Here's my submission. Having read a few others on here it seems that there was a fair bit of similarity to some of the questions, which surprised me a bit.
WHAT DOES YOUR CAR SAY ABOUT YOU?
I drive a BMW for crissakes. It's obvious I'm important. Of course I'm incredibly busy. People see the BM and understand I haven't got time to let them in at a junction. Or need to undertake them on the M1…. You know?
Look. If the government really didn't want me to drop the kids off in the Range Rover then they wouldn't have allowed me to choose to send them to school eight miles away. The one three doors down had the same OFSTED rating but I didn't like the look of the headmistress. So whose fault is it?
I've got an Alfa Romeo so…. Yeah. When they see me… I think women know they're in for a good time.
I drive a Porsche 911. That's all people wanna know, you know. They're not interested if it's a 930 or a 964. Not interested. Could be a 993 or a 997. It's a Porsche. All they want to know….. It's a 997.
I drive an old scout minibus so… well I've got nine kids. I think people look at me and think… careless. Or mad… Virile.
I drive a hybrid. I think people think I'm a winging lefty. But I'm not. It's actually a very good car. Expensive, but good. Apart from the economy.
I sold my car. Thought I'd make a statement that way. Go everywhere on public transport. I think people think of me as…. Well... Late, generally.
WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR PARTNER?
We were childhood sweethearts. Then my family moved, my father was big in the gas board. We moved around a lot. Julie and I didn't see each other for twenty seven years. Until the night I arrested her for soliciting.
I'd just moved and got a new GP. As soon as I walked into his surgery his deep blue eyes beckoned me closer and his perfect jaw line turned my knees to jelly. I was already falling in love… and that was before I realised he'd warmed up the speculum.
We met at a school disco in 1983. Of course, we had to keep our relationship secret for the first few years; it was a very strict school. And the pupils weren't supposed to date the teachers.
Where did I meet my wife? Which one?
We'd both entered a bullock in the rare breeds category. She 'ad a magnificent White Park and me, a near perfect Old Gloucester. It was love at first sight across the competitor's enclosure. I came first. I've been coming second ever since mind.
She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. When I met her…. Not really.
We met at the station during the war when I removed a piece of grit from her eye. We fell in love very quickly but were both married and knew any relationship was doomed to fail…. O no. Wait. That was Brief Encounter.
When you meet the right person, you just know. You know? Andy and I met when he started working at the same place I was. Course, he was on a fast track management training scheme and I was on the shop floor. But the first time I saw him I knew. We were married eighteen months later. After two years we moved house. Next to Brian. And the first time he introduced himself over the garden fence…. I knew. We were together for nearly ten years. When you meet the right person, you know. You know... I'm… currently single.
At an office Christmas party. I was trying to photocopy my bum, you know, for a laugh, and he sidled up beside me and pressed the 'reduce' button. Didn't say a word. Just pressed the 'reduce' button. I thought that was so sensitive.
We met at school. It was a very strict school and any sort of relationship was frowned upon. One day we were caught in flagrante by the headmistress. We were forced to be apart for almost ten years. But by the time I was let out of prison, all the fuss had died down and she was over 16 so…. Happy days.
I met Flora when I was stationed outside her village during the war. We married soon after and were together for over fifty years. And now I'm with Tracy. We've been married for almost eight years now. She was the barmaid at the Red Lion. We got together about the time I won the lottery. Between you and me, I know she's only after the money but I 'aven't any other family. And she's really 'avin' to work for it.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO EAT?
I'll eat anything me. As long as it's smothered in ketchup. Except a saveloy. I'm not partial to a saveloy.
I don't like all that ponsey foreign muck. All that la di da petits pois. Haricots verts. what's that all about? On a bed of this or a juice of that?.... Give me a nice straightforward curry any day.
I don't eat curry me. It's not that I'm a racialist. I'm not. But it goes through me faster than you can kick a shaved cat through an open window.
Bacon…. I've been a vegetarian for twenty seven years…. But I still eat bacon.
I'm partial to a nice fish and chip supper. With curry sauce mind. Not mushy peas. I ask ya, what's the point of mushy peas?
I love a Milky Lunch. Remember them? Ooo a Milky Lunch.
My husband makes a lovely creamy dauphinoise potato. With a gruyere topping. Delicious. And perhaps a roasted quail wrapped in bacon with a port reduction. And gently roasted butternut squash. Perfect…. Or a kebab. I do like a donner kebab.
Meat and carbs… I'm on the Atkins…. Why me breathe's a bit off.
Tapioca. Or any of your rice based puddings. Give me something stodgy. I like a bit of stodge.
One does enjoy swan. From time to time. Don't tell the wife.
I'm not keen on caviar. It's supposed to be posh right? Well I had some once. Disgusting. It tasted just like… Like… Am I allowed to say s[cut]
Anything cooked in an AGA darling. (snorts like a pig)
