And secondly from Team Renaissance
Written by: Chris Forshaw, Jane P, Tom G, Fred Sunshine, Craig Hosie, RobO and BigFella
INT. HALL - DAY
(There are 2 men and a woman (Alex) sat round in a circle.)
LEADER: (stands)
Welcome to the Compulsive Jokers support group, I wanted to be in Alcoholics Anonymous but found I didn't have the bottle. Shit, sorry.
A FOURTH MAN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND WALKS IN. HE HAS A HUGE WART ON HIS NOSE, LARGE THICK GLASSES, LONG GREASY HAIR, HE IS WEARING A T-SHIRT WITH THE MESSAGE "THE END IS NIGH" AND WALKS LIKE HE HAS A POLE UP HIS ARSE.
NEIL:
Is this the support group?
LEADER:
Yes it is. Sit down.
AS NEIL SITS A FARTING NOISE IS HEARD. HE SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY AND TURNS RED.
LEADER:
Don't be nervous, we're all friends and we're here to help. Why don't you go first?
NEIL REACHES UNDER HIS REAR AND PULLS OUT A WHOPPEE CUSHION. ALEX LETS OUT A SNIGGER.
LEADER:
So, we have a practical joker with us today. Sorry sir, do go on.
ALEX (LOOKS DOWN, ASHAMED)
Sorry.
NEIL: OK... (nervous)
I'm Neil, and I was raped by my uncle as a small boy.
A HEAVY SILENCE FILLS THE ROOM
LEADER:
Umm..Neil this is Compulsive Jokers in this room. As there was no punchline to that statement, I think you need to be next door with Peter Kay.
NEIL:
Oh thank God for that you all look like a bunch of f**king freaks!
(LEAVES)
THEY ALL PICK UP HANDBAGS AND IN SHOOTING STARS FASHION
EVERYONE SAYS "OOOOH!"
LEADER:
That's the problem I suppose. Compulsive Joking Disorder is not taken seriously. It starts off innocently enough, a bit of sarcasm here, a bit of innuendo there and the next thing you know you're into full-blown satire or reciting sketch show catchphrases. Anyway! (TURNS TO ALEX) Would you like to begin?
ALEX:
I'm Alex and I'm a joke addict.
LEADER/ DAVE:
Welcome Alex
ALEX:
It started one day when I was taking my dog for an operation on his nose and I spotted a chicken crossing the road.
LEADER:
How has this affected your life ?
ALEX:
I've never held down a job. I got sacked from the crematorium. I used to play inappropriate music. Ashes to Ashes, Disco Inferno, Firestarter - that sort of thing.
LEADER:
Well admitting to your problem is the first stage. Sir,you next?
DAVE:
I'm Dave and I live my life like a comedy show. If someone leaves a flap open on a bar, I have to fall through it. If I see a German I shout "Don't mention the war!" at them. The final straw was when I killed my daughter's parrot the day after she got it.
LEADER:? I Don't believe it!
DAVE:
(Tearful) It's true, although it might have been resting.
LEADER:
It's OK Dave, we're here to listen. You're making real progress.
DAVE:
(Andy from little Britain voice) Yeah I know.
LEADER:
Did anyone else want to say anything
THERE IS A KNOCK KNOCK SOUND AT THE DOOR
EVERYONE:
Who's there ?
NEIL:
Neil
EVERYONE:
Neil who?
LEADER:
Neil-y time for us to finish. I think that's it for today. I don't know about anyone else but I really feel like a pint of beer.
ALEX:
You don't look like one.. Sorry, sorry. Force of habit. Like a Jedi nun – Shit, sorry!
DAVE:
Let's get to the bar before the AA meeting finishes.
ALEX: Two men walk into a bar...
LEADER:
Don't undo your good work
A man who is clearly drunk stands in the doorway, holding a bottle wrapped in brown paper - the group now see it's not Neil.
DOORWAYMAN:
Well, hello there, sailors!
ALEX:
(whispers) I think he's drunk
LEADER:
Yes, I think you're looking for next door, mate
DOORWAYMAN:
No, no, I'm looking for my chicken
The group exchange awkward glances
LEADER:
Well, what does it look like?
DOORWAYMAN:
It's a chicken? You see, I wasn't actually in here to begin with. You see, she crossed the road.
The group exchange awkward glances again.
DOORWAYMAN:
Would you like me to tell you....how she crossed the road?
The group are looking even twitchier now,
ALEX:
To get to...
LEADER:
NO ALEX!!!!
DAVE:
Because it was......
LEADER:
DAVE!!!!
Doorwayman catches glimpse of the sign on the door.
DOORWAYMAN:
I mean, I say it was a chicken, but she was black, white and red all over, what else could it have been?
THE END
So many we did!