This is the second draft of the sketch after some good feedback. I have used the CAMERMAN more and tried to give it a better ending. Let me know what you think.
~SEPTIC SAUSAGE~
MR GILES ENTERS THE DOCTORS OFFICE
MR GILES:
Hello Doctor.
DOCTOR:
Hello Mr (LOOKS AT HIS NOTES) Giles. Don't worry about the TV crew. There
just her to film a programme called 'Embarrassing Illnesses'. Now what's the
problem?
MR GILES:
(NERVOUS) Well it's er my penis.
MR GILES SLOWLY UNZIPS HIS FLIES AND PULLS OUT A VERY FLAKY GREEN PENIS.
CAMERAMAN:
(GAGGING) Oh my god. I've seen some freaky shit but that is f**ked up.
MR GILES:
(BRIGHT RED) It's green and sore and I just don't think that is normal.
DOCTOR:
Your right, it looks green and sore and it's not normal. In fact it's very rare. You have got Septic Sausage.
MR GILES:
Septic Sausage!?
DOCTOR:
Yes Septic Sausage.
CAMERAMAN:
Septic Sausage?
DOCTOR:
Yes Septic Sausage.
MR GILES:
Will everyone stop saying "Septic Sausage"!?
CAMERMAN:
Jesus. It stinks too.
MR GILES:
(LOOKING AT CAMERA MAN) Shut up and let the doctor speak. (LOOKING AT DOCTOR) So doctor, how did I catch it.
DOCTOR:
Well according to this book, there are three known ways. First is too much, wild masturbation.
MR GILES:
No! Er definitely not that way. Carry on.
DOCTOR:
Second is S and M. The example given is putting a tight elastic band around the base of the penis and repeatedly hitting the penis with a leather cosh.
MR GILES:
(ANNOYED) No way. This is just stupid. What's the third option?
DOCTOR:
Wild sex…
MR GILES INTERUPTS THE DOCTOR
MR GILES:
(LOOKING AT THE CAMERA) That's the one. Definitely.
DOCTOR:
(FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) …with Badgers.
MR GILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND AND STARTS TO LOOK FLUSTERED
MR GILES:
Forgot about all that. Just tell me how to cure it.
THE CAMERMAN STARTS THROWING UP IN THE SINK.
DOCTOR:
Well according to the same literature, there are two treatment methods. The first way is to remove the penis.
MR GILES:
(SHOUTING) How is that a treatment?
DOCTOR:
Yes, I suppose your right. This is a very old book though. Well the second treatment and undoubtedly the most favourable is a course of antibiotics…
MR GILES INTERUPTS THE DOCTOR AGAIN
MR GILES:
Yes! Yes, give me that.
DOCTOR:
(FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) …through the anus.
MR GILES STANDS UP IN A FIT OF RAGE.
MR GILES:
(SHOUTING) Listen to me doctor. I don't shag badgers, I don't want pills sticking up my arse and I don't want this to be broadcast on national television.
THE SURGERY DOOR OPENS AND STANDING THERE IS A MAN IN A BADGERS COSTUME. THE MAN TAKES OF THE BADGER HEAD AND LOOKS AT MR GILES.
BADGERMAN:
Sorry to interrupt Barry, but since were here can you ask the Doctor what's the best cure for a sore arse?