The Builder Sketches - SEASON TWO

Our builder friend has a new project!!!!!!!!

An expert arrives

Pharaoh : You're the expert from Britannia?

Builder: Yes Guv. Just knocked up the very latest in "Henges". Stone you know, first of it's kind! Magnificent it is.

Pharaoh: You sound just the man.

Builder: I make the impossible happen <beat> for a price.

Pharaoh: You've seen the plans?

Builder: Oh yes guv, lots of funny triangle things.

Pharaoh: It can be done?

Builder: Give me enough donkey's guv and I can do anything.

Pharaoh: What are donkey's?

Builder: Dumb animals. To build stuff you need loads of dumb animals.

Pharaoh: Dumb animals we have, lots of camels <beat> and slaves.

Builder: Didn't realise you didn't have donkey's guv.. I never worked with camels before. The price will have to go up...an extra two thousand.

Pharaoh: Well I don't know?

Builder: Come on Guv, put your hand in your pocket you can't take it with you when you go.

Pharaoh: Well I was planning to actually...

Builder: One more thing guv...

BUILDER LOOKS UP TO THE SUN AND PUTS A KNOTTED HANKIE ON HIS HEAD

Builder: With this bloody heat, we're going to need a brew!

Ends

And another one!

Plans

Pharaoh : Nothing much is happening here is it?

Builder: Hello Guv, I was meaning to tell you...I do like your hat!

Pharaoh: Hat? This is the royal headdress? Anyway...what's going on?

Builder: Well I'll be honest Guv? I've got a bit of a problem with the plans.

Pharaoh: What's wrong with the plans?

Builder: The drawings are fine... I understand the triangles Guv... but it's the measurements and the notes section?

Pharaoh: What about them?

Builder: Well there's no writing. It's covered in these funny looking symbols.

Pharaoh: That's Egyptian hieroglyphs....it's our alphabet.

Builder: Really?

Pharaoh: Yes every symbol stands for a word or phrase. Look that one stands for me!

Builder: What's this one? The one that looks like a man shagging a camel?

Pharaoh: Oh...that..I think the previous builder.. the one I sacked .. he must have defaced the plans.

Builder: Well this is no good guv. I can't read these.

Pharaoh: I'll have to get the translator in.

Builder: Okay then guv...while I wait I'll have a brew.

SEASON TWO - ROFL.

Another great idea. I like 'an expert arrives' but not so keen on the 'plans'.

I think I'd perhaps tighten up the words on 'an expert arrives' and characterise them a little more, I don't think alot of the dialogue sounds natural. Perhaps add more words/things into the scene the Pharaoh won't understand or know about?

- Nigel would be proud of this one.
Pharaoh: Dumb animals we have, lots of camels <beat> and slaves.

Here is another one.

Soil

Pharaoh is meeting with a Builder

Pharaoh : What's going on?

Builder: Me and the boys are having a brew.

Pharaoh: Why aren't you building?

Builder: It's your soil guv!

The Builder picks up a handful of sand and lets it run through his fingers.

Builder: I ain't used to this sandy stuff. Back in Wiltshire its a good honest clay based compound, a good strong top soil, with a high quality worm content.
Nothing better than a high quality worm content.

Pharaoh: What's the soil got to do with anything?

Builder: Foundations Guv! These triangles of yours need good foundations.

Pharaoh: Will you stop calling them Triangles.

Builder: What are they then?

Pharaoh: Pyramids. Triangles are a purely two dimensional shape.

Builder: What they for then?

Pharaoh: (Proudly) I shall be buried in the biggest one, It shall be called the Great Pyramid.

Builder: If I don't get this soil sorted, we both might get buried sooner than we think.

Pharaoh: You need to crack on, I don't want be hanging around when I'm gone waiting for you to finish, not in this heat....bodies soon go off....the smell is terrible. I need to get my mummy in there as soon as possible.

Builder: Oh I'm sorry guv, I didn't realise you've had a family bereavement....do you want a brew?

I preferred Soil the best and also liked the ending of it Bigfella.

Thanks Nigel.

Next!!!

Plague

Pharaoh is meeting with a Builder

Pharaoh : What's going on?

Builder: Nothing. We ain't doing another thing until the bloody work conditions improve!

Pharaoh: What's wrong?

Builder: Wrong? What's wrong Guv? We're all covered in bloody boils!

Pharaoh: Listen your own personal hygiene is of no concern to me.

Builder: Well it ain't just that is it guv? What was with all them locusts this morning?

Pharaoh: Well I've got this difficult bloke on my back, Moses he's called. Causing all sort of problems, he wants the slaves to go free.

Builder: Union bloke is he?

Pharaoh: A man of God apparently.

Builder: Anyway that's your business, we can't work like this Guv. Look at all them frog's last night. We didn't get a wink of sleep with all that croaking.

Pharaoh: Listen I'll see what I can do.

Builder: Just you do that. All your bloody water has gone red as well.

Pharaoh: Well I'm sorry.

Builder : So you should be guv.....now we can't even have a decent brew.

These don't seem to be as popular as SEASON ONE - Stonehenge.

Anyway I'm having fun. Here is another

Camels

Pharaoh is meeting with a Builder

Pharaoh : Not much progress again I see.

Builder: Well want do you expect Guv? You let the slaves go free.

Pharaoh: Yeah, well that was unavoidable. Messages from above and all that! I got you more camels though!

Builder: Don't I know it. My lads have really got the hump!

Pharaoh: They're all sitting down! You'll never get it finished at this rate.

Builder: The triangles will get built Guv. Calm down. The boy's are sat down because it's break time.

Pharaoh: Break time? It'll be noon soon? You'll be knocking off for a few hours then.

Builder: Why?

Pharaoh: You can' t work in the midday day sun.

Builder: We're Englishmen, the midday sun is the best time for us!

Builder looks over to the fire and shouts

Builder: BRIAN! GET THAT MAD DOG AWAY FROM THE FIRE!...while you're here Guv, do you fancy a brew?

Ends