Scene from sitcom. Thoughts? Page 5

Well because I know it can work, it flows. To be fair I understand where you all are coming from, as you cannot visualize the characters like I can. The scenes I put on here are the ones I wanted feedback on as I am not too sure, but I still think they work.

Steve: middle aged, overweight, short, has an 80's moustache and talks like he is a man's man, hates anything that isn't english. a stereotypical tradesman.

Scott: A young apprentice, who see's the reality of working in the trade, and has dreams and aspirations bigger than being just a plumber. He is university educated.

Basically it is a battle between the two, constantly, Steve is not PC, Scott realises this, and does his best to help the situation when working in people's houses and work.
These two are not the only characters in the sitcom, and is not like 'Empty'.

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 1:26 PM BST

Well because I know it can work, it flows. To be fair I understand where you all are coming from, as you cannot visualize the characters like I can. The scenes I put on here are the ones I wanted feedback on as I am not too sure, but I still think they work.

Steve: middle aged, overweight, short, has an 80's moustache and talks like he is a man's man, hates anything that isn't english. a stereotypical tradesman.

Scott: A young apprentice, who see's the reality of working in the trade, and has dreams and aspirations bigger than being just a plumber. He is university educated.

Basically it is a battle between the two, constantly, Steve is not PC, Scott realises this, and does his best to help the situation when working in people's houses and work.
These two are not the only characters in the sitcom, and is not like 'Empty'.

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I always visualise the scene/actors, I find that I can't read a script any other way, it comes naturally to me

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 1:26 PM BST

Well because I know it can work, it flows. To be fair I understand where you all are coming from, as you cannot visualize the characters like I can.

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I'm trying to address this same problem Scott. The way I'm trying to do this is as follows:

Write dialogue
Leave it
Go back, fresh headed and re-write it
Leave it
Send to a few people you know, ask them for feedback. Nothing specific just feedback. They may tell you thing's you never noticed or hadn't thought of. Ask them if the characters make sense? the story flows? they understand it and can picture it?

Repeat the process and then nail it.

At least that's the theory.

The feedback on here is honest and mostly constructive. Feel free to express your opinion but try not to turn it into a slanging match - leave that to me

Leave slanging match's to you? why's that then pal?

Scotti I've gotta say check out some of the sites or books on writing Sitcoms because what you have described won't work.

In the same way a submarine made out of soluble aspirin won't.

Sitcoms often look simple on the outside but have multiple complex levels of characterisation and conflict.

Basil Fawlty=angry hotelier.

But he's also; a snob, henpecked, a bully, has a deep sense of inferiority, an inflated view of himself.

When you put those characteristics against similarly thought out characters and situations it creates the constant tension that's at the heart of so much good sitcom.

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 1:41 PM BST

Leave slanging match's to you? why's that then pal?

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I'm not your pal, mate.

Soot you like it. You know you do. You had to get that weak ''soluble aspirin'' line in though?...ha.

Im not your pal, mate?

what is this site, Craig are you 12?

Look don't give me anymore advice 'pal', cos how can I take advice from somebody who has never written anything credible?that's why you don't see me trying to give advice to somebody about silly things, are you a producer? no are you a script editor? no. point proven?

Go back to bed and wake up when you've stopped being an assclown, Scotti.

Dangeorus advice Bussell you said the same thing to me and I ended up in a 6month coma and still an ass clown.

Plus I think some one abused me whilst I was under.

I'm loving this thread.

N.B. professional script reading usually starts out at about 30-50 squids.

Dude, go back to bed and never wake up, Ive seen your site. Your 32 aswell.....ahem bedtime for you Bussell boy?

Quote: Marc P @ April 27 2009, 1:55 PM BST

I'm loving this thread.

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No one trusts you Mark you always "doctor" your writing.

haha....Bussell your sketches are lame my friend.

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 1:55 PM BST

Dude, go back to bed and never wake up, Ive seen your site. Your 32 aswell.....ahem bedtime for you Bussell boy?

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33 on Thursday in case you want to buy me something nice, kid.