EXT. BATTLEFIELD. DAY.
William Wallace is speaking to his troops before battle.
WALLACE:
Listen up. We're going to have a wee inspection, I hope you're not wearing anything you shouldn't. Get yer kilts up noo.
The men hold up their kilts and William inspects them one by one.
WALLACE:
Aye.. aye.. aye.. phew.. aye.. oh my.. aye.. hoots mon, what the hell's that?
VOICE:
It's a guinea fowl William.
WALLACE:
Is it deed?
VOICE:
It's deed, aye.
WALLACE:
And what's a deed guinea fowl doing attached to yer wadger?
VOICE:
I've nae balls William.
WALLACE:
What are ya doing in the front row if you've nae balls?
VOICE:
Nah, I'm not a coward, I've actually nae balls.
OTHER VOICES:
Neither have I William… nor me… me as well.
WALLACE:
What's on yer wadgers' then?
OTHER VOICES:
Quail… grouse… a haggis, well it's half a haggis noo, I'm starvin'. Do ya wanna wee bit?
WALLACE:
Nae, yer alreet. (PAUSE) Anyone else with nae balls?
FX SILENCE.
VOICE:
We're the McEunuch clan William.
WALLACE:
The mighty, infamous McEunuch clan, the nae balled warriors from Glencoo?
VOICES:
Aye.
WALLACE:
And why would the McEunuch clan, the nae balled warriors from Glencoo, need protection if they've nae balls to protect?
VOICE:
Och, it's not for protection, it's to slow us doon.
WALLACE:
It's to slow ya doon, is that so? Yer on the front row, about to charge the Sassenachs and ya want to be slowed doon?
VOICE:
Aye William, the extra weight of the deed game will make us equal with the normal balled men when we rush... we'll keep formation when the skirmish starts and there'll be no gaps in the ranks.
WALLACE:
Is that so? This is nothing short of miraculous. The mighty, infamous, clever, intelligent, field marshalls to a man, McEunuch clan, the nae balled warriors from Glencoo. (PAUSE) Perhaps I should go for a dump and let ya take over. Just the four of you then?
VOICE:
Aye… och and wee Jocky came with us too.
WALLACE:
Wee Jocky, where's wee Jocky?
A seven foot brick shithouse emerges from the throng.
WEE JOCKY:
I'm wee Jocky.
WALLACE:
And what's wee about you, wee Jocky?
Wee Jocky lifts up his kilt.
WEE JOCKY:
The McEunuch's, they're a funny bunch.
