British Comedy Guide

UN SKETCH

I think this sketch would suit the radio best.

UN SKETCH

A DISABLED MAN, A HOMOSEXUAL AND A GYPSY HAVE ARRANGED A MEETING WITH THE HEAD OF THE UN. THEY ENTER HIS OFFICE.

HEAD OF UN:

What can I do for you gentlemen?

GYPSY:

Well it's a bit awkward really. You see the three of us feel a little hard done by.

HEAD OF UN:

(LOOKS THEM UP AND DOWN) Well I can see that but what does that have to do with me?

HOMOSEXUAL:

(WHISPERING INTO GYPSY'S EAR). Tell them about the Jews.

GYPSY:

Do you know the Jews?

HEAD OF UN:

Of course I know the Jews. Throughout history they tend to pop up from time to time.

GYPSY:

Well do you know World War 2?

HEAD OF UN:

(SARCASTIC) The war that resulted in the creation of the organisation that I am the head of. Yes, I think it rings a bell.

GYPSY:

Well after WW2, because the Jews were badly prosecuted by the Nazis, the allies gave them there own country. But other minorities were persecuted too and they stand before you today.

HEAD OF UN:

I don't like were this is going.

THE HOMOSEXUAL PUSHES THE GYPSY TO ONE SIDE.
HOMOSEXUAL:

Listen to me girlfriend. We are not leaving until we have got our own countries for our own peoples. (STAMPS FOOT)

HEAD OF UN:

You in the wheelchair, is this what you want too?

DISABLED MAN TYPES INTO HIS SPEECH MACHINE

DISABLED:

No-i-just-want-ed-to-be-left-at-home-so-i-could-die.

GYPSY:

(SHOUTING AT DISABLED MAN). Listen, we have to stick together if we want justice. And don't forget that Hilter used to push your people around.

DISABLED:

I-wish-some-one-would-push-me-a-round.

HEAD OF UN:

OK.OK. I suppose we can find a few scraps of land for you guys and we can always do with some more allies.

HOMOSEXUAL:

I'll need somewhere hot, hot, hot!

DISABLED:

And-I-will-need-some-whore (PAUSE) sor-ry-my-fin-ger-slipped-some-where-flat.

HEAD OF UN:

I've got just the place. We can split up a part of Mexico for you guys. For some reason whole areas are now unpopulated. I will have Thatcher whacked and announce the new countries the same day. That way no one will care about the new countries for long.

HOMOSEXUAL:

I didn't want anyone to get hurt.

HEAD OF THE UN:

She should have thought about that before she stopped putting out. All I need now is the names of the countries.

HOMOSEXUAL:

My country shall be called Homotopia.

GYPSY:

I think Ill call mine Gypsystan, after my late uncle Stan.

DISABLED:

I-want-my-coun-try-to-be-called-euth-an-as-ia-fant-as-ia

HEAD OF UN:

Seriously?

DISABLED:

No-I-was-be-ing-sar-cast-ic-how-did-you-not-get-that?

Made me giggle ;)

That is interestingly odd, but possibly a bit too long. You are on slightly dodgy ground with the disabled guy, but I loved the 'somewhere flat' line.

If it is for radio you are going to need a bit more exposition at the outset to establish who is who.

Interestingly the Roma in Europe are campainging for a landless state sort of like an internal passport.

It's a great idea but you're massively over explaining, if you have a funny idea trust that the audience will get it. I think if it's an unfortunate minority finding out the UN has generously granted them some land and then finding out it's Mexico.

Also it feels quite long.

But great idea.

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:D Very funny - but I agree with timbo & Sootyj re. the length. I've trimmed a bit and added the necessary exposition for radio - oh and a couple more gags - plus a punchline I couldn't resist!
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UNITED NATIONS RADIO SKETCH

SFX KNOCK ON DOOR

SFX DOOR OPENING

HEAD OF UN: Yes?

GYPSY: Are you the Secretary of the United Nations?

HEAD OF UN: That's what it says on the door.

GYPSY: But you could just be the cleaner.

HEAD OF UN: (FIRMLY) I am the Secretary of the United Nations. What can I do for you gentlemen?

GYPSY: I'm a gypsy

HOMOSEXUAL: I'm a homosexual

SFX: TYPING INTO SPEECH MACHINE

DISABLED MAN: (TYPING INTO SPEECH MACHINE) ...and-I-am-an-ope-ra-sing-er. I-am-joke-ing. I-am-dis-abled.

HEAD OF UN: How can I help?

GYPSY: You see, the three of us feel a little hard done by.

HEAD OF UN: What does that have to do with me?

HOMOSEXUAL: (WHISPERING) Tell them about the Jews.

GYPSY: Do you know the Jews?

HEAD OF UN: They tend to pop up from time to time.

GYPSY: Well, do you know World War Two?

HEAD OF UN: (SARCASTIC) Yes, it rings a bell.

GYPSY:
After World War Two, the allies gave the Jews their own country. We are the same as the Jews.

HEAD OF UN: I don't like were this is going.

HOMOSEXUAL: Listen to me closet queen - we won't leave until we have our own countries!

HEAD OF UN: You in the wheelchair, is this what you want too?

SFX TYPING INTO SPEECH MACHINE

DISABLED MAN: No-i-just-want-to-be-left-at-home-to-die.

GYPSY: (FIRMLY) Listen, we have to stick together if we want justice. Hitler used to push your people around.

DISABLED MAN: I-wish-some-one-would-push-me-a-round.

HEAD OF UN: OK.OK. I suppose we can find a few scraps of land. We could use some more allies.

HOMOSEXUAL:
I'll need somewhere hot, hot, hot!

DISABLED MAN: And-I-will-need-some-whore (PAUSE) sor-ry-that-was-a-typ-o.

HEAD OF UN: We could split up Mexico - it's pretty deserted at the moment. Names of your countries?

HOMOSEXUAL: My country shall be called Homotopia.

GYPSY: I think Ill call mine Gypsystan, after my late uncle Stan.

DISABLED MAN: I-want-my-coun-try-to-be-called-euth-an-as-ia-fant-as-ia

HEAD OF UN: Seriously?

DISABLED MAN: No-I-was-be-ing-sar-cast-ic-how-did-you-not-get-that?

HEAD OF UN: That's a bit too long.

DISABLED MAN: You-prick.

HEAD OF UN: That's better.

________________________________________________________________________________

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The original had some funny lines, but the edit is very good.

I always Imagine Morraces critiques, not in the voice of Kenneth WIlliams but in the voice of Jim Bowen on Bullseye.

"Now youre sketch for critique that's safe. But now let's show you what you should have done"

:D :D :D

Thanks Morrace. I really like the re-edit. I tend to have good ideas but struggle to get it down neatly on paper. So how do we go about getting this on the radio guys?

Quote: John Killalea @ May 1 2009, 10:10 PM BST

I tend to have good ideas but struggle to get it down neatly on paper. So how do we go about getting this on the radio guys?

Check this out > > > http://www.comedyunit.co.uk/

Cheers. How do I know if a sketch is good enough to send in?

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