POPE BENNY IS SITTING ON THE STAGE WITH CARDINAL SIN (A WOMAN)
CARDINAL
Pope I know the Catholic church is trying to keep up with times but this is no way to choose the next Archbishop of Westminster.
POPE
Oh shut up Cardinal Sin you are so boring and I think you're a woman.
CARDINAL
Why do you think that?
POPE
Because I don't fancy you. Now I declare Pope Idol 2009 open bring on the first contestant!
SINEAD O'CONNOR WALKS ON.
SINEAD
This is the face of evil. Free condoms and lesbianism for all!
TEARS UP A PHOTO OF THE POPE
POPE
Oh I don't like her at all. Mother Theresa really has let herself go.
CARDINAL
Well bishop Andrew Richardson was going to audition.
POPE
The one who hates the Jews? But has the most enchanting smile...
CARDINAL
Pope Benny! He dropped out.
POPE
But why?
CARDINAL
A religious fanatic, with a posh voice who hates minorities? He's joined the conservative party.
GARETH GATES WANDERS ON.
GARETH
Sorry is this pop idol? I think I wandered into the wrong studio. That's a lovely dress the red matches your fiery eyes.
POPE JUMPS UP.
POPE
You didn't wander into the wrong studio! That's our archbishop of Westminster!
CARDINAL
Makes sense, Simon Cowell's heading up the Spanish Inquisition