And so it came to pass that two BSG teams did go head to head at Easter Time and all around rejoiced (or took no notice). The battle commenced and 'Empire Ignite' versus 'Team Renaissance' began with a war of words.
The judges are no doubt agonising over their decisions as we speak. Whose dreams will they shatter and who will they declare victorious? (Where's Dermot O'Leary when you need someone to build up the tension properly?)
In the meantime, please enjoy the following two sketches which were supposed to be totally different but have somehow ended up with a similar premise and almost identical lines in places! What the heck happened people? Is there some kind of BSG evolutionary force in effect? I suspect if more writers had been involved they'd have been exactly the same by the end. Bizarre.
In order of completion here is Team Ignite's offering:
Written by: Sooty J, Ben, Timbo, Darren Pomroy, Ponderer, Roscoff and Dan Sweryt
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THE CURSE OF COMEDY
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(Voice over (V/O) to be done in style of Alan Whicker)
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE. MORNING
COLIN COMES OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. HE TAKES A GROUCHO MARX GLASSES AND MOUSTACHE SET OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STICKS IT ON. HE STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE AND WALKS OUT OF THE HOUSE DOING A JOHN CLEESE 'FUNNY' WALK.
V/O:
This is Colin. He used to run a successful hotel business in Devon. But no more.
COLIN APPROACHES A RED AUSTIN 1100 ESTATE ON HIS DRIVE WAY. HE WALKS OUT OF SHOT AND RETURNS WITH A LARGE BRANCH AND STARTS BEATING IT.
V/O:
That's because for the last few years, Colin has been suffering from a rare, incurable disease. British Comedy Syndrome.
CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
COLIN SITS OPPOSITE AN UNSEEN INTERVIEWER, JANE.
JANE:
When did you first notice that something was wrong?
COLIN:
It was Kevin really. The pet store owner. He called the police after I killed the first two.
JANE:
The first two?
COLIN:
Parrots. The doc thought it was just the Norwegian Blues.
BEHIND COLIN IS A BLUE PARROT HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM ITS PERCH.
COLIN:
But it turned out to be more serious.
CUT TO: INT. ELECTRICAL STORE
COLIN IS STOOD BY THE COUNTER OPPOSITE AN ASSISTANT.
V/O:
The syndrome affects Colin's ability to interact with society.
COLIN:
(SCREAMING AT ASSISTANT) Four candles!
ASSISTANT:
I'm sorry we don't sell handles for forks. Or candles.
COLIN:
Any 'ooks?
ASSISTANT SIGHS
COLIN:
(POINTS, FUTILE) Want that one…
CUT TO: EXT. PARK.
V/O:
Colin's inability to recognise and abide by social norms has brought him into frequent trouble with the authorities.
COLIN RUNS INTO VIEW, THE FILM HAS BEEN SPEEDED UP; HE IS BEING PURSUED BY AN ANGRY WOMAN IN A BIKINI, A NURSE, A WHITE-COATED DOCTOR, A TRUNCHEON-WAVING POLICEWOMAN, A SEXY FEMALE BARRISTER AND A HIGH COURT JUDGE. YAKETY SAX PLAYS
CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION
COLIN IS STANDING AT THE RECEPTION DESK, WHILE A MALE RECEPTIONIST TAKES HIS PARTICULARS. A PATIENT IN A DRESSING GOWN IS WALKING SLOWLY PAST ACCOMPANIED BY A BEEFY MALE NURSE. A SECOND PATIENT IS STANDING BY THE DESK LOOKING AWAY.
A FEMALE NURSE LIFTS THE RECEPTION DESK OPENING. THE SECOND PATIENT LEANS BACK AND FALLS THROUGH THE GAP.
V/O:
Today, Colin has been ordered by the court to book into a facility that specialises in treating this rare condition.
RECEPTIONIST:
Name?
PATIENT:
I'm the only gay in this vi—mmmmgh!
THE NURSE CLAMPS HIS HAND OVER THE PATIENT'S MOUTH, AND HE AND ANOTHER NURSE DRAG THE PATIENT AWAY.
CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE IN THE FACILITY.
JANE IS INTERVIEWING THE DOCTOR.
DOCTOR:
Colin has a particularly virulent strain of BCS. It crosses several comedy genres and most TV stations. Thankfully, we've just caught it before he enters the final, most serious stage – Channel Four.
JANE:
So what sort of treatment can people like Colin expect?
DOCTOR:
We used to give anti-catch-phrase suppositories. Until we discovered they don't like it up 'em.
TWO NURSES SUDDENLY JUMP ON THE DOCTOR WITH A BIG NET AND WRESTLE HIM AWAY.
NURSE:
Come on Bob, back to your room.
DOCTOR:
And it's goodnight from him…
DOCTOR IS LED OUT
CUT TO: TREATMENT ROOM.
COLIN IS IN A STRAIGHTJACKET WATCHING A TELEVISION, FROM WHICH A HUMOURLESS EPISODE OF 'TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS' PLAYS. HE IS DROOLING AND STARING INTO THE DISTANCE.
JANE (TO CAMERA):
This is the best hope of treatment for people like Colin. A tragic end awaits. But in truth... Am I bovvered???
PANIC SPREADS ACROSS JANE'S FACE. SHE GETS UP AND STARTS TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT, AS THE NURSES APPEAR WITH THE NET.
THE END
to see botb sketches completed. I have yet to view ours.
