Thought I'd get my rejects in before everyone else 
======================================
What's the best meal you ever had?
======================================
I once had this pizza that I ordered for delivery from this new place Pizza Palace. I wasn't expecting much but two men dressed as 17th Century French aristocrats brought the pizza to me in a lavish horse-drawn carriage and presented it on a velvet cushion. The garlic bread was in an elaborate golden chest. They'd gone bust by the next time we ordered.
(POSH)
I once had this ludicrously exotic dish. The likes of which I've never seen or heard of since. The chef made the bread almost burnt on *both* sides, and brazenly lay two pieces next to each other on a plate. One of those that haven't even been decorated! Then, he lay these tiny legumes over it, in some bizarre sticky, orange jus. It was quite delightful. None of my friends had ever heard of such tomfoolery! Ahaha! (SNORT LAUGH)
(COMMON)
The all-time best one was a KFC last week. Deluxe Boneless Box. 14-piece, not the cheap 10-piece nonsense. It were mint.
(POSH)
Fido. No! Rex! (PAUSE) No! Fido! No! Definitely Rex. Such a lovely puppy, bounding around rubbing up against your legs. He'd run to Daddy and Daddy would ruffle his fur just where he liked it behind the ears. Then grab him by the scruff of the neck, pick him up and slit his throat. We had him in a pie with mash and peas. That was definitely the best meal ever.
Every night is the best meal ever. I drench all food in ketchup, so in essence everything just tastes of tomatos. A benefit is that I can just buy all that 'Value' crap and hardly spend anything on food. It's a good way to get kids to eat veg, I find. Cheap veg, anyway.
(ROUGH)
My mum's Sunday roast. Every Sunday. You got a problem with that?
I haven't really tasted anything since I got a lighter wedged up my nose back in 1967. It took the best part of twenty years to stop the faint essence of lighter fluid every time I swallowed. Obviously, I couldn't eat chilli in that time or I would have blown my own head off (SNORTS)
(CHILDISH)
I made a full-size marzipan snowman when I was younger. Even the carrot was made out of marzipan. I ate the whole thing in two days. I was *so* sick...
(SWOLLEN TONGUE) (BOYS CHEERING IN BACKGROUND.) Chilli Phall Kebab Diablo! Mith the hottest ingredienth it's pothible to mith and eat ath fast as pothible. The kebab thop owner didn't want to make it. Thaid it was 1000% illegal or thomething but the boyth convinced me to have it. It was tho hot. I can't feel my tongue. Doctor thayth the feeling will never come back.
I once ate a whole car. Everything. Every little nut and bolt and screw. Everyone thinks that's the most impressive bit when somebody claims that but, let me tell you, a whole bonnet in one? That's the toughest pill to swallow.
=================================
Do you watch sport?
=================================
(POSH)
Well, I do watch badger-baiting. Let me ask you: just because something is considered cruel, does that stop it being a sport? Well? Does it?
(FOOTBALL MATCH)
The other accountants and I regularly go to the football. SEND HIM OFF, REF! It's quite a pleasant experience. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU IDIOT! It harmoniously brings together the middle- and working-classes. I'M GONNA COME ROUND YOUR HOUSE AND RIP YOUR LEGS OFF, SONNY JIM! (BEAT) Marvellous!
I'm afraid I only watch cricket. So no, no interest in any sport whatsoever.
I cheese-roll. Professionally. You need hills though. The Suffolk events usually take so long, the cheese goes off and we all come back smelling of sick.
(POSH)
It's rather excellent really. The thud of willow on leather. There's not a better feeling that seeing it fly clean out of the field over the heads of the other participants. I got over a hundred the other day. I was extremely, extremely pleased with myself. I tell you, it's a real shame they criminalised cow-battering...
(LECHEROUS)
I always make time for the ladies' tennis. Short skirts. Sweaty. Grunting. Reminds me of boarding school.
My only interest is in the extreme sports like bungee-jumping. I actually got into it by accident. I was running away from the institution and my rubber pants snagged on the barbed wire fence. Got as far as 20 yards into freedom when I was snapped right back into the grounds.
I take an interest in 'Match of the Day' but only because I write Gary Lineker's humourous links between the games.
I used to watch that 'Chess' before it started getting really popular. I couldn't face going any more after they started letting any old scum in. The jeering; the abusive language; it's beneath contempt. How can they expect support when they're like that to the fans?!
Yachting's fantastic, isn't it? The clean, sea air. Fresh in the lungs. Being miles from land makes your life richer. That and throwing your business partner overboard.
END