Unfinished sketch: Mittens

Okay, this is an experiment, inspired by the recent joint sketches.

This is how it works, assuming that it does. I am posting a sketch which is a bit meh. Anyone is free to add to it, change it, completely rewrite it, or come up with a different sketch inspired by it. And anyone can then do the same to these versions. And those who have already contributed can then come back for another crack if subsequent versions spark further ideas. After a week I will post my preferred edit, and others can do the same if they wish. (And assuming we come up with something worthwhile, anyone who has contributed is free to add their preferred version to their portfolio, so long as they credit anyone who made a significant contribution to that version.)

So:

EXT. A SUBURBAN GARDEN. DAY.

AN ELDERLY LADY IS SHOWING THROUGH A RSPCA OFFICER, WHO IS CARRYING A LARGE STEP LADDER.

RSPCA OFFICER
Up a tree you say?

LADY
I do hope he will be all right. He is such a timid thing.

THE RSPCA OFFICER SETS UP THE LADDER.

RSPCA OFFICER
Don't worry, we'll soon have the little fella down.

THE RSPCA OFFICER DISAPPEARS UP THE LADDER. THERE IS A SPITTING, SNARLING SOUND.

THE RSPCA OFFICER DESCENDS THE LADDER. HIS JACKET SLEEVE HAS BEEN RIPPED TO SHREDS, AND HIS FACE IS LACERATED.

LADY
Oh, did he scratch?

RSPCA OFFICER
That, madam, is a leopard.

LADY
Don't be silly, he's just a kitten.

RSPCA OFFICER
He's dragged a wildebeest into the tree!

LADY
Oh, Mittens! That is naughty! (TO THE RSPCA OFFICER) He can be a little terror. The other day he left a vole on the doormat. Such a shame - it had the sweetest horns.

RSPCA OFFICER
Good grief. What did you do with it?

LADY
Oh I put it on the bird table.

THE LADY INDICATES A PLATFORM DRAPED WITH A CARCAS ON WHICH VULTURES ARE FEEDING.

LADY
Of course I never get anything but sparrows.

Fricking brilliant Tim. 5 stars.

I was thinking of doing the same thing regards to the starting a sketch and others put their own spin on it or edit.

There is definitely potential for MORE and possibly a few different endings.

That's great no more work needed.

Timbo and Craig - great minds think alike.

I was going to post an idea I had as an experiment - but I've spent very little time on it and there's lots of scope for improvement/ derision!

I agree with Sooty though - your sketch is complete and great as it is!

Love it. I'd feel I could only ruin it by interfering! But I'm willing to have a try if you'd like...

Okay, this concept seems to have broken down on my apparent inability to recognise a decent sketch when I have written one – though I do have a concern that the pay-off, such as it is, involves filming dangerous exotic livestock…

Anyway I am not precious about this one, so if anyone else fancies taking a stab, please feel free.

JUST A LITTLE ADDITION.

___

LADY
Oh I put it on the bird table.

THE LADY'S MOBILE PHONE RINGS.

LADY
Hello, oh, Hi Suzie (pause) Oh no, not again. I'll let the nice animal man know. (TO THE RSPCA OFFICER) That was Suzie my friend down the road, she says my other cat just chased a wee boy down the street. He must have gave him a wee scare, poor thing.

RSPCA OFFICER
What does he look like?

LADY
Oh, he's a little ginger with black stripes.

Perfect as is.

I thought the pay-off was a bit weak. Just more of the same: kitten, vole, sparrow with no real escalation.

Not that I can think of anything (I've only ever written a handful of sketches - all posted here to little approval), but, as-written, wouldn't it be better if the RSPCA man added a punchline?

Many thanks to those who like the sketch as is, but Johnny has a point about lack of escalation; perhaps squabbling live vultures in a suburban garden might get round this by raising the stakes visually, but I am not sure they would be that practical to film. (I recall Bill Goldman referring in Adventures in the Screentrade to the inadvisability of beginning a script with "Ext. Central Park. A herd of camels gallops into view".)

But what it really needs is being taken off in a slightly different direction. Can't see how to do this myself, hence offering it up to others to do their worst.

Why is it that the leopard is the funniest cat? Lions aren't funny, no tigers. Odd

EXT. A SUBURBAN GARDEN. DAY.

AN ELDERLY LADY IS SHOWING THROUGH A RSPCA OFFICER, WHO IS CARRYING A LARGE STEP LADDER.

RSPCA OFFICER
Up a tree you say?

LADY
I do hope he will be all right. He is such a timid thing.

THE RSPCA OFFICER SETS UP THE LADDER.

RSPCA OFFICER
Don't worry, we'll soon have the little fella down.

THE RSPCA OFFICER DISAPPEARS UP THE LADDER. THERE IS A MIAOWING/GROWLING SOUND.

THE RSPCA OFFICER DESCENDS CARRYING A SMALL BOY WHO HAS HIS FACE PAINTED LIKE A TIGER.

I thought I would try a quick literal one Timbo.

Yes, a good idea, Timbo but an 'Unfinished sketch'? I don't think so! Brilliant! It's as unfinished as my first pathetic marriage! It would be a sin to tamper with it! (your sketch, that is)

Hope you don't mind - just using dialogue from your thread to get my own back on a certain slut who shall remain nameless as well as knickerless:

TIMBO:
I do have a concern that the pay-off, such as it is, involves filming dangerous exotic livestock…

Jane P:
I'd feel I could only ruin it by interfering! But I'm willing to have a try if you'd like...

.

Get a room you two!!

Nigel, that's rather sweet.

Quote: Morrace @ April 24 2009, 9:20 PM BST

Hope you don't mind - just using dialogue from your thread to get my own back on a certain slut who shall remain nameless as well as knickerless:

TIMBO:
I do have a concern that the pay-off, such as it is, involves filming dangerous exotic livestock…

Jane P:
I'd feel I could only ruin it by interfering! But I'm willing to have a try if you'd like...

.

View original

Hey! I only came back to this thread to give Tim the benefit of some more of my useless advice to be met by this!

Back to Tim though - what I was thinking was that this would make a great animated sketch. The sky's the limit then!

Undettered, I had a go at this one today...

I'm not suggesting it's an improvement but I think as it's a big ending the only way to change it would be to build up to it a bit more slowly instead.

(new title) She should have gone to Specsavers

Doorbell rings. An old lady answers to a young man.

Nan: Hello Bert. Come on in and out of those wet clothes… I'll get the Twister…

Tim: It's Tim, Nan. And it's sunny!

Nan: Oops my mistake Tom, have a sit down and a Garibaldi.

Tim: You've still not been to the opticians have you Nan? They're Brillo pads. And look at the state of your kitchen! I'd better clean it for you - hand me a 'biscuit'.

Nan: Never mind all that, I've got a job for you in the garden, Tom.

Tim: Tim.

Nan: Yes, Tom. (leads him outside) A cat's been stuck up my apple tree all day. I've tried tempting him down with some milk but he won't touch it, look.

Tim: Nan that's not milk it's – arghhh!

(We hear scary Lion sound effects and/ or see one land on Tim and bite his head clean off)

Nan: Don't make such a fuss dear – it's only old Ginger from next door. She wouldn't hurt a fly. (To 'cat') Would you pet?. (Strokes him) My, you've grown. Hasn't she grown Tom? Tom?

T'end