My Claimable Things Song

To the tune of MY FAVOURITE THINGS from MARY POPPINS

A FEW MPs ARE SINGING

MP 1:
When you're an MP you can claim expenses
(MP 2: Like getting a man in to paint all your fences)
Mineral water from volcanic springs
These are just some of the claimable things

MP 2:
Agas and bread bins and cat food and cookies
Lawnmowers, drill bits and trips to the bookies
Gimp suits to tie up my partner with strings
These are a few of my claimable things

MP 3:
Loo seats with fluff-on to keep warm my botty
(MP 4: And-when you were drunk an emergency potty)
Hangers and sponges and salts for the bath
That Jimmy Carr DVD was quite a laugh

MP 4:
The credit crunch
Can't afford lunch
And I'm feeling sad
I put a rump steak on my claimable things
And then I don't feel so bad.

MP 1:
And all these claims have be-come a big issue
(MP 2: Jacqui Smith's husband claimed for eight-ply tissues)
(MP 3: I heard they claimed for a massive cock ring)
Well I've got one and it makes my wife sing!

MP 2:
Houses and champagne and tonnes of weed killer
Plaster and rawl plugs and smooth polyfiller
I've got a Monet that needs a new frame
(MP 3: So get out the rulebook and make a new claim!

MP 3:
Cleaning expenses to Gordon Brown's brother
The taxpayer paid for this and all the other
Expenses that we claimed for e-ver-y day
Now the truth's out - shit we might have to pay

MP 4:
When the mob shouts
For our sacking
Makes us feel quite poor
But then we remember we're in Parliament
(ALL: So we can make up the law)

This is super, Rob0. Only complaint is it's probably a bit long and you could lose a couple of the less good verses to make it punchier.

Class as always RobO

Quote: Griff @ May 11 2009, 7:23 AM BST

Great idea for a song, nicely done.

NB not that it matters but 'My Favourite Things' is from the other Julie Andrews musical.

View original

Oops! Had the von Trapps in my head, just got mixed up with the names. Cheers.

Thanks muchly for the comments. Sure there's enough actual expenses to fill many more verses.

Know what you mean, Badge, always feels to me that the change in tone should always happen after the second rather than third verse.

Robo - another fine piece.

And you're good at the songs Rob0

Hi Rob

This is superb. Brilliant idea and would probably be a crime if they didn't accept this on stage (see what I did there )

Only point I'd make here is that the first few verses are really just lists of things, and don't actually 'tell a story' (yawn). What I think might work is get rid of the 'potty' verse, move the 'big issue/tissue' verse to there, and then slot a verse about doing your house up and selling it for a fat profit into the resulting gap.

And I can't believe you've not used some reference to Hazel Blears. 'Chunky Kit-Kats from hotel minibars' would make a great line

Well done again

Dan

Excellent.

This is very good. You're quite the wiz at these, Rob.

Quote: swerytd @ May 12 2009, 9:13 AM BST

Hi Rob

This is superb. Brilliant idea and would probably be a crime if they didn't accept this on stage (see what I did there )

Only point I'd make here is that the first few verses are really just lists of things, and don't actually 'tell a story' (yawn). What I think might work is get rid of the 'potty' verse, move the 'big issue/tissue' verse to there, and then slot a verse about doing your house up and selling it for a fat profit into the resulting gap.

And I can't believe you've not used some reference to Hazel Blears. 'Chunky Kit-Kats from hotel minibars' would make a great line

Well done again

Dan

View original

Ta - Sound advice too. Not much writing time lately so rushed it a bit with the Telegraph's A-Z expenses guide hence some listing of mundane things. But think your ideas lead to a better "proper gag" balance which should keep the pace and laughs ticking over. Need to remember it should be almost sketch-like in the storytelling

Actually hadn't seen Hazel's kit-kat story - that is impressive levels of claiming. May just do a rewrite - want to include a "sack-of-horseshit" line in somehow as that emerged after I'd written it.

Thanks again

No probs. Agree about the 'sack of horseshit' needing to be in it. ('Big bag of shit from a horse's arse' might rhyme with the kitkats/minibars line )

Post the rewrite cos I'd love to see it.

Dan