Skit comp 29.4-7.5.09

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... FRED SUNSHINE for winnin' AGAIN! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

7!!! - 10 - Fred sunshine
1 - 5 - Cool Mikado
1 - 5 - Nigel Kelly

Your new subject: ANIMALS (chosen by Cool Mikado).
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7 May

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
91 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
67 - Otterfox
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
57 - Nigel Kelly
56 - Cool Mikado
55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - Paul Watson
25 - Fred Sunshine
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

COLONEL: Come on, Mr. Giraffe…just one more step and you're right in my sights…

WILKINS: Excuse me Colonel?

FX: SHOT FROM LARGE HUNTING RIFLE

COLONEL: Damn! Missed the blighter!

WILKINS: If I could just have a quick word, Colonel…?

COLONEL: Look out!

FX: SHOT FROM LARGE HUNTING RIFLE

WILKINS: Aaargh! What the...?!

COLONEL: Nearly had your leg off there.

WILKINS: What animal was it?

COLONEL: No, not an animal. Me with that shot just now. Big game hunting is a dangerous business, what?

WILKINS: Ah. That's actually what I was hoping to have a quiet word with you about, Colonel.

COLONEL: Come on then, out with it man. I think I saw a couple of tigers over that way. If we hurry, I can bag one and have his head on the trophy wall by suppertime, eh?

WILKINS: Well…you see…it's just that, as a general rule, we don't actually allow people to bring guns into the zoo. We've had a few complaints.

COLONEL: Complaints eh?

WILKINS: How can I put this? You're not really a very good shot, Colonel. You haven't hit a single animal…except that guide dog. That was just one of the complaints, once the owner managed to find his way to the main office without the help of his dog.

COLONEL: Ah. The old eyesight's not what it once was. I think I might need a new monocle.

WILKINS: Well, it's these stray bullets which are our main concern. The work experience lad is currently standing with his finger plugging a bullet hole in the aquarium, waiting for the emergency glazier.

COLONEL: Stout fellow!

WILKINS: Of course, one of the other members of staff is trying to distract the piranhas…but it's still not something we had a risk assessment ready for!

COLONEL: Tricky beast, the piranha. Try feeding them bits of the guide dog, that should keep them away from your lad's finger for a while.

WILKINS: But it's not just that, Colonel. We have an extremely irate ice-cream seller who is only alive because your bullet ricocheted off a box of 99 flakes and embedded itself in a tub of raspberry ripple.

COLONEL: Penguin!

FX: SHOT FROM LARGE HUNTING RIFLE

VOICE: (OFF) Oi!

COLONEL: (OFF) Sorry!

COLONEL: So. Where is your shooting area?

WILKINS: We don't have one! This is a zoo! Look, I'm sorry, Colonel but if you don't stop shooting at things I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

COLONEL: Bally poor show m'boy. I shall be writing a stern letter to the Times about this but OK, no more shooting.

WILKINS: (RELIEVED) Thank you, Colonel. I'm sure we can smooth over the complaints.

FX: METAL CLANKING

WILKINS: What on Earth is that?!

COLONEL: Bear trap m'boy. Now, which way to the polar bears?

MY LIFE AS AN ANIMAL LOVER
_______________________________

JOHN AND JIM ARE MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME, JOHN ENTERS JIMS HOUSE.

Jim
Hi, you must be John?

John
Yes, you must be Jim?

Jim
Yes, nice to meet you John. This is my wife Daisy.

CUT TO A COW.

John
Oh, em. Hello, Daisy.

Jim
She say's how lovely it is to meet you.

JOHN SMILES NERVOUSLY.

Jim
What about your wife is she not coming?

John
Yea, she's a bit nervous about meeting you.

Jim
Oh nonsense.

John
Here she comes now. In here Dolly.

CUT TO A SHEEP COMING THROUGH THE DOOR. JIM BEGINS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

John
What's so funny?

Jim
YOUR WIFE! SHE'S A BLOODY SHEEP, YOU FREAK, GO ON GET OUT!

CUT TO JOHNS FACE, HE STARES AT THE COW IN DISBELIEF.

END.

________

PROBABLY A BIT SHORT, MAY LENGTHEN IT A BIT LATER.

INT.LAB.DAY

A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A VET IS STANDING BEHIND AN EXAMINING TABLE READING FROM A CLIPBOARD. AN ASSISTANT WALKS INTO SHOT CARRYING A LOVELY WHITE RABBIT

WOMAN(addressing the rabbit)
Ahh, hello, hello, what's your name little fella?

ASSISTANT
Your name's Mr. Flopsy isn't it?

