
WE CAN SEE A MINI BUS ON THE DRIVE FROM THE WINDOW
ANOTHER SOCIAL WORKER IS DRAWING THE KIDS ON THE INSIDE OF THE WINDOW THEY ARE CRYING IN THIS DRAWING

SCENE2
LIN JEN AND THE OTHER SOCIAL WORKER ARE DRIVING AWAY THE THIRD SOCIAL WORKER IS DRAWING THE KIDS WAVING GOODBYE.

LIN
It's the imaginary kids that are always the hardest.

JEN
Oh good look she's starting over we'll be back again next year.

WE SEE JILL PAINTING NEW KIDS IN HER WINDOW, THEY ARE MIXED RACE AND SHE IS ALSO PAINTING A BLACK GUY.

LIN
Shoudln't we just take her paints away?

JEN
Don't even think like that.

Well, you dared to build on a classic...

I loved it. Wasn't sure where or how you would further this, but you did it very well.

My only crit was the bloody names, they were all so similar . Was getting mixed up.

"Shouldn't we just take away her paints"

(sp) on Shouldn't.

As you know I thought your Drawn apart sketch was brilliant. I like this as well, not as much but it's always going to work because the idea is so sound. The idea of her drawing a new family is a good one, the only small point I'd make is that I'm not sure it works as well with her knowing they're imaginary.

JILL
Oh that's because they're drawn on my bedroom window, they're imaginary.

But it might actually add to it a bit. I'm not sure.

Well done, Sootyj, this extends the story nicely.

Agree with Pedro about keeping Jill in a fantasy world in regards to the fake family/boyfriend. And yeah, Craig's right - what were you thinking with those names? Are you deliberately trying to sabotage yourself?

I'd leave the corny "nolastname" stuff out too. You want it played straight to contrast with the absurdity I think.

As the names aren't funny I'm literally blind to name choice.

I think I'd genuinely use a random name generator.

Glad you guys liked it, I liked it one of those rare examples of finding one's voice.

N.B. the should we take her paints away is my fave line in the whole thing. A sinister semi serious line artfully slipped in.

I really liked it.

Sootmeister does the biz.

I love the redrawing of the kids as they're taken away. But the nolastname kinda stumbles in what is a great piece.