British Comedy Guide

The Paedo Files

Thanks to Lazzard for 'The Paedo Files' idea.
These I imagine to run spread throughout a sketch show
It's a bit rushed but oh well.

Credits for The Paedo Files

INT: PARK. DAY

Children are playing in the background

Peter Blossom: Good evening, I'm Peter Blossom and welcome to The Paedo Files. As a journalist I think I have an important role in society to protect the innocent and expose the guilty. In the following documentary I shall be investigating the dark world of child abuse and hopefully raising the nation's attention to this massive, massive problem.

(During last line a man ran into background picked up a child and ran off)

Peter Blossom: (Looking round) Some people are so rudeā€¦.WE'RE TRYING TO FILM A DOCUMENTARY HERE (Shouting). (Turns back to camera shaking his head) Shall we do that again?

END OF CLIP

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INT: Peter Blossom's study. Late Night

(Peter Blossom is looking tired and is on his computer)

PB: The internet is the means whereby paedophiles are able to gain their victims trust. Tonight I've created an account on a chat room and I am posing as a 14 year old girl to see if there are any predators on here.

CUTS AS IF TIME HAS PASSED

PB: Well I've found a 32 year old male who seems very enthusiastic to meet up with me. To not to arouse suspicion I haven't told him that it's a 14 year old girl as he may work out from that, that I am in fact a journalist posing as a 14 year old girl. This far I don't think he's clicked onto what we're doing. Anyway I think I have enough evidence here to be able to contact the authorities. (Picks up the phone)

CUTS TO OUTSIDE COURTROOM

Police are dragging the 32 year old man through a crowd of people into a police van.

MAN: (Screaming) I haven't done anything

PB: (Outside the crowd, addressing the camera) Finally justice has been done.

END OF CLIP
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INT: MALE INTERVIEWEE'S DINING ROOM

(A documentary team are investigating paedophiles)

PB's VO: Welcome back to the The Paedo Files. I met up with Andrew Barrett who has authored a book about his sexual relationship with a minor. Naturally as a journalist I haven't read it, I've jumped to my own knee jerk conclusions and am about to embark on asking him a series of questions in my best morally authoritative tone.

PB: Don't you think having sex with a minor is immoral?

Male: No I don't see why it should be, it's a load of fuss about nothing

PB: I have to say I'm astonished that you'd be so brazen about your sexual relationship with a child

Male: I don't see what is so astonishing about (stops mid flow), I'm sorry did you say 'a child'

(In walks a man in a high-vis boiler suit, with a hard hat with torch attached, and a small pick axe)

PB looks baffled

Miner: What? (Confused)

END OF CLIP
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INT: Corridor. Day

(Camera is tracking Peter Blossom down a corridor)

PB: Well after our extensive look into the minds of paedophiles and the suffering of their victims we probably haven't uncovered as much as we'd have liked to. So to delve in further I myself am going to bite the bullet and abuse a child to try to find out what motivates these monsters.

(Camera finishes track as PB reaches a door and walks in)

PB: Hello (pronounced in a Lesley Philips kind of way, as door opens, then shuts it behind himself, with camera outside)

15 MINUTES LATER

A young girl runs out of door crying passed the camera

PB: (Walks out slowly looking satisfied doing his flies up) that was disgusting. These paedophiles really must be stopped.

END

Yikes!
Edgy.
Thought the last one probably crossed the line.
I can see the others shaping up into something, though.
Why no paediatrician gag?
[Apparentley this actually happened, a load of chavs on an estate rounding on some doctor " He even had the cheek to stick up a brass plaque advertising the fact!"]

PS I'll start charging by the gag soon. ;)

Quote: JimLad @ June 8 2009, 4:17 PM BST

Thanks to Lazzard for 'The Paedo Files' idea.

Quote: Lazzard @ June 8 2009, 4:33 PM BST

PS I'll start charging by the gag soon. ;)

Thanks? - Charging? Click here first! > > http://tinyurl.com/ll88gz

Also, the minor/miner gag > > > http://tinyurl.com/ms9hhv

ooh. not good.

Quote: Morrace @ June 9 2009, 12:50 AM BST

Thanks? - Charging? Click here first! > > http://tinyurl.com/ll88gz

Also, the minor/miner gag > > > http://tinyurl.com/ms9hhv

Ooer!
Apologies all-round.
I'd completely forgoten that (not the programme - the title)

Darn

Wasn't aware of either of those

to be honest its hardly gonna be a great loss discarding those sketches

Quote: Lazzard @ June 8 2009, 4:33 PM BST

Yikes!
Edgy.
Thought the last one probably crossed the line.
I can see the others shaping up into something, though.
Why no paediatrician gag?
[Apparentley this actually happened, a load of chavs on an estate rounding on some doctor " He even had the cheek to stick up a brass plaque advertising the fact!"]

PS I'll start charging by the gag soon. ;)

It did happen, it was on the Paulsgrove estate in Portsmouth. They also spelt paedophile with an f. This was written on a bedsheet that they carried through the streets. Classy.

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