Tell me what you think

Hello peeps, just finished this scene and need some advice. Bit of background for you, the boys are desperate for money and have no time to find it. They can't borrow it and have no jobs or time to get new one's.

EXT. THE PARK – DAYTIME

The park is very busy. The sun is shining brightly but there is a cold wind. Jonas and Adolf are walking through the park. Jonas is kicking an empty bottle along the floor.

ADOLF
What the f**k are we gonna do? We have no options.

JONAS
Let's just tell her the truth

ADOLF
No we can't do that, we can't keep letting her down, Lauren is always bailing us out of trouble and

JONAS
(interrupting)
Wait, I got it….

Jonas points to a homeless man asleep on the floor by a bench.

ADOLF
Yeah it's a homeless man.

JONAS
(excitedly)
Yeah

ADOLF
A homeless man who's asleep.

JONAS
(excitedly)
Yeah

ADOLF
Right your gonna have to explain this one
JONAS
Do you ever think outside the box? Look what's in front of him.

Adolf POV sees a hat filled with money.

ADOLF
Your not seriously suggesting that we steal off the homeless to stop ourselves becoming homeless, isn't that ironing?

JONAS
Don't you mean irony?

ADOLF
Yeah that's what I said

JONAS
No you said ironing, why would stealing from the tramps be ironing?

ADOLF
You know what I meant and anyway we can't steal of the homeless no matter how desperate we are.

JONAS
Oh for God sake will you just come on? Why do I have to talk you into everything? The very idea of robbing a tramp should jump at you and you should be excited but instead your acting like I asked you to do the washing up. His probably got a big house on the river this is how people make there money now.

Jonas walks towards the tramp. Adolf stands still.

ADOLF
Jonas!!

Jonas reaches the tramp. Adolf comes chasing after him.

ADOLF
Jonas, we can't do this.

JONAS
Look there's got to be about fifteen quid in there; we take a percentage and move on to the next tramp.

ADOLF
Do you have to call them tramps?

JONAS
Ok then the home challenged, but it's a good idea.

Jonas takes a step forward slowly. He then bends down and reaches into the hat. He takes out a handful of change. Jonas turns and shakes his hands up and down excitedly.

JONAS
(Whispers)
See I told you, easy stuff.

A dog jumps out from behind the homeless man. Jonas and Adolf both jump. The homeless man wakes up. He looks at his hat and sees money is missing.

HOMELESS MAN
(Scottish accent)
You f**king cheeky bastards

The homeless man pulls out a big rubber dildo. He starts to get up.

HOMELESS MAN (CONT)
I f**king kill ya

The homeless man swings the dildo. Jonas and Adolf run. After twenty seconds of chase the homeless man stops. Jonas looks behind and sees the man has stopped. Jonas and Adolf both stop. They are out of breath.

JONAS
That was a dildo (long pause) wicked!

I liked the idea of a tramp with a dildo but not too keen on the rest. I find it hard to look at sitcom scenes in isolation, but if this is for TV there is a lot of dialogue that seems to be telling us what we can already see, or explaining what is happening. The ironing/irony thing is pretty weak and unconvincing to spend a few lines of dialogue on (unless it relates to something that has happened earlier).

I'd suggest trimming it and working out what you actually need from the scene.

Darren have a read through and put a tick at the points you would actually laugh out loud at. You I mean - not what you think the audience might or should laught at. Then edit down if there aren't enough or punch it up.

Hi Darren,

Can't help but feel slightly offended that the tramp had a Scottish accent . Although it's probably because I'm a tramp and I'm using my hat money for this internet cafe.

To the script:

As far as the scene goes I have to agree with Marc, in that there were little laugh out loud moments for me. The characterisation was good and the scene idea is great. I would think about changing the irony/ironign gag too, you can definitely come up with something better!
______

JONAS
Oh for God sake will you just come on? Why do I have to talk you into everything? The very idea of robbing a tramp should jump at you and you should be excited but instead your acting like I asked you to do the washing up. His probably got a big house on the river this is how people make there money now.

I liked that part. Change His probably to He's probably.

Thanks for sharing,
Craig

Fair comments so far – but a tramp with a dildo!
Can you make the tramp chase them further – milk that part a bit more and see what happens?