Two cardinals are having a clandestine meeting.
Cardinal 1 : We're settled then? He has to go?
Cardinal 2: Yes. That business with Africa and condoms showed how out of touch he is.
Cardinal 1: How will it be done?
Cardinal 2: An upside down crucifixion is the traditional method of course.
Cardinal 1: I think some a little less obvious.
Cardinal 2: Make him watch Angels and Demons, he'll have a bloody heart attack!
Cardinal 1: No, I think poison in the wine at his private morning mass.
Cardinal 2: Excellent.
Cardinal 1: Which brings us to the question of a successor.
Cardinal 2: The church always gets these appointments wrong.
Cardinal 1: Then conclave needs to be pointed in the right direction.
Cardinal 2: His Holiness was always smeared by his Hitler youth past. The new Pope must be a man with no skeletons in the cupboard, no involvement in mass slaughter of innocents under the cover of war.
Cardinal 1: Agreed. He must be a man of principle and substance. No spin or sound bites.
Cardinal 2: We mustn't get this wrong with a hasty choice. However, one name leaps to mind, my friend.
Cardinal 1: (Humbly) Oh....I couldn't really put myself forward.
Cardinal 2: You?.....No. I was thinking of Tony Blair.