Mystic
[A couple enter a mystics tent. The mystic is sat opposite moving her hands over a crystal ball. She speaks in an over dramatic way]
Wife:
Madame Pomfrey, we'd like you to do a reading for our unborn child.
Pomfrey:
Hmmmmmm! Whoa whoa whoa when……when……..is the baby due?
Husband:
Early March.
Pomfrey:
Early March you say
Pomfrey:
Beware the Ides of March.
Husband:
Oh dear.
Pomfrey:
No no! 'Tis a goodly omen. It means a baby born at this time will be strong! I see a tall dark haired strong young man. A leader of men!
Woman:
That's good isn't it Gerald.
Husband:
Excellent.
Pomfrey:
I'm seeing a great intellect. Mercury will be in retrograde and Mars will be moving this way.
[Makes big circles with her arms]
Woman:
See I told you this was a good idea.
Pomfrey:
Your child will be on the cusp…the cusp of Aries and Aquarius.
Husband:
Is that good as well?
Pomfrey:
[Standing and grabbing crystal ball]
YES! YES! YE…..
[In ordinary voice sitting]
Well no actually. This kid is gonna be butt ugly. I mean face like a f**king train wreck. Teeth going one way eyes going another and he'll be as bald as a f**king coot. If it was an animal they'd shoot it. That'll be five pounds please.
Wife:
Are you sure?
Pomfrey:
Dead. Now give us the money and f**k off.
[They pay the money, stand and walk out together]
Husband:
That was a bit of a shock.
Woman:
Yes, well it could have been worse.
Husband:
Really? I suppose so. He will be highly intelligent and a leader of men.
Woman:
Never mind about that. He could have been ginger.
