Scene from sitcom. Thoughts? Page 4

Does anybody understand what is happening in the scene?

It is two characters working together, one young, one old, from different generations and unbringing's, and how they view different stuations and their thoughts. I think it is clever. Not repetative, as this is how people in the 'real world' talk. I would know.

Scottidog, I can't help but feel all you've done in this thread is get offended for no reason, make excuses, and spit people's advice back in their face. People don't have to give up their time to read your sitcom and offer their thoughts on it, and I suspect they won't continue to if what they get in return is 'thanks for the "advice"'.

Everything that's been offered is valid in my eyes, and you'd do well to accept it instead of making out we aren't qualified to tell you how many ellipses to use.

To be honest it is good advice, im just annoyed the material was overseen by some dots, its not a script.

This is what it should look like with three elipses

SCOTT: What we doin in a lay by steve?...Not gonna do bad things to me are you?

STEVE: Huh(long pause)Nar.

SCOTT: What we got for lunch then Mr Steve?...Still doin the atkins diet with your misses and her sister?

STEVE: Nah.

SCOTT: Come on...what you got?...What you got?
(Steve puts paper down and pulls out his lunchbag, with an eager look on his face)

STEVE: Oooooo...what havent we got my son?(Pulling things out the bag one by one)
A ham and pickle batch, with...tiger bread, a rolo yogurt (showing it to scott)

SCOTT: oooo...got your spoon?

STEVE: Yep...got a rolo yogurt.

SCOTT: what another one?

STEVE: No...same one...got a kitkat, a pack of midget gems and a muller light mandarin yogurt...for the old health kick.

SCOTT: Was gonna say, the diets going well then, (sacastically) if it werent for the mandarin yogurt there, I was beginning to think you were abandoning the diet...how much you lost then?

STEVE: (Opening the kitkat)...erm I reckon about a stone.

SCOTT: ...Bout a stone?...well don't you know, when did you last weigh yourself?

STEVE: I dont...

SCOTT: What you mean you dont?...how'd you know you've lost a stone?

STEVE: Well, I reckon its about a stone, cos every inch off your waist they say you've lost about a stone don't they?

SCOTT: What?

STEVE: A stone for every inch off the' old love handle.

SCOTT: Steve no they dont...where have you heard that shit from!...I swear you make this shit up.

STEVE: Nah its true...serious.

SCOTT: OH serious...your the next Gillian Mckeith then steve...So you've measured your waist then, and you've lost an inch?

STEVE: Erm...I reckon so yeah.

SCOTT: You haven't measured your waist have you Steve?

STEVE: No... its a guess
(long pause)

SCOTT: So...you could actually still be the same weight then...

STEVE: well...guess so...feel slimmer though.

(Steve puts the whole kitkat into this mouth)

Ah thanks baby!...

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 12:27 PM BST

Ah thanks baby!...

View original

When you want a character to cut short another character's line, you put a dash to indicate that, not elipses. So the following line of Steve's should have a dash if Scott is cutting in.

STEVE: I dont...

SCOTT: What you mean you dont?...how'd you know you've lost a stone?

i.e...

STEVE: I don't-

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 27 2009, 12:16 PM BST

Scottidog, I can't help but feel all you've done in this thread is get offended for no reason, make excuses, and spit people's advice back in their face. People don't have to give up their time to read your sitcom and offer their thoughts on it, and I suspect they won't continue to if what they get in return is 'thanks for the "advice"'.

Everything that's been offered is valid in my eyes, and you'd do well to accept it instead of making out we aren't qualified to tell you how many ellipses to use.

View original

Amen to that.

All this talk of grammar very nearly made me go and reread Eat, Shoots and Leaves.

I think everybody's got the Monday morning blues

As BB did you an actors edit Scott. Here's a writer's edit for the use of the ellipsis.

SCOTT:
What we doing in a lay by? Not gonna do bad things to me are you?

[STEVE LOOS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT. CONSIDERING THEN SMILES]

STEVE:
Nah!

SCOTT:
What we got for lunch then Mr Steve? Still on the Atkins diet?

STEVE:
Not really...

SCOTT:
Come on then. What you got?

[STEVE PUTS PAPER DOWN AND PULLS OUT HIS LUNCHBAG, WITH AN EAGER LOOK ON HIS FACE]

STEVE:
What haven't we got my son? A ham and pickle batch with tiger bread. A rolo yogurt. a kitkat, a pack of midget gems and a muller light mandarin yogurt.

SCOTT:
The diets going well then. How much you lost?

