Magazine.

AN ORDINARY NEWSAGENTS A VERY SEEDY GRUBBY MAN WALKS IN.

MAN
Have you got my topshelf fetish magazine?

SHOPKEEP
You dirty man, you shame my shop! In my country we'd burn you with a tyre round your neck!

MAN
Have you got my magazine?

SHOPKEEP
In my village we had man like you we chopped his cock off and beat him with it!

MAN
The magazine have you got it or I'm off to WHSmiths.

SHOPKEEP
It is there you swine pay in advance. May your grave be in unconsecrated ground, for a lepers latrine.

MAN PAYS A PILE OF MONEY.
HE STRETCHES ALL THE WAY UPTO THE TOP SHELF AND READS A MAGAZINE.
A NUN COMES IN SEES THE MAN AND SCREAMS.
A MOTHER WITH A PRAM COMES IN, SHE THROWS A COPY OF THE DAILY MAIL OVER HER BABY

CLOSE IN ON THE MAGAZINE THE MAN IS READING IT'S CALLED.

"People can see your hairy arse cleavage monthly."

Nice idea. I think it could be written better though, to be honest. Maybe the mag should just be called 'Hairy Arse Cleavage Monthly'.

Also, wouldn't he have to be searching for it to start with, in order for the shopkeeper to get offended by it? Bit of logic missing there.

Also 2, I may be reading between the lines ('... in my country...') but if that's the case would he use 'you swine' as pigs are holy in some cultures, are they not?

The nun and the pram/Daily Mail bits are very funny.

Dan

Perhaps if he was a builder? The 'seedy, grubby man' made me think of someone wearing a long coat.

Pretty good though. It also had me thinking of someone putting coins down the back of his jeans (50p slot) for some strange reason.

I should be clearer he's a Serbian Russian Orthodox refugee from the civil war. Maybe I'll put a holy relic on the wall.

I think the whole joke is he doesn't want the magazine merely to exhibit his hairy arse cleavage. Do you think people will get that?

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ May 8 2009, 9:21 AM BST

Perhaps if he was a builder? The 'seedy, grubby man' made me think of someone wearing a long coat.

Pretty good though. It also had me thinking of someone putting coins down the back of his jeans (50p slot) for some strange reason.

View original

Now that is a very good point!

I will edit and credit.

Quote: sootyj @ May 8 2009, 9:06 AM BST

AN ORDINARY NEWSAGENTS A VERY SEEDY GRUBBY MAN WALKS IN HE HAS VERY LOW SLUNG DIRTY JEANS AND A TSHIRT THAT SHOWS HIS HAIRY POT BELLY.
THE SHOP HAS SEVERAL RUSSIAN ORTHODOX ICONS ON THE WALL AND A POSTER IN SERBIAN.

MAN
Have you got my topshelf fetish magazine?

SHOPKEEP
You dirty man, you shame my shop! In my country we'd ethnically cleanse you.
MAN
Have you got my magazine?

SHOPKEEP
In my village we had man like you we chopped his cock off and beat him with it!

MAN
The magazine have you got it or I'm off to WHSmiths.

SHOPKEEP
It is there you swine pay in advance. May your grave be in unconsecrated ground, for a lepers latrine.

MAN PAYS A PILE OF MONEY.
HE STRETCHES ALL THE WAY UPTO THE TOP SHELF AND READS A MAGAZINE.
EXPOSING HIS HAIRY ARSE CLEAVAGE.
A NUN COMES IN SEES THE MAN AND SCREAMS.
A MOTHER WITH A PRAM COMES IN, SHE THROWS A COPY OF THE DAILY MAIL OVER HER BABY

CLOSE IN ON THE MAGAZINE THE MAN IS READING IT'S CALLED.

Hairy arse cleavage monthly."

View original

Cracking dialogue in search of a decent punchline. Throwing the Daily Mail over the baby is a beautiful move. I'd have it end on that. Reveal the magazine first then have the woman walk in and be horrified. It's still missing something though, isn't it? Hmmmm...

Off to the garrage with this one!

The punchline I am failing with is he doesn't want a magazine.

Merely the opportunity to show women his hairy arse cleavage.

Quote: sootyj @ May 8 2009, 1:22 PM BST

Off to the garrage with this one!

The punchline I am failing with is he doesn't want a magazine.

Merely the opportunity to show women his hairy arse cleavage.

View original

Wouldn't it be simpler if he was bending over to pick up a magazine from the bottom shelf then?

Aah now that is a fantabulous suggestion!

No wander you're a script writer and stuff I shall edit and credit.

Did you like this fine comedic work?

I liked the dialogue. The logic as you said is a bit confused maybe.

I think in reference to your own good self... you should call the magazine, CRACKING WISE

Or his magazine is of gang rapes, but upon reaching for the mag, he drops it, and everyone's offended by him behing over, showing his hair arse clevage.

Quote: sootyj @ May 8 2009, 9:06 AM BST

AN ORDINARY NEWSAGENTS A VERY SEEDY GRUBBY MAN WALKS IN. THE WALLS ARE COVERED IN GREEK ORTHODOX ICONS AND POSTERS IN SERBIAN

MAN
Have you got my topshelf fetish magazine?

SHOPKEEP
You dirty man, you shame my shop! In my country we'd burn you with a tyre round your neck!

MAN
Have you got my magazine?

SHOPKEEP
In my village we had man like you we chopped his cock off and beat him with it!

MAN
The magazine have you got it or I'm off to WHSmiths.

SHOPKEEP
It is there you swine pay in advance. May your grave be in unconsecrated ground, for a lepers latrine.

MAN PAYS A PILE OF MONEY.
HE STRETCHES ALL THE WAY UPTO THE TOP SHELF AND READS A MAGAZINE. THEN PUTS IT ON THE FLOOR OPENS IT AND READS WITH HIS HAIRY ARSE CLEAVAGE FACING THE DOOR.
A NUN COMES IN SEES THE MAN AND SCREAMS.
A MOTHER WITH A PRAM COMES IN, SHE THROWS A COPY OF THE DAILY MAIL OVER HER BABY

CLOSE IN ON THE MAGAZINE THE MAN IS READING IT'S CALLED.

"You crack me up, the magazine for men who love showing their hairy arse cleavage."

View original

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ May 8 2009, 1:28 PM BST

Or his magazine is of gang rapes, but upon reaching for the mag, he drops it, and everyone's offended by him behing over, showing his hair arse clevage.

View original

And I thought I was dark!

I'm saving that for a farce with a cannibal sketch.