WOMAN(stroking the rabbit)
Mr. Flopsy, ahhh, well aren't you a lovely liddle bunnykins?

ASSISTANT(jiggling the rabbit up and down a bit and putting on a silly voice)
Yes I am, yes I am!

WOMAN
Shall we put you on the table Mr. Flopsy?

ASSISTANT(same silly voice)
Oh yes please!

THE ASSISTANT PUTS THE RABBIT ON THE EXAMINING TABLE

WOMAN(suddenly sounding stern)
Hold him!

THE ASSISTANT HOLDS THE RABBIT STILL AS THE OTHER WOMAN PRODUCES A SMALL BOTTLE AND SPRAYS THE RABBIT IN BOTH EYES

ASSISTANT(sniffing)
Oooooh that one smells nice! Is it French?

WOMAN
But of course. Tell you what, we'll do two more and then we'll get some lunch, I could murder a steak

ASSISTANT(skipping off with Mr Flopsy)
Tres bien! Tres bien!

JOE THE OWL.

DAY. 2 MEN (DAMIEN AND MAURICE) IN THEIR 20'S WALK ALONG A WOODED AREA. .

DAMIEN: God I'd love a beer.

MAURICE: Ah shur we could go for an oul' pint.

DAMIEN: Great. Where's the nearest pub?

MAURICE: Pub? No, I'm talking about an owl point, as in owls pointing. I love that.

DAMIEN: What do you mean owls pointing? What kind of a crazy notion is that?

MAURICE: It would be so great. If you're ever lost in a forest you need look no further than the owl. He'll always steer you in the right direction.

DAMIEN: Wheres the fun in it? Surely you would enjoy sitting down, savouring the atmosphere of a pub with a nice cool pint rather than watch a stupid bird flap its wing in a certain direction!

MAURICE: Hey hold on a minute! You're not giving the owl the respect it deserves. I think the only way to get this through to you is through the power of words:

HE BREAKS INTO SONG WITH A DANCE TO MATCH ALA A MUSICAL NUMBER.

'The owl, the owl or 'Nocturnal Joe', won't you direct me where to go.
In the forest under a bee you Joe the owl found my compass 4me.

Joe Joe Joe Joe director of where you need to go
Out in the wilds or in a ford transit van
You Joe the owl direct all you can.

Is your beak short for beacon of light
Directing me until the morning light.
You once helped two men find dere way out of time
Right in the middle of my unprovoked rhyme.
One was called Tim the other was Boris
You Joe are truly the sat nav of the forest.

HE IS JOINED BY SEVERAL WOODLAND CREATURES AS BACKING SINGERS FOR THE CHORUS.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe director of where you need to go.
Out in the wilds or in a ford transit van
You Joe the owl direct all you can.

When I was stuck up a hill midway through a hike
Joe came along on his mountain bike
But dat wasnt enough to endear him to me
He then went and sharpened all my pencils for me.

Joe Joe, hater of beer 'cos it impedes directional capacity.
Joe Joe the map of the trees your full name is Joseph Cassidy
No it's not Tony Slattery or indeed Marie Bombasity.
Joe the owl Joe Joe (REACHING ITS CRESCENDO MAURICE AND CREATURES GROUP TOGETHER) he originally comes from Ballinasloe.

HE IS ORIGINALLY FROM BALLINASLOE'!!

(THEY STRIKE A POSED FINISH WITH MAURICE DOWN ON ONE KNEE ARMS OUTSTRETCHED WITH ANIMALS ALL AROUND HIM WITH A SQUIRREL AND AN OTTER ON EITHER SHOULDER )

DAMIEN: (COMPLETELY UNPHASED) yeah, great. Look I'm going for a pint are you coming or not?

MAURICE: Yeah alright.

HE GIVES HIS ARMS A QUICK JERK. THE ANIMALS TOPPLE TO THE GROUND. HE KICKS A RABBIT OUT OF HIS WAY AND WALKS OFF.

END.

Scene: A posh restaurant. A penguin is sat at a table reading a large menu. Sat opposite is a young gorgeous blonde lady. The penguin has his reading glasses on.

Cut to under the table. She rubs her leg against the penguins webbed foot. He quickly removes his foot and lowers the menu to look over it at her.

She begins to finger her hair and lick her lips sensually.

The penguin shakes his head slightly.

The waiter arrives. The penguin puts down the menu and takes glasses off.

Waiter: Are you ready to order madam?

Lady: I'll have the steak au poivre medium rare.

Waiter: And monsieur? [Looking at penguin]

Lady: Oh he doesn't talk. He's a penguin.

EXT. GRAND NATIONAL - DAY

There are lots of people dressed up standing around. The horses walk past one by one.

