Murder...

Another offering, please tell me what you think.

HOME OFFICE/STUDY INT DAY

SAM AND JOE ENTER THE STUDY, TWO DEAD BODIES LIE ON THE FLOOR ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE, ONLY THE LEGS VISIBLE. IT LOOKS LIKE THERE HAS BEEN A COMMOTION A GUN LIES ON THE FLOOR. JOE IS DRESSED IN A SUIT WITH A RAINCOAT AND A FEDORA, LOOKING LIKE A 50'S DETECTIVE.

JOE:
Looks like a straight forward case of jealous husband goes crazy and bang bang this couples fling is over.

SAM:
Joe I'm not sure/CUTS IN:

JOE:
That's Guv to you, and don't you forget it.

SAM:
Sorry Guv it's just/ CUTS IN:

JOE:
Looks like the shooter was here.

JOE STANDS BEHIND THE DESK AND MAKES TWO SHOOTING ACTIONS

SAM:
Guv../ CUTS IN:

JOE PICKING UP THE GUN WITH A PENCIL AND LOOKING OVER IT>

JOE:
The chambers empty, looks like he fired at her first then emptied the rest into him.

SAM:
(SHOUTING) GUV..

JOE:
What is it Sam, Christ I'm trying to work a crime scene here.

SAM:
Well first off you're not a detective, you're an estate agent and secondly this is your house.

JOE FALLS TO THE FLOOR SOBBING

JOE:
I've done something terrible...

END

That is really good nicely controlled and a killer punch

Brilliant pedros.

Thanks Chaps, really pleased with the positive feedback on this.

Great sketch, Pedros! Just one hair to split:

SAM:
Joe I'm not sure/CUTS IN:

JOE:
That's Guv to you, and don't you forget it.

This (or similar) is what's usually used and is easier to read.:

SAM:
Joe I'm not sure---

JOE:
(INTERRUPTS) That's Guv to you, and don't you forget it.

But no one's going to turn it down because of that!

Quote: Morrace @ May 12 2009, 12:33 PM BST

Great sketch, Pedros! Just one hair to split:

SAM:
Joe I'm not sure/CUTS IN:

JOE:
That's Guv to you, and don't you forget it.

This (or similar) is what's usually used and is easier to read.:

SAM:
Joe I'm not sure---

JOE:
(INTERRUPTS) That's Guv to you, and don't you forget it.

But no one's going to turn it down because of that!

View original

Thanks Morrace I wasn't sure of the correct format. I'll change my original.

Liked this one a lot, keep it up.

Same here, liked it. Good stuff.

Like it. The punch came a real surprise.