STEVE:
(Opening the kitkat) I reckon about a stone.

SCOTT:
About a stone! Don't you know? When did you last weigh yourself?

STEVE:
I don't.

SCOTT:
How'd you know you've lost a stone then?

STEVE:
I reckon its about a stone, cos every inch off your waist they say you've lost about a stone don't they?

SCOTT:
No, Steve they don't! Where have you heard that shit from! I swear you make this shit up.

STEVE:
Nah it's true. Serious.

SCOTT:
So you've lost an inch then?

STEVE:
Well…

SCOTT:
You haven't measured your waist have you Steve?

STEVE:
No. Its a guess. But ... I feel slimmer though.

Im sorry, but to be fair this isn't really contructive. I have confirmed, pointless posting your sitcom material on here. I don't see how people who don't have any credible work, including myself, can have an opinion that qualifies somebody taking their work back to the drawing board. Im not being harsh here, its just the truth. lets be honest, if you a random script scene from 'The Royle Family', you would never say that would be a hit, as it all through subtle, but fantastic acting...that is my point. Thanks guys.

Marc. In my opinion, that is what everybody writes on here, it is just so planned out and boring it has know true speech, nobody talks like that, its about fast speech, quickness, banter?...not just actors waiting to say their lines?...

Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 12:54 PM BST

Marc. In my opinion, that is what everybody writes on here, it is just so planned out and boring it has know true speech, nobody talks like that, its about fast speech, quickness, banter?...not just actors waiting to say their lines?...

View original

Fair play to you Scott. You must plough your own furrow after all. It is your own vision. Best of luck with it.

Quote: Marc P @ April 27 2009, 12:49 PM BST

As BB did you an actors edit Scott. Here's a writer's edit for the use of the ellipsis.

SCOTT:
What we doing in a lay by? Not gonna do bad things to me are you?

[STEVE LOOS AT HIM FOR A MOMENT. CONSIDERING THEN SMILES]

STEVE:
Nah!

SCOTT:
What we got for lunch then Mr Steve? Still on the Atkins diet?

STEVE:
Not really...

SCOTT:
Come on then. What you got?

[STEVE PUTS PAPER DOWN AND PULLS OUT HIS LUNCHBAG, WITH AN EAGER LOOK ON HIS FACE]

STEVE:
What haven't we got my son? A ham and pickle batch with tiger bread. A rolo yogurt. a kitkat, a pack of midget gems and a muller light mandarin yogurt.

SCOTT:
The diets going well then. How much you lost?

STEVE:
(Opening the kitkat) I reckon about a stone.

SCOTT:
About a stone! Don't you know? When did you last weigh yourself?

STEVE:
I don't.

SCOTT:
How'd you know you've lost a stone then?

STEVE:
I reckon its about a stone, cos every inch off your waist they say you've lost about a stone don't they?

SCOTT:
No, Steve they don't! Where have you heard that shit from! I swear you make this shit up.

STEVE:
Nah it's true. Serious.

SCOTT:
So you've lost an inch then?

STEVE:
Well…

SCOTT:
You haven't measured your waist have you Steve?

STEVE:
No. Its a guess. But ... I feel slimmer though.

View original

.........................
That's fine Marc if you're not bothered how an actor interprets your script.
One actor could choose to do the lines at breakneck speed and another all slow. With elipses, it tells the actor, the writer wants you to pause and when.

Quote: bushbaby @ April 27 2009, 1:00 PM BST

.........................
That's fine Marc if you're not bothered how an actor interprets your script.
One actor could choose to do the lines at breakneck speed and another all slow. With elipses, it tells the actor, the writer wants you to pause and when.

View original

I suppose we are coming from two different perspectives BB. And sorry to continue the debate Scott, but I think it is important to bear in mind who your script is aimed at. You have experience of being given a script BB, and being puzzled as to how to act it. I have experience of writing a script, and yes, in the main trusting actors and directors to deliver. There is a certain grammar within scripts. The pace and the flow and the style of it can all be indicated in differing ways. Excessive use of BEATS and ELLIPSES is frowned upon. That's not speculation. It's a fact. Less is more. The point is there are a lot of people to get through before a script ever gets in an actors hands. It is the first script reader you should be worrying about and it will be giving him or her, the wrong impression from the start. Is all. Naturalism isn't realism. Realistic in scripts isn't real.

But...

As I said. Scott must go with what he feels delivers his vision best.

I think Scotti is going for the feel of Empty in this, but you still need funnier lines imo. And you should take everyone's advice about setting your script out, although you seem intent on not doing so.