My rubbish newsagents

This sketch came to me in a flash on inspiration and it's been in my head ever since.

SOOTYJ IS STERNLY ADRESSING HIS LOCAL NEWSAGENT MR PATEL

SOOTYJ
I'd like to complain in the strongest terms about this copy of the Daily Mail you sold me this morning.

PATEL
Well sir I have warned you that the Daily Mail's trenchant views on modern life may be a bit strong for a wishy washy liberal like yourself.

SOOTYJ
That's as maybe. But the Daily Mail usually contains more than one article, isn't written in Biro and doesn't end with Kill Ned Flanders written several times.

PATEL
Well I thought it was very funny on the Simpsons yesterday.

SOOTYJ
Aha I knew it you wrote it yourself! And as for this copy of Cosmopolitan.

PATEL
Did you like the recipe of Naan Bread, or the tips on holidaying with your family in Kashmir?

SOOTYJ
How dare you I'm not a homosexualist!

PATEL
I beg your pardon?

SOOTYJ
As a red blooded male I don't read the articles that's gay. I buy Cosmopolitan purely to masturbate over the swim wear section, which I believe is supposed to feature Megan Fox this week.

PATEL
She is lovely isn't she sir.

SOOTYJ
Well she's not an Asian Susan Boyle look alike with a monobrow that spreads into her sideburns!

PATEL
How dare you insult my wife like that.

SOOTYJ
I knew it I ruddy well knew it, you've faked up all the bloody papers and magazines in this shop you cad.

PATEL
I admit it sir we can't compete with the new Tesco Metro, no one cares for the small business man.

SOOTYJ
Oh I'm not finished sonny Jim, I'd like a word about your hard core fetish porn mag section.

PATEL
Was there a problem with Thai Lady Boys go anal? Not enough anal perhaps?

SOOTYJ
Well there's plenty of anal I'll give you that. But the Thai Lady Boys would appear to be you in a bra, your wife with a strap on and both of you with your eyes taped back to make them look slitty.

PATEL
I'm sorry sir I was desperate, the rates are due, the Taliban have my granny hostage and are sending her to me in slices...

SOOTYJ
Oh you misunderstood me. I'm having the op next week can I be a model?

PATEL
Of course sir you are rather obsessive.

SOOTYJ
Not that kind of anal!

Both burst out laughing.

Downright weird..

But I like the idea of a newsagent making up his own newspapers because he can't afford to get them from the publishers.

I agree that I really liked the premise of this one and personally would like to see a cleaner, simpler version which I think would work really well and could be sent off as a radio sketch.

But that's probably just me.

Jx

I suppose by cleaner you mean less anal? Hmm that's a genuine double entendre.

Quote: sootyj @ June 10 2009, 1:23 PM BST

I suppose by cleaner you mean less anal? Hmm that's a genuine double entendre.

View original

I was thinking more along the lines of broadcastable.

The trouble is I'm rewriting this in my head as a totally different sketch which is very impertinent of me! I'm seeing a nice chummy shop owner who's clearly mad talking to the average customer who he's written the paper and magazine to suit. Punchline could be another customer coming in moaning about her magazine - eg she used the free shampoo and her hair fell out.

It's kind of a compliment to you, but please feel free to report me for misconduct.

Jx

What misconduct? But if you want to do your own version on it.

I am aiming to write a rubbish version of every sketch ever.

Another great idea Soots but as Jane points out it's missing the killer ending. But, apart from that, the basic idea and up to the mid-section is very good.