Jam jam jam jam

SCENE1

A HAMMER HOUSE OF HORRORS SCREAM QUEEN IS SITTING UP IN BED IN A NEGLIGEE
IT IS NIGHT TIME IN A TRANSYLVANIAN CASTLE
A CAPED VILLAIN SWOOPS IN THROUGH A WINDOW
SCREAM QUEEN SWOONS
VILLAIN LEANS OVER
WE CAN SEE SCREAM QUEEN HAS A SLICE OF TOAST WITH JAM A BLOB HAS FALLEN ON HER NEGLIGEE
THE VILLAIN LICKS IT OFF.
VAN HELSING APPEARS AT THE DOOR WAVING A JAR OF MARMALADE.

VAN HELSING
Back off it's Seville extra bitter marmalade, flee monsterous Jampire!

THE VILLAIN SCREAMS AND FLEES.

SCENE2

A MAN LIES IN A BLOODY MESS IN THE ROAD A WORRIED CROWD OF ONLOOKERS SURROUND HIM
AN AMBULANCE PULLS UP AND 2 PARAMEDICS RUN TO THE MAN
PARA1 KNEELS BY THE MAN STICKS HIS FINGER IN THE MAN'S BLOOD AND TASTES IT.

PARA1
Eurrgh it's blood!

PARA2
Oh no I thought it looked like raspberry, never mind I've got some mixed fruit.

PARA2 POURS 2 JARS OF JAM OVER THE MAN.

ONLOOKER
What the hell kind of ambulance crew are you?

PARA1
Pah those amateur they don't even know about pectin.

PARA2
We're a jambulance!

SCENE3

IT'S THE APPRENTICE BOARD ROOM NICK AND MARGARET SIT EITHER SIDE OF SIR ALAN WHO IS DRESSED AS A WASP.

TEAM IGNITE ARE WEARING DRESSING GOWNS AND ARE SPLATTERED WITH JAM, EMPIRE HAVE A HUGE JAR OF JAM INFRONT OF THEM.

ALAN
You're a bloody disgrace, no don't answer me I'm to angry. I'm Alan bloody high pectin Sugar and I called my company Jamstrad because I love jam! Why would I want to lick it off your bodies. You're not f**king toast!

NICK JUMPS ON THE TABLE AND STARTS GOBBLING THE JAM OUT OF THE POT.

ALAN SWATS HIM WITH A GIANT NEWSPAPER SQUASHING HIM

ALAN
That's Sir Alan's jam.

MARGARET BUZZS ANGRILY AT ALAN.

SCENE4

2 BBC EXECS ARE TALKING TO AN UNSEEN 3RD FIGURE.

EXEC1
Look the jam sketches just aren't funny.

EXEC2
Jam is so last year everyone wants marmite. Can't we use the other part of your identity?

WE SEE THE 3RD PERSON IS A ROBINSON'S GOLLY.

GOLLY
Is it because I is a racist characature? You hypocrites!

Will reply later, but had a scan through this and I like the ending and the shift of perspective it puts on the three opening scenes.

I have no idea how anyone could film this without torpedoing their career!
But it could be fun.

"The best sketch ever written on BSG"
- Paul Weller.

Wow are you Paul Weller Mr Blobster?

Jam-making me laugh Mr Sooty.

No jam puns from me, it's not my tate and lyle. Anyway you've curd it all before.

This is a very well written sketch with some stupidly funny lines. 'I called my company Jamstrad because I love jam!'

Jammy to get so many positive responses. You should preserve them all.

I liked the nice spread as well.

I was gonna do the 'jammy' one, but I bottled it. I thought it might jar.

It was an open door. Or was it a jar?

Thanks I Tiptree my hat to you all.

Had Tiptree jam sandwiches for lunch yesterday. Not a joke, just coincidental timing.

Not practical to make, but really enjoyed what you did here. Rose above just squeezing in puns.

As Bob Marley may have said to this sketch:

We're jammin' -
To think that jammin' was a thing of the past;
We're jammin',
And I hope this (no artificial preservative) jam is gonna last.

You know thinking on this with a little simplification it could be done.
You know Sugar just clips him with the newspaper that sorta thing.

I really really like this sooty. You should have warning though : this jam may contain nuts.

Seriously though, you are absolutely nuts. I love the random scene switches.

I actually think this would make a really good advert. For gollywogs

Love the feedback, I was experimenting abit with a sketch that doesn't explain it's self till the final line.