Start of a sitcom - feedback wanted!

Hi all,

A few scenes from my latest sitcom. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

NB: EDITS have been made - I have now replaced porn gag and made some other minor changes.

Thanks,
Craig

This is ok, quite funny in places. A lot of un-necessary dialogue. I also think you need to sort out your script format. Use ScriptSmart, it's free. You might have used that already but when I write, all the words are over on the right hand side of the page thus leaving room for notes on the left hand side.

Dialogue is good between the two male characters at times, but you need to keep it realistic i.e. the whole porn thing. Would they really say this in a job interview?

On the whole, quite good, but needs a lot of polishing.

Quote: Mike Dan-Carter @ May 2 2009, 5:57 PM BST

This is ok, quite funny in places. A lot of un-necessary dialogue. I also think you need to sort out your script format. Use ScriptSmart, it's free. You might have used that already but when I write, all the words are over on the right hand side of the page thus leaving room for notes on the left hand side.

Dialogue is good between the two male characters at times, but you need to keep it realistic i.e. the whole porn thing. Would they really say this in a job interview?

On the whole, quite good, but needs a lot of polishing.

View original

Thanks Mike. Superfast feedback.

The porn thing was a last minute thing and was one of things I was looking for feedback on. Easily removed. The format changed when I exported to PDF, I do have space down the left .

I'm glad you like the dialogue. If it's not much trouble, could you specify the un-necessary dialogue please?

Cheers,
Craig

I like it! Thought the dialogue and characters were good and some funny bits in there (particularly liked the bungee jumping bit). Could do with a bit of tightening up as Mike said, but overall I really quite liked it. The only issue I can see really is that it doesn't go anywhere. What you've posted could be a stand-alone sketch because it doesn't really set anything up.

Hope that's useful

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ May 2 2009, 6:14 PM BST

I like it! Thought the dialogue and characters were good and some funny bits in there (particularly liked the bungee jumping bit). Could do with a bit of tightening up as Mike said, but overall I really quite liked it. The only issue I can see really is that it doesn't go anywhere. What you've posted could be a stand-alone sketch because it doesn't really set anything up.

Hope that's useful

View original

Hey Chris. Thanks for the feedback, very useful.

Glad you found the bungee jump part funny - wasn't sure if it would go over heads.

The next scene will really set the plot up (hopefully) - when Andrew comes in .

Liked it craig. Thought it was very good, nice dialogue, seemed to flow.

I personally think that you should lead up to the 'bungee' jump for the end of the scene (depending on where you take Emma in the sitcom, as only you know that) I think it would make it alot snappier. Also, after Emma has reveiled her mum has died, wouldn't there be a complete change in direction of heart of Michael and George?

i.e At the end, George would not say 'Look at her'...

Overall, I enjoyed it, and wanted to read on.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 2 2009, 6:44 PM BST

Liked it craig. Thought it was very good, nice dialogue, seemed to flow.

I personally think that you should lead up to the 'bungee' jump for the end of the scene (depending on where you take Emma in the sitcom, as only you know that) I think it would make it alot snappier. Also, after Emma has reveiled her mum has died, wouldn't there be a complete change in direction of heart of Michael and George?

i.e At the end, George would not say 'Look at her'...

Overall, I enjoyed it, and wanted to read on.

View original

Thanks Scott. Wanting to read on is the biggest compliment I could ask for.

With regards to changing tone/direction when Emma reveals her mum has died and that George wouldn't say 'Look at her' - that's his character. He says what he feels and means nothing by it. He's anything but cold - this will be more noticeable as the episode goes on.

I will have the next few scenes up soon.

It was funny 'ish in places but nothing really made me laugh as such. Humorous would describe it better.

Emma saying porn didn't work for me at all.

I'm left a little unsure to where it's going but intrigued just enough to want to know.

On a whole I found it ok, do believe that Michael and George could be pushed much more as they seem to have potential. I do like their characters

If this is the intended opening scene then I'd make damn sure it was something a wee bit special, at the moment I don't think it is.

I guess that's what getting feedback is all about.

Quote: random @ May 2 2009, 9:36 PM BST

It was funny 'ish in places but nothing really made me laugh as such. Humorous would describe it better.

Emma saying porn didn't work for me at all.

I'm left a little unsure to where it's going but intrigued just enough to want to know.

On a whole I found it ok, do believe that Michael and George could be pushed much more as they seem to have potential. I do like their characters

If this is the intended opening scene then I'd make damn sure it was something a wee bit special, at the moment I don't think it is.

I guess that's what getting feedback is all about.

View original

Thanks Jules.

I've already scrapped the porn part, it was added at the end and so easily removed. I was between that and something else, so, now going for the something else.

This will be the opening scene. I think it's pretty good, just needs minor tweaking. Shame you didn't laugh at much, I do try.

No worries.

As do we all

You probably visualise this different to me, that on it's own makes a big difference.