RADIO SKETCH (YEAH, LIKE IT'LL EVER BE BROADCAST)
JIM:
Welcome listeners to the inaugural World Exuberance Championships. I'm Jim Finlay and I'll be reporting on the action with David Wellyn. Good day David.
DAVID:
Jim.
JIM:
To give the listeners some background David. Entrants have two minutes to express their exuberance be it vocal, physical or a combination of both.
DAVID:
Yes Jim, the judges and crowd want high octane entertainment.
JIM:
And here's our first contestant. Representing the UK, Basil Thorogood, a livestock auctioneer from Wincanton. Basil's something of an unknown quantity.
DAVID:
Well Jim, he's started rather predictably with his auctioneer's cant. It might impress dealing farmers back in Somerset but it's doing nothing here.
JIM:
A slight animation of his left arm there David brings the first ripple of applause from the crowd.
DAVID:
He's upped the ante, he's doing a double armed windmill. The judges are conferring.
JIM:
He's broke into a yodel David, the crowd are really getting behind this lyrical machine now but he's spoiled it, he's veered off into gibberish, the crowd are booing. That tongue of his is out of control and it's flapping about like a..
DAVID:
Like a bit of tape stuck in a bicycle spoke Jim?
JIM:
David, you've got me all dewey eyed, good analogy.
DAVID:
It should get him some moonlighting as an oral porn star, if nothing else.
JIM:
And this is astounding, he's ascending skywards as are certain sections of the crowd, what's going on?
DAVID:
I think he was speaking in tongues. The only explanation I can give is that rapture has occurred.
JIM:
Well, who'd have thought it. The inaugural world exuberance championships has coincided with the second coming of Christ.
DAVID:
It's a major coup for the organisers though Jim.
JIM:
Maybe but Basil has been disqualified although with his obvious talents he could be a big noise on the celestial cunnilingus circuit. (PAUSE) David, you pagan, the arrival of the anti Christ is imminent. Any thoughts on who he might be?
DAVID:
Is Ted Rogers still alive Jim?
JIM:
Good call David, he always struck me as a tyrannical despot and with his heinous sidekick Dusty Bin enforcing demonic law it could leave a sour taste in the mouth.
DAVID:
I might move to The Isle Of Man Jim, I can't see the repugnant Satanic hordes getting worked up about there.
JIM:
Anyway, back to the action. Our second and final contestant is Peter Piper, representing Ireland. Peter is a breadwinner from Kildare. What do we know about him David?
DAVID:
He's male and he's a human Jim.
JIM:
Sublime observation. He's brought a pillow on and he's having what appears to be a kip.
DAVID:
He's not endearing himself to the judges with his low key approach.
JIM:
We're rapidly approaching the end but would you believe it he's gone and topped himself and the crowd and judges are going bonkers.
DAVID:
Exceptional Jim, timed to perfection. With Basil out of the running it's a posthumous first for Peter and I'm sure he'll be rejoicing in the pits of hell as we speak.
JIM:
He will be but on his own I'm afraid as the abominable legion of the damned make their entrance.. Aaargh! David, help.. please.
DAVID:
The name's not David it's Ted.. and you're now listening to Radio Hades FM.. Muhahahaha!