Q IS IN HIS TOP SECRET LABORATORY WITH JAMES BOND
Q:
Here's something you may find useful Bond.
Bond:
Looks like a standard issue Walther PPK pistol.
Q:
Do pay attention Bond. On first inspection it does look like a pistol, but watch closely.(Q takes two sheets of paper and the gun folds over to staple them together)
Bond:
Its a stapler!
Q:
Not just any stapler bond, this can do up to 50 sheets at a range of 20 yards.
Bond:
Impressive!
Q:
(Holds up a grenade) Wait till you've seen this one. Just twist the pin & hey presto (a Pen pops out of the top) It's a Parker fountain pen & paperweight.
(BOND TOSSES THE GRENADE NONCHALANTLY IN THE AIR)
Q: (CONT)
Careful with that Bond It's not a toy. You could get Ink everywhere.
Bond:
This is all very interesting but where's the lighter with the poisoned darts, or the watch with a magnet for unzipping dresses. You know, the good stuff.
Q:
You won't need anything like that where you're going Bond.
Bond:
You don't mean..
Q:
I'm afraid so, It's about time you did some admin James old chum
Bond:
But Q..
Q:
Look Bond, you've had several high profile dangerous, slightly Implausable missions and the paperwork doesn't just write itself you know..
Bond:
But there's probably a villain with a scar in an underground volcano that I need to deal with, I can't be stuck in an office.
Q:
The secret service isn't all about Dangerous missions & super villains you know Bond.
Bond:
Don't forget the Women, I get plenty of those as well.
Q:
Yes well that's the problem, M thinks you're becoming a bit of a sex nuisance. MoneyPennys had to go to HR five times this week because of your harrassment.
Bond:
I just have a weakness for beautiful women.
Q:
For all you know the back office may be full of beautiful women
Bond:
And is it?
Q:
As you've quite obviously never been there then I'll say yes.
Bond:
Please Q, Don't make me go there, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing.
Q:
Not my decision James. This has come from the very top, they are getting fed up with your methods.
Bond:
I can stop all the womanising, as long as I don't have to sit at a desk all day.
Q:
It's not just that, they think you're becoming a liability, every time you're on a secret undercover mission you keep telling everyone your real name in a really smug fashion, and you always kill the villains before we get a chance to prosecute them.
Bond:
I can change my ways, I can be more modern & less entertaining if that's what it takes.
Q:
(SIGHS ) If things get too difficult you may want to use this. (HANDS BOND A CHAIN NECKLACE)
Bond:
What does it do? (PUTS THE CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK)
Q:
It's a voice changer, very handy for people who want to phone in sick.
Bond: (croaky pathetic voice)
Thanks Q, I owe you one.
Q: (Shaking his head)
Go away before I change my mind, and do behave yourself.
BOND LEAVES AND WE HEAR A SCREAM & A SLAP
AND MONEYPENNY ENTERS LOOKING DISHEVELLED
Q:
Ah MoneyPenny, just the person I wanted to see. Now this may look like a normal rape alarm….
