Just thought I'd post a review I wrote a few months ago about Paris Hilton's British best friend. Hope you like it.
After wiping the blood away from my eyes and ears I begin to write this review unsure of where to start.
Paris Hilton's British best friend is an ITV2 show in which the semi retarded 'celebrity' daughter of a greedy hotel owner, comes to the UK in search of civilian sidekick to accompany her on her adventures in the world of the idiot.
Reality TV whore Paris (who strongly resembles a partially melted downs syndrome barbie doll) has handpicked a scattering of plucky hopefuls who must fight it out to become her best friend through a series of pointless, humiliating, demoralising challenges in order to extract whatever shred of self respect they have left.
The winner will be paraded around tinsel town in front of the paparazzi and then taken to a basement and shot..... Sorry that was my imagination running away with itself. The chosen best friend will escort Paris on her meaningless existence in la la land (hanging around with Paris Hilton or being shot and killed in front of my friends and family....its a tough choice)
The show starts with Princess Prick stain taking us on a tour of her house, we see her walk in wardrobe with its own separate shoe room, we are then taken outside to meet her canine buddies who have their own lavish kennel, which is with out a doubt bigger and more expensive than the family home I grew up in.
After farting out a few more dull incoherent sentences, Hilton jets off for the UK (even at this early stage in the show I find myself praying for engine failure).
Once in the UK, we are introduced to the sprightly hopeful contestants.
One particular contestant, Jade from Liverpool, explains the reason she entered the show is "I read Paris's book and thought Wow, she thinks exactly like I think, I wanna be just like her"
Imagine being in awe of a women who once penned the phrase "I don't really think, I just walk." After only seeing jade on screen for a few minutes you can tell she has the intelligence of a fourteen month old, dyslexic, crack head, greyhound and with less compassion than Joseph Stalin.
After the pointless spirit crushing challenges have taken place and the contestants have been suitably humiliated to suit hotel whore Hilton, the moron hopefuls are hoarded into a diamond encrusted tension filled knacker box to eagerly await the arrival of Queen Idiot. Hilton is ushered into the room and sits aloft her throne of hatred as she casts her beady gaze on the teary eyed f**ktards.
After much snotting and bubbling, whore brained scouse oxygen thief Jade is deemed unworthy to be Paris' friend and is escorted from the building in a puddle of makeup, piss and tears.
So much drama, so much tension and that was only episode one. Fortunately for me, episode one is where my viewing pleasure ends. I would rather be locked in Joseph Fritzel's basement for 37 years with nothing for entertainment other than a rusty shit stained knife and a dead cat, than to watch another second. In all of my TV viewing years I have never wished more for a nuclear attack to kill off a room of cretinous thick brained media sluts.
I myself have a few ideas I would like to pitch to Paris for future TV exploits.
Paris Hilton's Auschwitz Adventure
The show is comprised of Paris visiting the family of Holocaust sufferers. At regular intervals Paris patronises the family members by saying inappropriate things like "bitchin'" and "cool".
When seeing an photo of several victims of Auschwitz , Paris pipes up " Wow, they look so thin - that's way sexy"
The show climaxes in Paris taking part in a concentration camp reinactment, Paris is wearing a sexy tight pink t-shirt with the slogan 'Genocide is awesome'
She is then hosed with shit.
Prison Hilton
Paris takes part in a six month social experiment where she lives with the inmates of an all male Russian prison. Paris has to take part in daily 'wacky' challenges to earn food and secure the survival of the inmates, for each trial Paris fails, one inmate is beaten senseless by the prison guards and thrown to the prisoners to bash any remaining life out of the poor soul. Paris must join in with all of the prison routines, including the daily ritual where the most feminine prisoner is bundled into the showers and brutally power raped - Paris enjoys this routine most of all, we can tell this because of her haunting giggle. At the end of the six months, Paris is to release a concept based pop album chronicling her time 'inside'
Yes, No. Paris?
Paris Hilton is sent to famine torn Malawi. Paris is the judge on a brand new x-factor style show, she is joined on the panel by Simon Cowell and Michael Winner. Each week forty contestants must battle it out to become the Malawi Idol. The most talented of the blighters is flown off in a private jet to a five star Hilton hotel where he/she is wined and dined and schmoozed by the stars. After the dream weekend the Malawi Idol is adopted by either Angelina Jolie or Madonna. The thirty nine losing contestants do not go away empty handed however, they do return hungry to impending death, but on the bright side they go away with a signed copy of Paris Hilton's autobiography: Confessions of an Heiress.
So it's not all doom and gloom.