British Comedy Guide

Septic Sausage

This is the second draft of the sketch after some good feedback. I have used the CAMERMAN more and tried to give it a better ending. Let me know what you think.

~SEPTIC SAUSAGE~

MR GILES ENTERS THE DOCTORS OFFICE

MR GILES:

Hello Doctor.

DOCTOR:

Hello Mr (LOOKS AT HIS NOTES) Giles. Don't worry about the TV crew. There
just her to film a programme called 'Embarrassing Illnesses'. Now what's the
problem?

MR GILES:

(NERVOUS) Well it's er my penis.

MR GILES SLOWLY UNZIPS HIS FLIES AND PULLS OUT A VERY FLAKY GREEN PENIS.

CAMERAMAN:

(GAGGING) Oh my god. I've seen some freaky shit but that is f**ked up.

MR GILES:

(BRIGHT RED) It's green and sore and I just don't think that is normal.

DOCTOR:

Your right, it looks green and sore and it's not normal. In fact it's very rare. You have got Septic Sausage.

MR GILES:

Septic Sausage!?

DOCTOR:

Yes Septic Sausage.

CAMERAMAN:

Septic Sausage?

DOCTOR:

Yes Septic Sausage.

MR GILES:

Will everyone stop saying "Septic Sausage"!?

CAMERMAN:

Jesus. It stinks too.

MR GILES:

(LOOKING AT CAMERA MAN) Shut up and let the doctor speak. (LOOKING AT DOCTOR) So doctor, how did I catch it.

DOCTOR:

Well according to this book, there are three known ways. First is too much, wild masturbation.

MR GILES:

No! Er definitely not that way. Carry on.

DOCTOR:

Second is S and M. The example given is putting a tight elastic band around the base of the penis and repeatedly hitting the penis with a leather cosh.

MR GILES:

(ANNOYED) No way. This is just stupid. What's the third option?

DOCTOR:

Wild sex…

MR GILES INTERUPTS THE DOCTOR

MR GILES:

(LOOKING AT THE CAMERA) That's the one. Definitely.

DOCTOR:

(FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) …with Badgers.

MR GILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND AND STARTS TO LOOK FLUSTERED

MR GILES:

Forgot about all that. Just tell me how to cure it.

THE CAMERMAN STARTS THROWING UP IN THE SINK.

DOCTOR:

Well according to the same literature, there are two treatment methods. The first way is to remove the penis.

MR GILES:

(SHOUTING) How is that a treatment?

DOCTOR:

Yes, I suppose your right. This is a very old book though. Well the second treatment and undoubtedly the most favourable is a course of antibiotics…

MR GILES INTERUPTS THE DOCTOR AGAIN

MR GILES:

Yes! Yes, give me that.

DOCTOR:

(FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) …through the anus.

MR GILES STANDS UP IN A FIT OF RAGE.

MR GILES:

(SHOUTING) Listen to me doctor. I don't shag badgers, I don't want pills sticking up my arse and I don't want this to be broadcast on national television.

THE SURGERY DOOR OPENS AND STANDING THERE IS A MAN IN A BADGERS COSTUME. THE MAN TAKES OF THE BADGER HEAD AND LOOKS AT MR GILES.

BADGERMAN:

Sorry to interrupt Barry, but since were here can you ask the Doctor what's the best cure for a sore arse?

It's not bad, but I think you could come up with a better punchline, or at least extend the sketch so that it ends properly.

Also, the camera crew seem to disappear halfway through - either give them some greater involvement in the sketch or get rid of them altogether is my advice.

It's good but could could potentially brilliant.

I laughed just at the title. The finishing his sentence parts are really good and I would definitely have it end with the doctor completing a sentence after Mr Giles has interupted him. It's a decent punchline at the end but I feel like shaggy (scooby!!) in that it deserves a better one. Also, when he says about the problem with his penis, you could add an awkward moment with him taking down his trousers? (as it reads as though he has came into the practice with his penis hanging out :D).

Perhaps add a little visual comedy to:

Mr Giles nervously unbuttons his trousers and takes them down.

CAMERAMAN
Wow! when you said green

DOCTOR
Yea get a close up of that.

Or that may just be me adding an unnecessary and confusing joke.

Great sketch for your first attempt.

Nice idea having the Embarrassing Illnesses camera crew there at the diagnosis and quite nicely written, with some good touches; could be a bit sharper though, and as Shaggy says, you need to make a bit more of the camera crew and come up with a better punch.

Thanks for the feedback guys. Ive redone the sketch and tried to include the cameraman more (like suggested) and I have tried to give it a good ending with a twist. Let me know what you think and feel free to edit the sketch and add your own bits as I would like to learn from you guys.

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