V/O COMMENTATOR
The horses now making their way to the starting positions. There's 'Slippery Fidget pot'(BEAT)
'Menacing Buzz-Buzz'(BEAT)
'Nagging Poppadom'(BEAT)
'Soapy the Magnificent'(BEAT)
'Stab Him In The Face' One of today's favourites (BEAT)
'The Claw'(BEAT)
'Ninny Tip-Top'(BEAT)
'Pedigree Chum'(BEAT)
'Blushing Turnip'(BEAT)
'Flippy the Corruptor'(BEAT)
'Nemesis of Reeve'(BEAT)
'Episode III: Revenge of the Sith', a horse that has divided many(BEAT)
'Fancy Pants'(BEAT)
'Stripping Buddah'(BEAT)
'Where's My Melon Baller?'(BEAT)
'Shiney Tits'(BEAT)
'Inflatable Douchebag'(BEAT)
'Flaming Underpants'(BEAT)
'Snorkel'(BEAT)
'Hung like a'(BEAT)
'Clean Me'(BEAT)
'The Final Countdown'(BEAT)
'Smelly Butcher'(BEAT)
'Kiss This'(BEAT)
'Dreamy Bin liner'(BEAT)
'Juicy Hooves'(BEAT)
'Is This My Badger?'(BEAT)
'Nubins'(BEAT)
'Tasty Burger'(BEAT)
'Sherbert Dib-Dab'(BEAT)
'Your Mum', I actually had a chance to speak to the owner of 'Your Mum' earlier, but when I asked who was going to be riding her today he took great offence.

THE FLU'S AT TEN

News Studio. A piggie.

PIG: Good boaring. This is Jimmy Saveloy welcoming you to 'Oink if You've Got It', the show that warns swinekind of the terrible phenopigson sweeping up the nation's sties. First it was Sade infecting us with yuppie flu – (SINGS) 'Smooth Hogerator' (WINCES) – then bird flu as Bennie Swill inflicted 'Hill's Angels' on us – now it's manunkind itself, on the pink of collapse with whine flu. Yes every time those horrible humans come near us they're whining – 'Ooh he's got teetering trotters' or 'What rotten rashers' or 'Bother that bally bacon'. It's like the eighties' AIDS panic, only without the sex first... Humans, have some respect for your frizzly friends. What have we done to you? Are we responsible for the Second World War, political imprisonment, 'Facebook'? Do we drop bombs, exploit the Third World, watch 'Big Brother'? Snorting of which, where would George Orwell've been without us? 'Animal Farm', a searing political allegory about gnus – doesn't work does it? And what about Porky Pig, was he a chartered accountant from Brideshead? Was it the wolf and the three little elephants?… And your language – 'male chauvinist platypus' doesn't have the same ring to it. 'The Kray Twins, had a run-in with the hamsters…' 'Bartender, get me a packet of millipede scratchings…' 'Yes, and aubergines might fly…'
Pigs of the world unite. We have nothing to lose but our chains. One thing's for sure, when this little piggie goes to market, does he go wee-wee-wee-wee all the way home? No but humans do, peeing themselves silly at the very thought of a ham-fisted hamburger, a sloppy sirloin steak, a poxy pork chop. Get veal you guys, have a butcher's at yourselves, think pig for once!

EXT. NIGHT. DOG TRACK.

Camera focus on a group of men who are chatting, drinking and looking at betting slips.

FX TANNOY BONG.

TANNOY VOICE: (distorted)
The hare's running.

MAN:
Here we go lads, the winner gets the beers in.

CUT TO:
Two large silver Greyhound buses which are careering round the track.

TWO SCIENTISTS ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF AN IMPORTANT LOOKING MAN IN A SUIT.

SCIENTIST 1: Due to astounding leaps in the fields of genetics & cloning we have managed to achieve the unthinkable.
SCIENTIST 2: Brought back the ... UNICORN.

PAN TO A MAGNIFICENT UNICORN OF PURE WHITE.

SCIENTIST 1: If that doesn't secure our grant, then I don't know what will.

MAN IN SUIT: It's unbelievable !

THE UNICORNS HORN DROPS OFF & ROLLS ALONG THE FLOOR.

SCIENTIST 2: Bloody hard Gene to get right that, the old Horn.

Grate, votes plis...

I'll vote for Afinkawan, liked Fred's and Otterfox's too.

Cool Mikado

roscoff!

Quote: The Cool Mikado @ May 9 2009, 8:01 PM BST

roscoff!

View original

Best £10 I ever spent. Possibly the only other appreciator of penguin related surreal sketches in the northern hemisphere. I'd make that doctors appointment now if I were you Cool M.