Virgin poster-nervous a hell *gulps* A bit of a stream of thought written while boooored at work this afternoon.
THE PRESIDENT'S NEW CAKE
A TELEVISION STUDIO. OBAMA AND BROWN ARE STANDING IN A KITCHEN AREA WEARING US AND UK FLAG APRONS. ON THE COUNTER IN FRONT OF THEM IS A LARGE SPONGE CAKE. THE STUDIO AUDIENCE CONSISTS OF OTHER WORLD LEADERS.
OBAMA
I want you to think of the global economy as this cake.
BROWN
It's a big cake, Ba.
OBAMA
Yes, Gordon. It is a big cake. Or should I say, it was?
ENTER, AMID BOOS AND HISSES FROM THE AUDIENCE AND APOCOLYPTIC MUSIC, FIVE FAT CATS IN BUSINESS SUITS WHO DEVOUR THE CAKE GREEDILY.
AUDIENCE MEMBER STANDS UP.
SARKOZY
Somebody should stop them.
OBAMA LOOKS AT BROWN. BROWN LOOKS UP THEN DOWN THEN AT HIS SHOES. THE FAT CATS LEAVE THE TABLE BARE. EXIT PAST BROWN. BROWN SHOUTS FEEBLY AFTER THEM SHAKING A LIMP FIST.
BROWN
Yeah. You better had leave or I'll…you wee rascals you. Those boys, eh?
SARKOZY
I cannot believe you let them eat it. There is no cake for us now,
A MURMUR BUILDS IN THE AUDIENCE. OBAMA RAISES HIS HANDS.
OBAMA
Don't worry my friends, I have a plan. We can rebuild the cake. Gordon.
BROWN REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND BRINGS OUT A LARGE MIXING BOWL,
AUDIENCE OOHS.
THEN A CARRIER BAG WITH LUXURY BUDGET $1 TRILLION WRITTEN ON THE SIDE.
AUDIENCE AAHS.
OBAMA TIPS THE BAG OUT ONTO THE COUNTER. NOTHING COMES OUT. OBAMA CAREFULLY PICKS NOTHING UP AND PLACES IT IN THE BOWL. BROWN SNIFFS THE BOWL.
OBAMA
Good huh?
MERKEL
But there's nothing in…
MERKEL IS MUFFLED BY CLINTON.
EVERYONE ELSE IN THE AUDIENCE TAKES A DEEP SNIFF AND MMMMM'S IN APPROVAL.
BROWN
Is there anything else we need to add, Ba'?
OBAMA
Not one red cent, Gordon. In fact…
OBAMA TIPS UP THE BOWL AND SCOOPS SOME OF THE "MIXTURE" OUT OF THE BOWL AND THROWS IT NONCHALANTLY OVER HIS SHOULDER. THE FAT CATS COME IN FROM BACK STAGE AND LAP AT THE NON-EXISTANT PILE.
OBAMA
We can take as much as we like out of the bowl, and the cake will still be just as good as it ever was.
BROWN
(wide-eyed and adoring)
Really? Wow.
OBAMA
Pretty neat, huh.
OBAMA POURS THE MIXTURE INTO A LARGE CAKE TIN AND POPS IT INTO THE MICROWAVE BEHIND. HE SHUTS THE DOOR AND IT BEGINS TO HUM.
BROWN
How long will it take, Ba'.
GORDON DROOLS.
I can't wait.
OBAMA
Generally a cake this size would take 2 to 3 hours to bake. But taking into account global warming, and the amount of CO2 produced getting us all here to the studio, it should be ready about…TING…now.
OBAMA REMOVES THE EMPTY CAKE TIN FROM THE OVEN, PLACES IT CAREFULLY ON THE TABLE AND STANDS BACK TO ADMIRE HIS CREATION.
AS ONE, THE AUDIENCE GIVES HIM AND THE CAKE A STANDING OVATION.
MERKEL BURSTS FREE FROM THE CROWD. SHE STANDS BETWEEN THE AUDIENCE AND THE COUNTER. THE AUDIENCE CONTINUES TO APPLAUD. SOME WEEP FOR JOY.
MERKEL
What is wrong with you all? There is nothing there.
SHE WAKES HER HAND IN THE SPACE WHERE THE CAKE SHOULD BE.
MERKEL
We cannot make something out of nothing. There is nothing there.
OBAMA NODS AT GORDON. BROWN TAKES A LARGE KNIFE. HE CUTS A SLICE OUT OF THE CAKE. HE PUTS IT ON A PLATE.
MEANWHILE, OBAMA WALKS TO THE FRONT OF THE COUNTER. HE PICKS UP THE PLATE AND PUTS A HAND ON MERKEL'S SHOULDER . THE AUDIENCE IS STILL.
MERKEL
There's nothing there.
OBAMA
Angela….Angel…Ange.
MERKEL LOOKS UP AT HIM, TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE. OBAMA BREAKS OFF A PIECE OF CAKE AND PLACES IT ON MERKELS TONGUE. MERKEL FAINTS IN ECSTACY. THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD. GORDON HOLDS THE CAKE ALOFT.
THE FAT CATS ARE RUBBING THEMSELVES UP HIS LEGS AND PURRING. GORDON BREAKS THEM OFF A PIECE AND THROWS IT DOWN.
OBAMA
Behold, there is still as much cake as there ever was. We will never be hungry again.
CREDITS ROLL
DISCLAIMER: Governments follow this recipe at their own risk. The makers of this programme admit no responsibility for any hunger in the present or the future caused by making this cake. No cakes were baked in the making of this programme.
