Not sure whether I've posted this up before but Funny Or Die have decided to film it next week for the website, so just thought I'd flag it up. Cheers.
1. INT. FLAT. NIGHT.
TWO GUYS, (ANDREW AND RICHARD) ARE IN BED, SANS SHIRTS. THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AWKWARDLY, COYLY EVEN.
SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ON THE CD PLAYER. THERE'S A GEORGE MICHEAL PICTURE ON THE WALL.
ANDREW
So. Here we are then.
RICHARD
Yep. Here we are.
ANDREW
I'm sorry, I'm not usually this...forward when I first meet somebody. But it seemed we had so much in common, you know?
RICHARD
Yeah I know. I feel the same way. Sometimes you just have to...grasp the moment.
ANDREW
Yeah. (LOOKS DEEP INTO HIS EYES) Oh Richard...
OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, HE LEANS IN TO KISS RICHARD.
RICHARD
(JERKING HIMSELF AWAY) Eurgh! What the f**k are you doing?
ANDREW
(PERPLEXED, HORRIFIED) What?!
RICHARD
You looked like you were going to kiss me!
ANDREW
I WAS going to kiss you!
RICHARD
But you're a man...I'm a man! Oh shit, I didn't think...look, no offence mate, I've got nothing against your kind, but...
ANDREW
MY kind? What're you on about? You're gay aren't you?
RICHARD
Christ, no! I'm as straight as they come! I read Jeremy Clarkson books and everything!
ANDREW
(ANGRY NOW) Then what the Hell're you doing in my bed? Naked?
RICHARD
I don't know! You said you liked doing Airfix models like me. I thought we were taking our clothes off so we wouldn't get glue on them.
ANDREW
Oh for f...I don't believe this. I mean how did you not know? We were in a gay bar!
RICHARD
(INCREDULOUS) That was a gay bar?
ANDREW
It's called Mr Batty Boy's Fun Club! What did you think it was?
RICHARD
I dunno. I thought it might be cricket-themed.
ANDREW
(REALISING) Oh my God. I've heard about people like you. You were born with no Gaydar, weren't you?
RICHARD
(NODDING SADLY) Yeah, I was. I just can't see it. I mean, he could be gay for all I know.
HE NODS TOWARDS THE PICTURE OF GEORGE MICHEAL ON THE WALL.
RICHARD
Look, I'm really sorry. I'll…I'll just leave.
HE GETS OUT OF BED, REVEALING HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF BRIGHT RED PVC FETISH PANTS WITH A BIG ZIP UP THE BACK.
ANDREW
(SIGHS) What did you think that zip was there for?
RICHARD
(SHRUGS) Easy wiping?
END SKETCH
