HOST:Ask the average member of the public how they would rehabilitate sex offenders, and the most common reaction will normally involve some unsavoury act involving the offenders private parts. However, the government is to today publish a new plan on how to rehabilitate sex criminals. Joining me tonight is Simon Richards MP, who works for the Department of Justice.
MP:Good evening.
HOST
o Minister, what is your plan?
MP:Well, we recently discovered that there was a loophole in the law. While indeed viewing child pornography, viewing extreme pornography, performing paedophilia and performing rape are illegal, we noticed that it was only illegal when being performed on people. So we plan to exploit this loophole by making sex offenders sexually attracted to things other than people.
HOST:What do you mean?
MP:I'll give you an example. That chair you are sitting on. It is perfectly legal to have sex with that chair. Granted it is odd and it would be difficult to shag, but it is technically legal.
HOST:Your plan is to make sex criminals sexually attracted to furniture?
MP:It's not just furniture. We are trying a wide range of different schemes. Take paedophiles. We are currently running a scheme in which we are encouraging offenders to move away from this sort of material onto something less harming.
HOSTuch as?
MP
ornographic images of baby mythological animals. We thought it would be best to get them attracted to something that doesn't really exist.
HOST:And do you really think this would work?
MP:Certainly. Well, so long as the offender doesn't get his hands on a unicorn fancy dress costume for a five year old.
HOSTimon Richards MP, thank you.
MP:It's a pleasure.
Perfect for a show seeking original material. I found it amusing anyway.