Changing the Met – The Boris Way!

Changing the Met – The Boris Way!

Boris Johnson is hard at work in his office. Sir Paul Stephenson walks in.

Boris: Morning Sir Paul, troubling times at Scotland Yard what?

Paul: It's certainly a tough time for us all in the police force Mr Mayor.

Boris: Tough? That's right. You lot are simply too tough. You're like a bunch of Nazi Stormtroopers raiding a Girl Guide camp.

Paul: I'd be delighted to hear any suggestions Boris.

Boris: Oh course you would! Helmets! Far too menacing. I propose we swap them for these.

Boris puts on a pair of Reindeer Antlers made of foam.

BorIs: What do you think?

Paul: Well?

Boris: I know what you're thinking. It's not Christmas. But I thought, let's get the bloody use out of them, what?

Paul: Helmets protect our officers. How will these help?

Boris: They'll inject a bit of humour into a very tense situation. Chill the hippies out man!

Paul: I'm not sure.

Boris: And this! Replace your baton's with.....

Boris pulls out a feather duster.

Boris: Tickling sticks!

Paul: F**king Hell!!!

Boris: What? They're good enough for Ken Dodd?

Paul: He's not a policeman though. He's a tax evading comic!

Boris: Yeap, a true Tory! Makes you proud to be British.

Sir Paul rises to leave.

Paul: I'm going back to policing London Boris. You better get back to being a f**king toff nutcase.

Sir Paul leaves.

Boris: Wait Commissioner! How about swapping police dogs for hamsters?

Ends

I like it bigfella, but I don't think the ending is as strong as the middle. Need to end on a better punchline.

I like it but, I felt it needed a twist at the end. Maybe something like:

Boris: Wait Commissioner, I have one more idea. So there's no more problems with batons we will subdue demonstrators with electric shocks.

Paul: That's more like it.

Boris proffers his hand.

Paul: Tazers?

Sir Paul shakes Boris by the hand - and writhes in agony.

Boris: Not exactly.

hahaha. I like that ending Tim.

Thanks for the comments guys.

Yeap it needs that twist and I do like your ending Timbo!

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Very good idea, Bigfella but I agree with Graig H and Timbo. I've taken the liberty of getting in a bit of practice!
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INT. OFFICE. DAY.

BORIS JOHNSON IS TALKING WITH MET POLICE CHIEF SIR PAUL STEPHENSON.

BORIS: Yes, but your police are too aggressive - like a bunch of Nazi Stormtroopers raiding a Hospice!

SIR PAUL: (SARCASTICALLY) Do you have an alternative, Boris?

BORIS: (SMILES) I thought you'd say that.

BORIS PUTS ON A PAIR OF FOAM REINDEER ANTLERS

BORIS: What do you think?

SIR PAUL: It's an improvement on your wig.

BORIS: (IGNORING REMARK) It replaces the riot helmet, Paul.

BORIS REMOVES ANTLERS; HANDS THEM TO SIR PAUL.

SIR PAUL: Helmets protect our officers. (EXAMINING ANTLERS) How will these help?

BORIS: They'll inject a bit of humour into a very tense situation.

SIR PAUL: I'm not sure.

BORIS: And this! Replace batons with.....

BORIS PULLS OUT A FEATHER DUSTER.

BORIS: Tickling sticks!

SIR PAUL: (LOUDLY) F**king nine-nine-f**king-nine!

BORIS: They're good enough for Ken Dodd.

SIR PAUL: He's not a policeman though!

BORIS: Well spotted. I can see why you're Metropolitan Police Commissioner.

SIR PAUL FROWNS AT BORIS AND RISES TO LEAVE.

BORIS: I'll take that as a 'no' then.

SIR PAUL: Take it as a, 'Don't be so stupid, you toffee-nosed prick.'

BORIS: (TAKEN ABACK) I was only trying to help ....

SIR PAUL WALKS TOWARDS DOOR.

BORIS: Oh – just one more thing ....

SIR PAUL STOPS AND TURNS TOWARD BORIS.

SIR PAUL: Yes?

BORIS: Nothing. I've always wanted to do that - I'm a big Columbo fan.

________________________________________________________________________________

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That is classic ending!!!!

Good stuff Morrace

HOWLING at Morraces ending here....top quality.

Morrace - are you hinting at job as editor in the joint sketch?