008

JAMES BOND IS SPEAKING TO M.

JAMES
I slunk in steathily wearing my Saville Row Dinner Jacket and ordered a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. It was at that point I realised my cover was blown.

M
Is that when they asked you to leave the Mosque?

JAMES
No it was when I asked the Iman's daughter if her surname was Cock.

M
Why did you do that 007?

JAMES
Her first name was Fadime, geddit sounds like Feed me Cock.

M
You're really not getting this whole war on terror are you 007? This is worse than when you turned up at the Tamil protest dressed as a tiger.

JAMES
But M it's all so diferent. Back in my day when we fighting Blofeld all a spy needed was a dirty joke, a raised eyebrow and a drink problem.

M
Well those days are gone 007, you're going to be working with one of out new aprentice 00 Agents. Meet 008 Sanjay Ahmed.

SANJAY
Watcha James I love your movies, my nan said you were much hotter when Pierse Brosnan played you.

JAMES
Oh dear.

M
Can you come in Q.

Q COMES IN.

Q
Now careful 007 this device is hot stuff.

JAMES
I say Q what is this big metallic cylinder? A Leika decoder, a jet pack are OO agents finally getting the bomb?

SANJAY
No you divvy it's my lunch.

Q
The Tiffin box breaks up into 3 dishes. Nan in the top, spicy chickpeas in the middle and yoghurt in the bottom to counteract the chillis in the middle.

SANJAY
Excelent it's got a license to chill.

Like the idea of Bond in the war against terror, but despite a couple of good lines the sketch does not come together for me, and the ending is kind of weak.

God that punch is awful I'm almost ashamed of it.

It's more of an attempt to do a buddy Bond series of sketch, but as an intro it is a bit clunky.

I think I'll edit it rather than kill it.

[quote name="sootyj" post="417509" date="May 23 2009, 10:14 AM BST"]JAMES BOND IS SPEAKING TO M.

JAMES
I observed the locale camoflauged in my Saville Row Dinner Jacket and ordered a vodka martini; shaken not stirred of course.

M
Is that when they asked you to leave the Mosque?

JAMES
No it was when I said Shalom to the Iman, I thought that's what Muslim's said.

M
You're really not getting this whole war on terror are you 007? This is worse than when you turned up at the Tamil protest dressed as a tiger.

JAMES
Back in my day when we were fighting Blofeld all a spy needed was a dirty joke, a raised eyebrow a drink problem and a couple of dirty jokes.

M
Well those days are gone 007. You're going to be working with one of out new aprentice 00 Agents. Meet 008 Sanjay Ahmed.

SANJAY
Watcha James I love your movies, my nan said you were much hotter when Pierse Brosnan played you.

JAMES
Oh dear.

M
Can you come in Q.

Q COMES IN.

Q
Now careful 007 this device is hot stuff.

JAMES
I say Q what is this big metallic cylinder? A Leika decoder, a jet pack are OO agents finally getting the bomb?

SANJAY
No you divvy it's my lunch, I love tiffin boxes.

I really liked the premise and the introduction of 008 as Sanjay. I'd lose the whole tiffin box / lunch gag.

If it had been me, I think I would have done the 008 introduction as follows -

M:
I'd like you to meet 008...

A YOUNG ASIAN MALE ENTERS THE ROOM.

008:
Wotcha James...

JAMES:
M, get down!

BOND PUSHES M OVER HER DESK AND GRABS 008 IN A JUDO HOLD.

JAMES:
Nice try Osama, but you've been ji-had.

M:
No James, that's Sanjay Ahmed, etc.

Aah now that feels neat I like it.

The tiffin gag is a bit of a duffer, ever got hold of a joke that just doesn't work?

Quote: sootyj @ May 23 2009, 10:46 AM BST

God that punch is awful I'm almost ashamed of it.

It's more of an attempt to do a buddy Bond series of sketch, but as an intro it is a bit clunky.

I think I'll edit it rather than kill it.

[quote name="sootyj" post="417509" date="May 23 2009, 10:14 AM BST"]JAMES BOND IS SPEAKING TO M.

JAMES
I observed the locale camoflauged in my Saville Row Dinner Jacket and ordered a vodka martini; shaken not stirred of course.

M
Is that when they asked you to leave the Mosque?

JAMES
No it was when I said Shalom to the Iman, I thought that's what Muslim's said.

M
You're really not getting this whole war on terror are you 007? This is worse than when you turned up at the Tamil protest dressed as a tiger.

JAMES
Back in my day when we were fighting Blofeld all a spy needed was a dirty joke, a raised eyebrow a drink problem and a couple of dirty jokes.

M
Well those days are gone 007. You're going to be working with one of out new aprentice 00 Agents.

SANJAY ENTER'S THE OFFICE.

JAMES
Oh my God it's a suicide bomber! I'm to louche to die out of my way M.

SOUND OF STRUGGLE.

M
007 will you stop trying to hide under my desk, this is your apprentice 008 Sanjay Patel.

SANJAY
Whatcha' Bond my nan fancied you in Octopussy.

View original

This gets better the more attempts you have!

I like the idea of the 'buddy' sketches. Maybe they'd work better teaming him up with half an 'already successful' double-act, to 'appeal to younger audiences'. Then we could have Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, Robert Webb, etc. It could get more inappropriate the further you go. (Even using one of Rosemary & Thyme!)

Dan

What does that emoticon mean? It always look to Sootyj like
"I farted son hard I had a stroke."