Ellipsis is a form of punctuation I tend to overdo in comic prose, using it as a sort of downbeat exclamation mark.
But in dialogue I would stick to using it when one character cuts across another, or when a line of dialogue very definitely trails off.
Not enough funny lines in it for me, I like the visual gag at the end though.
Sorry to say it but it didn't do anything for me. Nothing really happened and I found the dialogue a bit unbelievable.
I agree with the others about the ellipses as well. You seem to be using them instead of commas and full stops. I particularly enjoyed:
...........(long pause)..................
Why not just have (long pause)???
It's not that I found it annoying to read or anything, just you might as well use the proper grammar.
Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 27 2009, 12:48 AM BSTSorry to say it but it didn't do anything for me. Nothing really happened and I found the dialogue a bit unbelievable.
I agree with the others about the ellipses as well. You seem to be using them instead of commas and full stops. I particularly enjoyed:
Why not just have (long pause)???
It's not that I found it annoying to read or anything, just you might as well use the proper grammar.
Yea, I was beginning to think how many pages the script would be for Mr Bean if Scotti wrote it. 
I'm afraid it didn't do much for me either Scotti. It wasn't bad, just not particularly creative. It seems like a first draft - like you've came up with the idea for the scene and just wrote down the most obvious things? Like I say, I didn't think it was bad.
Quote: Scottidog @ April 26 2009, 8:22 PM BSTMaybe. But I write it like that. Thanks anyway.
Write it better then, ellipses only have three... and a space after.
Makes you wonder what peoples objective is when they post here? Whether you hear people on this site say it's funny doesn't mean a lot. Some people will hate what others love, but the one place you should listen is with regards layout and presentation. The OP seems to want people to like his humour but ignore his poor grammar....yet it's that which may get his script binned while another is picked up.
Very......odd.
Edit - just read it and struggled. Do you realise Steve says "what" in almost everyone of his lines? And in another line you have the word "diet" twice. Just felt like the sort of points my English teacher would have raised when I was 11.
Quote: Tiggs @ April 27 2009, 9:38 AM BSTMakes you wonder what peoples objective is when they post here? Whether you hear people on this site say it's funny doesn't mean a lot. Some people will hate what others love, but the one place you should listen is with regards layout and presentation. The OP seems to want people to like his humour but ignore his poor grammar....yet it's that which may get his script binned while another is picked up.
Very......odd.
You make a good point Tiggs. The old cliche that you don't get a second chance to make a first impression springs to mind. And quirkily idiosyncratic ways of formatting unsolicited scripts goes down as well with script readers as novels submitted in green biro goes down with publishers.
And it should be Very... odd. Tsk Tsk!
Quote: Timbo @ April 26 2009, 9:04 PM BSTEllipsis is a form of punctuation I tend to overdo in comic prose, using it as a sort of downbeat exclamation mark.
But in dialogue I would stick to using it when one character cuts across another,
When one character cuts across another, it is probably more appropriate to use a dash.
DON:
When one person cuts across...
MARC:
(INTERRUPTING) Like this is good for scripts. But in a novel the dash is more the norm.
Quote: Dolly Dagger @ April 26 2009, 8:19 PM BSTActors don't need that. Have you seen many other sitcom scripts?
A an actor, I needed them and then you can get exactly what the writer intended.
I think the rule on them [elipses] is that you do six of them. [who writes these rules?]
It's certainly not six - it should be three.
Quote: bushbaby @ April 27 2009, 11:14 AM BSTA an actor, I needed them
Were you a good actor BB?
Ummmmm. An actor needed them lads?(.....) back to the drawing board then boys?.
To be honest it is pretty pointless posting your sections of your sitcom on here as it's not as if you know the synopsis or the character descriptions well enough?
Let's all just stick to our ''funny'' sketches.
Quote: Marc P @ April 27 2009, 11:30 AM BSTWere you a good actor BB?
Yes, I did Stanislavski's method [if it's good enough for De Niro...]
I did a lot of theatre, mainly comedy but I did have a problem corpsing. I had to nip myself/bite my tongue. In rehearsals I was on the floor rolling over laughing rather than on my feet 
Quote: Scottidog @ April 27 2009, 11:33 AM BSTUmmmmm. An actor needed them lads?(.....) back to the drawing board then boys?.
You do what you want Scottidog. We'll just carry on doing it properly!