INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. DAY.
THE DOOR OPENS, MR JOHNSON ENTERS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
DR
Good afternoon. Sit down.
JOHNSON
Good afternoon. Thank you.
DR
Now, what can I do for you?
JOHNSON
I'm not very well.
DR
Oh dear, flying pig disease, is it?
JOHNSON
I don't think so, I'm having a few problems downstairs.
DR
Oh yes. Arthritis? Can't get down to the basement?
JOHNSON
No, er, trouble down below.
DR
Down below? When scuba diving?
JOHNSON
No! My private parts are all red and itchy.
DR
Why didn't you say so? OK, let's have a look.
JOHNSON
Ah, er, I don't like to.
DR
Oh, go on. Don't worry, I see all kinds of shapes and sizes all day long. And in the evenings when I go home.
JOHNSON TAKES HIS TROUSERS DOWN, AND DROPS HIS PANTS.
DR
Oh my word! Yes, I'm seeing a lot of that these days.
JOHNSON
Really? What is it?
DR
It's credit crunch crotch.
JOHNSON
What!?
DR
Credit crunch crotch. You've been, shall we say, frequenting the parlours of inexpensive ladies of the night, haven't you?
JOHNSON
Well, everything is on offer these days, half price, buy-one-get-one-free, buy-now-pay-later, closing down sales in the AIDS ward. There are some real bargains to be had.
DR
I'll give you a prescription.
THE DOCTOR STARTS WRITING THE PRESCRIPTION.
JOHNSON
How long does it take to clear up?
DR
Not long. Mine went in just a few days.
SOUND FX: TWO RONNIES-type sketch ending twisty sound effect.
