AN OXFORD UNI QUAD ALA 1920S SOME WHITCHES ARE BEING BURNED AT THE STAKE
VO
It was 2009 and the quiet village of Oxford University was about to get a shock!
STEPHEN HAWKING DRIVES INTO THE QUAD IN HIS WHEEL CHAIR, WHICH HAS PENANTS, STICKERS ETC HE HAS 2 DOLLY BIRDS ON THE ARM RESTS AND IS WEARING SUNGLASSES.
LOUIE LOUIE PLAYS OUT OF HIS VOICE BOX.
ONE OF THE STICKERS READS "I like black holes and big booties."
ANOTHER "A brief history of sexiness."
VO
They'd never seen an astrophysicist like Professor Stephen Hawking,
With a PHD in partying on down he's the Polymath who likes a laugh!
VO
It's the greatest frat house comedy since Albert Einstein's Animal House!
With Stephen Fry as the crusty old dean!
STEPHEN FRY STANDS IN FRONT OF STEPHEN HAWKING AND A COLLECTION OF OTHER QUADRAPLEGIC STUDENTS IN WHEEL CHAIRS AND HOSPITAL BEDS, THEY ALL SEEM VERY ILL.
STEPHEN
Mnnyaa every year who leaves tyre tracks in the Quad? Which fraternity has the most students miss their final exams thanks to tragic early deaths? Who's bins are full of colostomy bags? Quadraplegic house, Custodes et Spastics? Me that's who.
VO
Bullies!
STEPHEN HAWKING IS SURROUNDED BY DAVID CAMERON, DARIUS GUPPY AND DAVID CAMERON IN WHITE TAILS.
BORIS
I'd told you Dave working class people had wheels!
DARIUS
He'll do for our annual Bullingdon sacrifice to Satan.
DAVID
Then we can eat him.
STEPHEN HAWKING IS TALKING TO HIS FELLOW QUADRAPLEGIC STUDENTS.
VO
Panty raids!
STEPHEN
We can't steal the panties from the girls in Germaine Greer 70s feminist fraternity. Because none of them wear any.
UNHAPPY BLEEPS FROM THE VARIOUS STUDENTS.
STEPHEN
They also don't shave their bikini lines.
WE SEE STEPHEN'S CHAIR HAS A LAWN MOWER ATTACHMENT.
STEPHEN FRY IS ADRESSING THE QUADRAPLEGIC STUDENTS.
STEPHEN
Mnnaaa I am evisculated in fury Plinny didn't write about this, now where the hell is all the pubic hair from Germaine Greer 70s feminist house!
WE NOW SEE ALL THE STUDENTS OF QUADRAPLEGIC HOUSE HAVE THICK CURLY PUBIC BEARDS.
