EXT. DAY. HOUSE.
A man is about to drive off when he is confronted by his wife.
WIFE:
You're all dressed, where are you going?
MAN:
I just got wind of another funeral love, they're dropping like flies at the minute.
WIFE:
That's your fourth this week, are you having an affair?
MAN:
Who with? An undertaker. (PAUSE) Look, I'm running late, I'll have to go.
CUT TO:
Close up of man sitting in his car as he watches a funeral procession.
MAN:
Look at that cortege.. easily the best wreaths this week.. exquisitely macabre.. go on.. look at all of your horribly depressed faces.. that's it.. walk slow you gloomy bastards.. Oooh, I'm sick.. ha, ha..yes, yes.. pallbearer change, pallbearer change.. yes, come on.. yes, yes.. ahh! (PAUSE) Shit, I'll need to get these trousers dry cleaned.
Man lifts up newspaper and scans obituary column.
MAN:
Shit, there's one started two mile away. I might make it if I drive like a maniac.
CUT TO:
Man screeching to a halt at a church and graveyard. He exits quickly as a burial is taking place and crouches down behind a headstone.
MAN:
The lord's my shepherd, that's what we're talking about.. go on, go on.. I'll give you resurrection and the life you gits.. yes, yes.. that's it, start sobbing you grieving bastard.. ha, ha.. ashes to ahh! That was surprisingly quick.
Man gets up to leave when he glances across to see a couple having sex. The woman is his wife.
MAN:
Lisa! Why didn't you tell me you were in to this shit too, I forgive you.
WIFE:
I'm not you sick pervert, Dave's a gravedigger.
