Open on tight shot of a pudgy finger pressing a doorbell.
SFX: Ding Dong
A meek looking guy answers the door.
Cut wide to see a big sweaty bloke standing in his doorway.
BLOKE: Mr Henry Trent, 44 Woodfield Drive?
TRENT Yes
BLOKE: Did you recently place an order with My Thai Bride dot com?
TRENT: Yes
From the back of his head the bloke pulls down a ridiculous little lace veil.
BLOKE: Ta! Da!
He barges past the stupified guy
BLOKE: Nice place. Lacks the feminine touch - but we'll soon put that right.
TRENT: I didn't order you.
BLOKE: Oh yes you did
TRENT: I did not. I ordered her.
He indicates a framed photo of a gorgeous young Thai girl.
BLOKE: Ah! basic page one errror, mate." Photograph shown is representative. Actual product may differ slightly."
TRENT: Slightly! You're not even a woman
BLOKE: Yes, but look on the bright side - I do like anal sex and watersports - two out of three aint bad.
Trent puts his head in hands
BLOKE: Look, I'm here now, why not make the most of it?
TRENT: What?!
BLOKE: I could give you a massage - you know, walk up and down your back?
TRENT: Are you mad?
BLOKE: How about something to eat - do you like oriental food?
TRENT: (brightening) Well, yes, I love it as a matter of fact.
BLOKE: Good, 'cos I could murder a chinese - you order, you're the man.
TRENT: Look, I've just about had enough...
BLOKE: How about a blow job? Everyone loves a blow job.
TRENT: Right! Out! Out!
He shows him the door.
BLOKE: (shouting as he's forced out) Oh very nice! My mother was right. I should never have married you. You'll be hearing from my solicitors...
Trent SLAMS the door.
Cut outside to a close on the big bloke settling into a driving seat.
He removes the veil and replaces with a FedEx hat.
He looks into the back of his van where we see the stunning Thai girl in full bridal gear, sitting grumpily on a package.
BLOKE: Sorry love - no one in. So, how about we pop back to my place and you make us all a nice cup of tea...
