INT. OFFICE. DAY.
MI5 BOSS IS MEETING WITH AN OPERATIVE (DAVID).
BOSS: David, I'm sure you're wondering why I arranged this meeting with you?
DAVID: Yes, sir.
BOSS: Are you aware of green ops.
DAVID: No sir, I'm not.
BOSS: Green ops are run by MI5's Horticultural unit.
DAVID: I was unaware of their existence.
BOSS: Recent high grade intel has revealed an Al Qaeda plot that could be catastrophic to the flora and fauna of this nation.
DAVID: Sir?
BOSS: One of their botanical masterminds has created an invasive rapidly-spreading weed.
DAVID: Does it grow quicker than a leylandii hedge sir?
BOSS: I'm unaware of any comparison growth rate. It's life cycle is short though with swift decomposition.
DAVID: Into?
BOSS: Well, I'm afraid that's the problem. It decomposes into sand.
DAVID: Sand?
BOSS: Yes David, sand. Operatives recently discovered a small desert in a Blackburn back yard. You are aware of how little work builders have been getting recently, so we were able to rule them out immediately. It had to be Al Qaeda.
DAVID: Ok, so we stop them bringing the plant or seeds in.
BOSS: Not as simple as that I'm afraid. They have devised skin borne contact to carry the seed.
DAVID: I'm not with you sir.
BOSS: Have you ever treaded grapes David?
DAVID: No.
BOSS: Ok, I'll explain. Al Qaeda grows the weed, in the desert of course, take off their socks and shoes, bounce around in the weeds for a while, get dressed and head for the airports.
DAVID: I'm thinking foot and mouth precautionary measures sir.
BOSS: Negative, there's a news blackout on this.
DAVID: What about powerwashing snatch squads or an Al Qaeda sheep dip?
BOSS: No, you're not listening to me. We're going totally covert on this. Your role will involve UK based surveillance, cultivation of counter insurgency plants and green ops. The stakes are immense. This green and pleasant land could become sandy and unpleasant.
DAVID: I know how sand gets in between your toes on holiday and I suppose, worst case scenario sir, we'd have to call travellers nomads.
BOSS: We need an emotionally mature and capable operative like you. Our most recent prospect couldn't handle it, Peter McKay, do you know of him?
DAVID: Yes of course, I roomed with Peter at training college.
BOSS: Peter focussed on growing incorrect hybrids. He became withdrawn, mentally derelict. It all got too much for him and well, I'm afraid he eloped to Gretna Green with a mannequin in the end. Poor sod.
DAVID: Gosh. Was the mannequin dressed in men's clothing sir? I remember in our room he was partial to a bit of. Sorry sir, thinking out loud.
BOSS: Well? Can I count you in?
DAVID: Yes but I'd be a little bit worried about my hay fever.
